Commitment Phobia - when he won't get married

There are lots of possible reasons why your boyfriend or girlfriend won't take the final step and get married. Your partner's reasons may be minor, and he/she may just need a nudge. But for others, the reasons are non-negotiable, and if you try to push them towards marriage, you'll end up making it worse - even losing them. So it's important to tread carefully!

Let's take the minor obstacles first.

The easiest one to deal with is a fear of rejection. Are you in an "I will if you will" situation? Maybe he wants marriage but he's getting mixed messages from you. Men have egos - declaring himself means risking rejection and making a fool of himself if you turn him down. So he won't say anything until he's absolutely sure you're committed. You might think "but he should know how I feel" - but men aren't that subtle! Or perhaps you're similarly anxious about his intentions. Think about this, and make sure you are letting your partner know how important marriage is to you.

When you talk about marriage, make it clear that HE's the one that is important, not marriage for its own sake. For instance, I remember saying I wanted a wedding ceremony so I could show off to the world what a wonderful man I had found.

Another reason could be that he just doesn't see the point of marriage. What do you know about his parents' marriage? Was it troubled? Did they divorce? If that's the case, he realises that getting married doesn't guarantee anything, so he may not see the point in changing the nature of your relationship ("if it ain't broke, don't fix it"). He may fear that if you get married, it will turn out like his parents'. You need to give him reasons for feeling it's worthwhile anyway - so you need to work out what your reasons are, and how to express them.

Third reason - he's afraid of settling down. Marriage spells responsibilities, kids, a boring job, the end of fun. It's up to you to convince him that's not true. I travelled all over the world with my husband - being married didn't stop us having adventures. Of course, if you're ready for a white picket fence and he's not, then you have a problem which is bigger than whether or not you get hitched.

Final reason - he's just not that into you. He may not be 100% convinced you're the love of his life - but if he thinks you're hot and/or you're doing a great job of looking after him, what incentive does he have to move on? Try to push this kind of guy into marriage and you're likely to push him out of your life - but on the other hand, perhaps it's better to find out now than waste any more years of your life on him?

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All text copyright Marisa Wright. All photos courtesy of photographers below