Communication is vital in this world we live in.  Yet so many of us forget or don't know how to communicate with our families.  You will not master the art of parenting unless you learn how to communicate with your child.

All children want to be listened to and understood.  After all, they are just little versions of us.  Think about how you feel when you imagine others are ignoring you.  Your kids want to tell you something important but you are thinking about making dinner or the shopping etc. 

If you have read any relationship books, such as Men are from Mars, you will know that men and women communicate in different ways.  When women talk, they generally only want you to listen. But generally men feel that they need to fix the problem.  The result: the men get annoyed when the women isn’t grateful for their attempts at solving the issue.  The woman decides he is ignoring her and goes into a monumental sulk. If adults can get into this muddle, it is easy to see why communicating with your child is a skill that needs to be learnt.

In order to communicate you need to learn how to listen.  I was always told that you have two ears and one mouth, so try using them in proportion!

It will not always be practical, but you should try and go down to your child’s level when they are speaking to you.  We know that you can “hear” better when you look into the speaker’s eye as you become aware of the emotion behind the words.   You also teach your child good manners as they will follow suit and make eye contact when talking to their peers or teachers at school. 

Some of the most serious conditions diagnosed in childhood such as Autism, Aspergers, ADHD etc are characterised by a lack of eye contact.  Children who spend hours watching TV can have problems making eye contact. Some teachers and doctors misdiagnose or label these kids incorrectly.  But they may not have these conditions.  They simply have never learnt how to make eye contact but you can retrain them.

It isn’t possible to carry on two conversations with different people at the same time yet we often do it with our children.  You can see the scene, you have met your friend for coffee and are having a chat.  If your child is trying to speak to you, don’t pretend to listen whilst talking to your friend.  It would be better to stop your conversation, deal with your child and then resume it. 

Alternatively, if your little darling has been pestering you for a while, think about what they are really saying.  They may be bored and in need of some attention.  Try and distract them without making them feel that they are a nuisance.  I know that this is easier said than done, particularly on long rainy summer days!

Watch your body language when dealing with your children. Although they may not be able to talk propely, young children can read body language.  Kids can suffer with fragile self esteem and as you are the centre of their world, your reactions can shatter their confidence.  If you listen properly, make eye contact and show them that they have your undivided attention with appropriate responses i.e. laughing at their jokes etc, then you can’t go wrong. 

Ask your child how his day was.  My sister does this with her son every evening whilst preparing dinner and he just glows in all the attention.  I have to say I struggle with my oldest who often tells me he spent the whole day at school doing "nothing!"

Never assume and always make sure that your child understands what you are saying to them. Younger children tend to interpret exactly what you have told them.  For example, you could tell a toddler to wash his hands and flush the toilet and that is exactly what he will do.  What you meant of course was for him to flush the toilet prior to washing his hands.  But, unless you have baby Einstein in your house who did it correctly, you will probably find he gets upset if you correct him as he has done exactly what you said to do.  He doesn’t yet understand toilet etiquette.

The way around this type of problem is to begin by giving them one job to do at a time.  So at bedtime, tell them to wash their teeth.  Once that is completed, you can then tell them to get dressed for bed. This also works very well with a child who has autistic tendencies.  My son has always interpreted everything I say literally but it took me a while to pick up on these hints. 

Or, alternatively with a slightly older child, have them repeat what you just said.  If they can repeat it, they were listening.  You may find that their listening skills need a little work!  It has been proven that boys can suffer temporary hearing loss when testosterone floods their bodies around the age of four or five.  I should know - I had my son's hearing checked four times when he was this age until a very nice doctor explained the hormone connection!

As parents, we need to raise our children with sufficient skills for this game of life.  

We need to teach them how to communicate properly.  You can start with simple things when dealing with young toddlers.  Asking your child whether they want peas or beans with their dinner, teaches them how to communicate.  They have to form an opinion and make a choice.  Be sure to stick with whatever choice they have made.  I am not for one second suggesting that you turn your kitchen into a restaurant and end up cooking as many different meals as you have kids.  But if you have a choice of vegetables, ask the child what they would like and respect their answer.

It is important to teach your kids that their opinions and feelings count in your home. This teaches them that they are a valued member of their family and by extension the human race.

As they get older, encourage them to think for themselves.  As parents, we want to make our children’s lives as pain free as possible.  We can take this to extremes and not allow them to make their own choices.  That will not help them in the long run. Problem solving is a skill which they will use time and again as they grow older but only if you allow them to learn it. Yes, they will make bad choices.  It is through making poor choices in life, we learn.  Well that’s the theory anyway!

Raising happy confident children is not rocket science.  We just need to remember that kids are little people.  They need to be treated in similar ways to how we like to be treated.  They want to feel valued, important and loved.  With children, the easy way to achieve all this is to give them what they crave most.  And it is not the fastest, flashiest new toy even if they sometimes try to convince you it is! 

It is your time.  Spend quality time with each child, both individually and as a family.  Your kids will appreciate it and you should reap the rewards with a happy less stressful home life.  

You will get it wrong sometimes - thats what makes us human. Just love your kids and do your best and one day they may thank you for it.