Communicating Outside the Zone:

Help For Those Who Are Passive, Timid or Shy

By: Diana Weiss

Fran was shy. In grade school her teacher would ask a question and Fran would know the answer. Fran would think through her answer, gather her words precisely, and construct her sentences in her head. Then, BAM! Before she could raise her hand, another student, (usually the same people time after time) would answer the question. Fran admired those students because the teacher would usually offer positive feedback to them and then politely scold those who “never” seemed to raise their hands.

In Junior High, Fran developed a crush on Ricky. Ricky was a popular and handsome football player. Ricky seemed to like Fran too and once in awhile he would cast a smile her way. Fran felt warm and fuzzy inside, and managed to send a half smile back before quickly sinking in her desk with her head down. Weeks would pass before she mustered up the courage to glance his way again. Fran longed to tell Ricky how she felt. Alone, in her room at night she would practice what she wanted to say. But, faced with the opportunity, Fran was unable to overcome her fear and the crowd drawn to his side by Ricky’s magnetic personality. He was surrounded by all the popular cheerleaders, and his buddies stood guard over him. Fran never told Ricky how she felt and eventually Ricky started “going out with Beth, who, as rumor had it, was not afraid to speak up.

The pattern continued in high school costing Fran points off her grades due to her “lack of classroom participation.” This frustrated Fran. Intellectually, she knew she was bright even if others didn’t recognize her ability. Socially, though she felt inferior. Fran hoped to try out for the basketball team but, the mere thought of an audience coupled with the fear, “sitting on the bench” caused her to miss tryouts.

College Life was hard on Fran. As her friends scattered across the country to obtain their education, Fran found herself more alone than ever. She wanted to make new friends, go to parties and be included in activities but she didn’t know how. If others talked to her first, she could carry on a conversation and if they reached out and invited her to attend a party, she would sometimes go. But, she was unable to strike up a conversation on her own. Fran wanted to change but was not sure how to do it. Fran’s intellectual ability paid off and her grades earned her recognition on the Dean’s List. At a luncheon for honor students, Fran met Bill. Bill was an honor student and the two of them seemed to click. Nervously, Bill mustered up the courage to ask Fran out and Fran accepted. She began to make a few friends and found that she felt comfortable with people once she got to know them. Things went well for Fran for a while and Fran was happy until Mary Jo, one of her new friends accused Fran of flirting with her boyfriend. By this time, Fran had come to adore Bill and was not interested in anyone else. She tried to explain this to Mary Jo but, Mary Jo’s strong extroverted personality over powered her shy, introverted one. Not wanting to hurt Mary Jo’s feelings, Fran gave up trying to make her understand and kept her opinions to herself.

After college, Fran found a job she loved. She worked diligently, even putting in extra hours and soon her efforts earned her a promotion. Excited about her new opportunities as a new manager, Fran contemplated how people would listen to her opinions and ideas now. Once in the role however, Fran found it harder than ever. Her staff took advantage of her easy going, passive nature. They would often congregate for “social gatherings” in the middle of a project that needed to be completed. Fran felt uneasy confronting her staff; after all she wanted her employees to like her. So, she would jokingly or indirectly tell them “it would be nice if the project was completed today.” When the project didn’t get completed, she would find herself upset with her staff. “I thought I asked you to complete this project today.” She once asked the congregated staff members. To her surprise, the staff looked puzzled.

Fran thought the problem was that her employees just didn’t listen or simply didn’t care about the project. In fact, Fran’s indirect communication style, shyness and failure to speak up caused many of her workplace problems. One day Fran’s Manager’s called her into the office over her inability to communicate effectively with her team. She promptly informed Fran that she would be attending a series of seminars to learn new communication skills. Fran was hesitant, but complied with her managers’ request. There, Fran learned how her style of communication often sent mixed messages to others and realized that part of the reason some projects didn’t get finished was because she had not been clear, concise, specific and direct with her request. Fran discovered another problem. She often dropped hints to her employees, hoping they would “get the message.” When they didn’t “get it” she would make accusations, creating defensiveness and distance, later she regretted it. For example, she once stopped an employee who arrived late to work and told her, “You’re always late. You’re never on time”. Finally, she understood that form of communication would not work for her staff. Rephrasing her statements and using more appropriate language (“I noticed you were late this morning. Is there anything I need to be aware of here?”) created huge benefits for Fran and her staff. The team began to open up to her more often. Her confidence began to rise and she had more success with her employees.

It was not easy learning these new skills. Fran sometimes found herself slipping back into her old habits and patterns. Change was hard! With practice though, her new communication skills enabled her to get projects completed in a more timely manner and helped her to establish stronger rapport with her team. This in turn, earned her more cooperation and trust. Armed with her new skills, and considering the progress made, Fran was poised to overcome her shyness of speaking in front of others, getting more involved and meeting new people. Here are some of the steps Fran took. If you are ready to break out of your comfort zone and overcome shyness you may wish to try some of these steps.

F.Y.I. Many of these steps can be applied to help children overcome their shyness as well. Five additional steps are included so that you can help your child move out of their own comfort zone to combat shyness at an earlier age.

1. Get out of your zone--- Your comfort zone that is! It may be uncomfortable at first. You may perspire, feel queasy, or have sweaty palms. So, ease into the transition if you must but do it by asking yourself, “what’s the worst thing that could happen and if that happens how will I respond?” (e.g. worst case scenario---I once fell flat on my face in a meeting.) So, how bad could it really be? It’s usually not nearly as bad as we envision. That being said, I realize this may not be easy, but taking that first step toward over coming shyness is crucial. You must get out of your comfort zone to grow and overcome your shyness.
2. Take public speaking classes at a community college. Community colleges offer night classes as well as classes designed for adult learners. It’s also a good place to meet others. Or, take a Dale Carnegie course. This course can help you build you personal and interpersonal relationship skills by teaching you important human relations principles.
3. Join Toastmasters, a non-profit organization designed to help members learn valuable communication and leadership skills. Members will improve public speaking abilities, develop more confidence, learn to start conversations, learn to think and speak impromptu. Visit Toasmaster.org to find a club near you.
4. Attend Seminars quarterly. The instructors are usually experts in their fields and their main goal is to help you. Good communication skills need to be practiced and seminars can be a good time to meet, greet and network with other individuals in your community. How’s that for getting out of your zone!
5. Use scripts. Write out what you want to say, and how you want to say it Then practice saying it until you start to feel your confidence rising. You may even want to rehearse in front of a mirror so that you can also practice making eye contact. Confident people always make eye contact with those they are talking to and research shows that people feel more understood when the person they are talking to makes eye contact. This will also help build a stronger rapport with others, making it easier to make friends with new people.
6. Get an accountability partner, someone who will push you to try new things and will even participate in some of the new activities with you. You will want this person to be someone you trust and someone with whom you feel comfortable talking to.
7. Read: Read the newspaper. Stay up to date on current events that affect your community. These little headlines can be used as a conversation starter. For example: I was just reading an article in the local paper yesterday (cite your source) about a new café called the Chocolate Café, their Grand Opening is Saturday. Are you a coffee drinker? Depending on the answer you get the reply might change. If they say “No, personally I never touch the stuff," You could reply with “ I read that they are also offering affordable lunch menus, chocolate martinis and homemade signature desserts that are to die for! Maybe we could check it out.” “See how easy it is to start a conversation when you are familiar with current events.
8. Read: Trade Journals and Industry Newsletters to keep up with what’s going on in the work place and in your industry so that you can offer comments, feedback, and ideas. Armed with industry tidbits, you can offer an opinion from the article you have read. It’s not your opinion, so that helps to eliminate the fear of sounding ridiculous and you will look like an expert or at the very least, an employee who knows what’s going on.
9. Talk to people in the grocery store, post office, at the bus stop. Talk to people anywhere. You don’t even have to strike up an intelligent conversation to be nice. Simply, comment on a blouse, a baby in the buggy, or how glad you are that you’re not in a hurry today because the lines are moving much slower than normal. Or, say something witty. “Boy, if I stand in line much longer, I won’t have to defrost the chicken.”
10. Find an activity, any activity that you might enjoy doing and get involved. Take a dance class, art class, or scrapbooking class. Play softball, coach a little league team. Learn to sew, knit cook or ski.
11. DON’T’s:
12. Don’t listen to that inner critic that tells you, “You can’t do this.” “You’re not ready” “You’ll fail.”
13. Don’t ask yourself “what if… I do it and don’t do it well.” Instead, ask “what if I don’t do this and regret it later.” “What opportunities might I miss out on that I may otherwise enjoy.” Or, “what if…I do it successfully, what opportunities might open up enabling me to meet others and how will I feel after completing it successfully? “ Completing and accomplishing activities, especially those that have an element of fear for you will raise your level of self-esteem, making it easier to step out of your comfort Zone the next time.

STEPS TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN OVERCOME SHYNESS:

1. While they are still young, encourage play dates with others. Involve your child in a positive social setting. The organization known as MOPS, or Mothers of Preschoolers, is an excellent organization to engage your child in and mothers can participate too. Mom’s can also make crafts, and talk to other mothers who may be experiencing the same issues.
2. Have lunch with your child at school or volunteer there. Children like the attention and when other children see you at school, they can’t resist wanting to say hi. “Hi Matti’s mom,” They’ll say. As you get to know them and they get to know you, they will speak more often to your shy child.
3. Start a self-esteem program at your child’s school. Bring in a micro-phone and let them tell about themselves or bring show and tell items. Some kids will naturally take the microphone and speak up; others will be more hesitant at first. Encourage students to applaud every child’s efforts after he/she speaks. After about six weeks into the program you will notice the shy ones are shy no longer.
4. Encourage and even gently push your child to get involved. Sports are a good way to build self-confidence. It’s also a good place for children to meet other children their own age. If you are concerned about the competitiveness of some teams, you could try a non-competitive team; one that focuses on building your child’s character through positive reinforcement. Such as Upward Bound. Once your child gets involved, they will enjoy it and want to continue without your urging.
5. Praise your child when they get involved. Don’t be so quick to point out the mistakes. If they do make a mistake, help them to figure out what they can do to avoid making that mistake the next time then encourage them to take action.

If shyness is all you have ever known, and timidity and passiveness feel comfortable; you may be stuck inside “your comfort zone” Being stuck is a comfortable place. It feels natural. But, once you take the first step to travel outside your comfort zone, no matter how uncomfortable