You may, or may not have read about my expensive butter tart habit, but it is unlikely that you know about my other addiction. For three long years I had the golf monkey on my back. Three or four nights a week, I would be out at all hours of the night, golfing. Some nights I would play fifteen, or twenty rounds. I had it pretty bad.

Don't get me wrong. There are some great memories, there. The smoke filled rooms, the money changing hands. Waitresses bringing endless pitchers of cheap, foam laden beer, while Freebird played on the jukebox. These are a few of my favorite things. Or, at least they are the few things I can remember from that time in my life

I will admit that I have never set foot on a golf course, in my life. I just didn't see the attraction in hitting a tiny ball as far as you could, then going to look for it. The last time I played a game like that, it was called "Fetch", and I didn't like it one little bit! No sir. If I want some cardio, I'll go bowling!

This doesn't sound like golf, to you? Au, contraire! All the golf I have ever played, was played in a pub, on a dart board. There may never have been a million dollar purse at stake, but pub golf did pay for many a drunken night of fun, as well as the cab ride home. I personally sent well over a hundred golfers home with empty pockets, and stinging egos. I also made many friends, while golfing. Although, truth be told, I rarely remembered them the next day. That's terrible, I know. Fortunately, it was about this time that Mrs. Evilpants came along, and helped to rid me of the golf demon (bless her furry little heart!).

Actually, her name was Tightpants, at the time. When we got married, she thought about hyphenating. She couldn't decide between Evil-Tightpants, and Tight-Evilpants, so she gave up on the whole hyphen thing. But I digress...

Unlike the boring golf game that most of you are familiar with, the dart board version requires very little walking (and that's a good thing, considering all the aforementioned beer). It does, however, consist of either 9, or 18 holes, and can accommodate as many players as you like.

If you're not familiar with the layout of a dart board, feel free to refer to the photo, to the right. The object of the game, is to complete the round, with the fewest strokes. The doubles ring, which is the narrow band, at the outer edge of the board, is a hole in one. The triples ring, which is the narrow ring between the doubles ring, and the bulls-eye, is two strokes. The thin wedge between the triples ring and the bulls-eye is three strokes, and the thicker wedge above the triples ring counts as four strokes. If you miss the number, that's five strokes.

Each player has up to three darts, to complete a hole. The last dart thrown, is the one that counts. In other words, if your first dart lands in the three stroke zone, and you think you can do better, you still have two darts with which to try. Whatever the outcome, your score is based upon the last dart you throw for that hole. While the first throw was a three, if you continue, and the final dart misses the number, then you have five strokes for the hole. So sorry, but I don't make the rules.

To decide who throws first, each person throws at the bulls-eye. Whoever is closest to the center is first, next closest goes second, and so on.

The first player begins, by throwing at the one. After he has thrown, the score is recorded, and the remaining players throw in turn, until the hole is finished. Once everyone has had their turn, player one throws at the two. Play continues this way, until either 9 or 18 holes are completed. The winner is the player with the lowest score.

Beer is a biggie. It's entirely up to you whether or not to drink, and how much. For the more seasoned pub-golfers, a certain amount of beer seemed to improve the aim. Of course, I'm only speaking for myself, here. Also, I never enjoyed being called a sissy, or namby-pamby, for not drinking enough pitchers. Again, that's just me. It's not like I would cajole someone into drinking too much, so that I could win more money from them.

Second, you should always know who you're playing against. If they are new to the game, they may not be familiar with the rules. Of course I would never advise you to take advantage of that, by making up your own rules as you go. On the other hand, you may find that you are playing against a pro. If that's the case, you'll need to decide whether to walk away, or cheat.

Third, keep in shape. When that pro figures out that you've been cheating, you'll be doing some running.

And finally, you should never go alone. That way, you don't need to outrun the guy that you cheated. You just need to outrun the guy you came with. The six-foot four lumberjack on steroids will be your friend's problem.

 Like I said, Mrs. Evil-Tightpants saved me from all of this years ago (twenty-one years, to be exact), and I haven't looked back, since (as far as she knows).  Enjoy your newfound sport, and practice practice practice! You just never know. You could make it to the olympics.