This is an excerpt from a book written concerning post-abortion effects of the women who experienced them. This is not a commonly recognized perspective...but one that needs to be; for the health and well being of women and their families that experienced abortion.

A Conspiracy of Silence

Melinda Tankard Reist

In two previous excerpts from her book Giving Sorrow Words: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion, journalist and women's rights advocate Melinda Tankard Reist discussed how inadequate and deceptive pre-abortion counseling contributes to the lack of authentic and fair choice, and many women's experiences of coercion, mistreatment, and the psychological and physical effects of abortion.

In this excerpt, she describes the silence and absence of help that many women face after abortion -- a further injustice that deepens their pain and isolation and can lead to prolonged suffering.

E. Joanne Angelo, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine in the U.S., has written about the importance of the mourning process:

Grief following a death in the family is a universally accepted experience. A period of mourning following the loss of a loved one is a normal expectation in every culture. It is also generally understood that if this mourning process is blocked or impacted, there will be negative consequences.¹

But there is no period of mourning for a woman suffering grief after an abortion. There are no grief teams, no body for her to cuddle and dress, no footprints or photographs to keep in an album, no ceremony, no grave on which to lay flowers; in short, nothing to acknowledge that this baby ever existed.

Peta makes this point in an extract from her story, writing, "The pain and grief continues because there is no acknowledgment of death, except in my heart ... The shadow of my lost little girl or boy will always follow me."

Beatrice, who underwent a second trimester abortion, describes what this lack of acknowledgement feels like:

My grief will be unresolved because you cannot grieve the normal way, you can’t repeat and repeat yourself. My husband and I never talk about the inner feelings ... although I’m sure he must think of it too. It’s just taboo and you put it to the back of your mind ...

Katarina, a psychologist, wrote of feeling cheated because she is not free to grieve:

My sister has since had two stillbirths—as a family we have grieved and empathized with her and her husband’s dreadful pain. Inside of me I felt cheated as no one had grieved with me for my two lost children—not even me. When my mum says no one in the family has experienced pain like my sister my heart cries out silently, "But I have."

Women are told they’ll get over it, that time heals, but find this is not true. Elizabeth had an abortion in 1973:

The aftermath was a numbness I hadn’t anticipated. I was numb, hollow, dead, and so very heavy with sorrow. The feelings didn’t “go with time” as my delighted mother assured me they would. I grew morose, bitter, very sad; so heavy with sadness, I can’t describe it . . .

I cried every day, I stayed as drunk as I could for as long as I could, and I hated myself and everyone else. I used to dream about the child I’d lost ... I wanted my child. I loved it, cherished it, yearned for its birth, missed it when it was taken from me, and to this day, 26 years later, feel the tragic heaviness of loss. My only consolation is that one day when I die our souls may reunite.

A grieving post-aborted woman faces a conspiracy of silence. She is expected to be full of gratitude and praise that she could access the “right to choose;” to speak badly of her experience makes her seem ungrateful.

The Absence of Help

Women often spoke of being unable to get satisfactory help for their grief from clinics or organizations connected with abortion. Karleen said that when she sought help at a women’s counseling clinic, she was told it was wrong of her to speak badly of her abortion experience. Kara told of posting her personal abortion story on an Internet discussion of abortion. She was told to “get lost”—her story wasn’t welcome.

Sue also went to a women’s center and tried to share the grief she had carried for 24 years:

I took a risk last year at the local women’s center and was very surprised to be confronted by the hostility of one woman present—she had every right to her opinion but I made the mistake of assuming that the women’s center would be a safe place to discuss it without judgment.

There are few “safe places” for women to share their grief. Women are made to suppress their pain and invent other reasons to explain what they are going through. A woman who shared her abortion pain in a story in The Age in 1992 described trying to get help from a pro-choice organization:

They said the reason (that you are hurting) is that you’ve got stuff in your background that you need to resolve. But I don’t think I’ve got unfinished business.²

If a woman is depressed after an abortion, she is made to feel it’s her own inability to deal with sadness which is the problem. The onus is all on the woman. But, as Isabelle wrote, "[P]ost-abortion grief is a very real experience. It goes on and on. Every time abortion is debated it sounds ten times as loud and it hurts ten times as much."

The Need for Resolution

Contributors to this book described many ways of trying to understand what happened to them, searching for a place of “healing” or “resolution” or “peace.” They had in common a need to find a way through crushing grief and to give expression to their mourning and sense of bereavement. A few were able to find a pathway to resolution; others still look for it.

But many more have not been permitted expression of their pain, nor been allowed to seek a way through it. They remain locked in, shut up, shut out of the discussion. Surely the time is long due that they too be encouraged to speak, to give their sorrow words and so help resolve their grief.

~~~

Excerpted from the book Giving Sorrow Words: Women's Stories of Grief After Abortion, by Melinda Tankard Reist. This book is available from the Elliot Institute under our Acorn Books publishing imprint. For more information, visit www.theunchoice.com or call 1-888-412-2676.

For information on finding help and healing after abortion, visit our healing page.

Citations

1. E. Joanne Angelo, “Post-Abortion Grief,” Human Life Review, Fall 1996, p. 43.

2. Jane Cafarella, “The heartache of abortion,” The Age, Aug. 28, 1992, p.14.

What every American needs to know

7 reasons this message is unique and essential ...

1) it is backed by the most recent academic research about unwanted abortions and other injustices, plus post-abortion injuries, grief and risk.

2) it rocks conventional wisdom about free, fair or fully informed "choice" or "safe" abortions,

3) it is backed by new evidence of widespread unwanted, coerced or even forced abortions,

4) it warns all Americans that their own teens and loved ones are at risk of unwanted, dangerous abortions and post-abortion injury, grief or even death,

5) it warns those who would push or force abortion on a loved one of the risks to those they may think they are helping,

6) it places post-abortion issues within the context of a long list of injustices and risks to teens and all women, including unwanted, coerced or forced abortions, deceptive counseling and disinformation, expert denial of widespread coercion, trauma and post-abortion injury and heartbreak, and other abuses of teens and pregnant women,

7) it softens hearts and minds, and opens the door to healing.

What Every American Needs to Know

Few people know about widespread unwanted, coerced or even forced abortions in America.

Few fully understand its heartbreaking, even deadly, aftermath for teens and women of all ages — especially when the abortion was unwanted, coerced or forced ... or if family, friends and even experts dismiss widespread coercion, unwanted abortions, injury and heartbreak ... or if they fail even to acknowledge those hurt or killed by pregnancy- and abortion-related violence or

to acknowledge families who have lost a loved one in the aftermath of abortion.

For decades, many women and couples seeking facts and assistance were denied help when they needed it most, pressured from all sides, or given false or misleading information from trusted health care providers, experts, parents and even pastors.

Some were told there was no available help. Others were deceived about fetal development and kept in the dark about alternatives, even though studies indicate the majority felt pressured by others or rushed and uncertain. Few were screened for unwanted, coerced or forced abortion. Now, they’re left to absorb the significant, heartbreaking and sometimes deadly aftereffects alone.

Why are they calling abortion The UnChoice?

• 64% of abortions involve coercion.

• 84% of women having abortions were not fully informed.

• 52% felt rushed and 54% uncertain beforehand, yet

• 67% received no counseling beforehand, and

• 79% were not informed about alternatives.

• Most suffer trauma symptoms and face a significantly higher risk of injury or death after abortion.

• Coercion is common and can escalate to violence.

• Homicide is the leading killer of pregnant women.

This is not about free, fair, safe, compassionate or fully informed “choice” for women. Nor is it a just substitute for the full disclosure, meaningful alternatives and practical support that women need and deserve.

Those who would pressure or even force teens and women into unwanted abortions need to know:

• Risk of death for women is 62% higher after abortion.

• 31% suffer health complications after abortion.

• 65% suffer symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

• 60% said “part of me died.”

• Teens are 6 times more likely to commit suicide if they’ve had an abortion in the last 6 months.

• Clinical depression risk is 65% higher after abortion.

• Suicide rates are 6 times higher after abortion.

Please support candidates who advocate for authentic women’s rights, including freedom from coerced, unwanted, deceptively informed, traumatic, injurious and/or forced abortions; and the right to expert acknowledgment of and healing from post-abortion heartbreak and trauma.

Learn more about unwanted abortions, risks and post-abortion healing ... including how you can help women, men and families hurt by pregnancy- and abortion-related injustices.

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