Divorce has been a fairly emotional process for most people I’ve that have experienced it. It certainly was for me. And from what I’ve seen, whatever your circumstances, when going through a divorce your attitude, patience, and commitment to the process- through the entire process- are 99 percent of how well you will come out on the other side.

I married my first wife when I was 21 years old. When we divorced, I was 25 and my kids were 1 and 3 years old.

If you are getting divorced right now, you may be feeling uncertain about many things, or you may even be uncertain about what you’re uncertain about. And you very likely may not want to be getting divorced at all. If so, this piece is primarily written for you. However, you may be one of those lucky people currently dancing a jig in eager anticipation for the day when all legal ties to your spouse are finally dissolved. Either way, I’ve learned a few things from my bitter and complicated experiences that may help you. You may find my words harsh or encouraging, but no matter which, there are some things you can keep in mind that offer poise and a better quality of life as you go through a divorce, especially if there are kids involved.

 

The Commitment to Divorce:

 

Committing to the divorce means committing, or deciding to doing the things that get you divorced. It means getting a lawyer. It means choosing a move out date if you’re not already separated. It means having the talks with your kids, and deciding to stop worrying about what your friends and family will think. It means splitting up the assets. And it especially means you start planning the rest of your life, right now.

 

Whether you and your spouse both agree that splitting up is for the best, whether one of you wants it and the other doesn’t; whether you’ve tried working things out in counseling or not, and whether or not you think your differences are irreconcilable, you have to discern if your marriage is really ending, and if it is, you have to commit to the divorce.

 

Don’t be in denial of your failed marriage even if it’s for the right reasons. In my case, I still loved my spouse, the thought of my children being raised by a broken family was tearing me apart, and I feared that God and my congregation would judge me and look down upon me for being divorced. And I had to get over it. A marriage will not work the way it’s supposed to unless both parties are committed to the relationship. And likewise, your divorce will hurt everyone more, if you do not commit to the divorce. Your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your co-workers, and even the cashier at the grocery store, will all have a less happy day, whenever they see you struggling. Both you and they can either muddle through this whole thing in agony, or you can be an example of dignity, strength, and self worth to those around you.

 

Patience with the Divorce Process:

 

If any matter of your divorce is not mutually agreed upon by both parties, your process may very well take much longer than you want it to. The best rule of thumb is, “hurry up and wait.” Be ready for this to take a while. Hurt feelings take a while to get over anyway, so when you’re coupling these feelings along with a prolonged and costly legal process, it just makes sense that you should take a very zen approach to the whole thing. On top of that, it’s very possible you’re not seeing your kids right now, or at least not as much as you want or are used to. You must accept that this going to take awhile and will have unpleasant moments, days and even weeks, or months. Tell yourself constantly that you will one day wake up and it will all be over and in the past.

 

To understand how important patience is in the process of divorce you need to know the following: Any legal process is fairly slow moving, and divorce is no exception, however the State you live in is a huge factor in how long it will actually take. If you and your spouse can easily agree on who gets what and how much, then it’s a fairly smooth process, legally speaking, no matter where you are; but there are still places like Virginia that require those wanting a divorce to be legally separated (living separately) for one year before they will grant a divorce. Many states require that both parties attend mediations or counseling before granting a divorce. These processes take time. And if there are disputes as to who should get the kids, the house, the car, etcetera, and/or how much alimony and or child support should be paid, the process can get dramatically extended with more mediations and custody evaluations. In some states a custody evaluation is free and takes one hour, and in others they costs thousands of dollars and take one to two years.

Really ugly divorces that involve allegations of abuse, and injunctions, or protective orders, often end up having third party evaluations ordered by the court, including psychological evaluations and Child Protective Service investigations, that also extend the time, and usually the cost, of getting divorced. Often attorneys for the children are appointed by the court in these circumstances (known as Guardian ad Litem’s or GAL’s), which, depending on who you get, can either make the process go faster or slower as well.

Let it be known that it is the author’s opinion that a slower process is better than a faster one in contested divorces in which children are involved, because such matters, if they have to be decided by a court, should be decided with as much deliberation, information and care as possible. When done more slowly, these decisions are often harder to reverse. The antithesis, however, is that some states make custody determinations much too quickly, and they are usually the same states which will change custody afterward, without blinking an eye. The children end up moving from one house to the other. Obviously this is not in the children’s best interest.

I tell you all this to get to some very basic and important advice. You must learn now, if you haven’t already, to stay calm in all situations. Whether you are frustrated with your spouse, with the legal process, the GAL, the judge, your lawyer, or anyone else, anytime you lose your temper, you will be screwing yourself... no lube. I'm being very blunt on this, and it is warranted. It never helps. It always makes matters worse. Always maintain your composure. Never lose your cool. Find other ways to vent. It doesn’t matter how, as long as no one is hurt, no one sees you angry, and no property is damaged.

 

 

The Attitude for Divorce:

 

The best attitude to have while going through a divorce is to be happy. It sounds simplistic and perhaps unrealistic, but what other attitude should one have in any situation? What other goal in life, what other purpose for yourself, should you have, ever? If during the process of your divorce, it seems to feel like your life is falling apart, and maybe it is, that’s fine, but don’t lose yourself in it. What good are you doing yourself or anyone else, when you sit in a dark room and feel sorry for yourself? My personal experience was to first, plead with my ex-wife, begging with her not to let it be over, to not give up on our marriage. This was just a waste of time and emotion. It caused me to unnecessarily put off the business of moving on with my life, and it caused me to not even think about sticking up for myself through the divorce, and I ended up with the short end of the stick when it came to time with my kids and money. I became useless at my job, un-enjoyable to be around to my friends, and was inconsolable. I was not able to enjoy anything. I couldn’t stand to be alone, and my friends and family couldn’t stand to be around me because I had become a whining, pathetic excuse for person, unable to cope with life. Then one day I had an epiphany. I realized that I knew all along that my marriage sucked and all of a sudden I couldn’t wait for the divorce to be finalized.

Life was better after I decided my marriage was really over, but I still allowed myself to wallow in self pity. I had had my fill of crying in my dark, lonely cave for a few months, and I decided to start going out again. After I paid my child support, I could do what I wanted with my money, and I chose to go to bars, specifically a karaoke bar that had $5 all you can drink beer from 8 to 9. Chug-a-lug. It was very sad and pathetic, but it was a start. I was a borderline alcoholic, with low self esteem, who liked to dump on strange women about my ex, but I was interacting with people, albeit in the worst possible way, and I actually began to laugh, smile and make friends again.

If you are anything remotely similar to what I was during my divorce, just stop. Commit to the divorce. Commit to starting your life over. You will never be happy again, if you let every person you meet know how wronged you were by your spouse or ex-spouse. You need to constantly remind yourself that you are entering a new phase of your life. If you’ll just realize that you are now unshackled from, and no longer responsible to the one to whom you once were, and that you are now free to pursue more fulfilling relationships than you’ve ever had before, you might just find yourself being excited by what the new day will bring. You must get to this conclusion no matter what it takes. Get counseling if you have to. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help when you need it. If you have kids you should eat them. Just kidding. If you have kids you are not the best parent you can be unless you have a life of your own and can demonstrate how a real man or real woman deals with life, both the bad parts and the good.

 

Try this exercise and see if it doesn’t, for just one moment make you feel a little better: Consider the fact that your marriage not working out means that you entered into it without knowing as much about what you wanted, or needed, from a relationship, and from your life, than you thought you did. Then, make a list, mental or written, of the real life you would like to have using the hindsight that you’ve acquired from your recently failed relationship. Remember that you are now wiser than you were before, and you have more real experience to draw upon in determining what kind of person you want to be, what you want to do, and what you would like your future relationships to be like. Do you want more money, more travel, less travel, more or less sex, a new job, an apartment instead of a house, or vice versa? Is this the time to take up that hobby? You’re going to have complete control over your free time in the foreseeable future. Think about it what you want that you haven’t allowed yourself to pursue because of your prior commitments. Even if this doesn’t make you feel better, you need to realize that this is the only real thing you have to do now. It’s either that or just feel sorry for yourself until you wind up back in another, not surprisingly similar relationship to the one that is ending now. Who wants to do that?

To successfully get through a divorce you will have to commit to the divorce process. You will have to be patient with the divorce process. You will have adopt an attitude that says I’ve put my big girl panties on, quit crying, and I’m going to start living my new life immediately. You should start daydreaming about how magical your life can be again, plan a new, better future, and then let those dreams dominate your thinking from here on out. Get in shape, go back to school, date other people, change jobs, skydive, or do whatever it is that isn’t feeling sorry for yourself. You will feel better. You will look better to the court, and your kids. You will experience better relationships with everyone, including your ex. And most importantly you will be happy.

I speak from experience. I hope this helps.