Control Issue

Do you insist on people doing things your way because your way is the best way? You can be controlling without being aware of it, so read on to find out if you have control issues.

To Call the Shot

Control issues refer to who's in control, who's in charge, or who's getting their way. What's at stake is the power in the relationship and how differences are resolved. It's impossible to completely avoid all control issues in a relationship. The most important thing is that there's a balance. This means, if each of you takes turn to have control over certain issues, then essentially you both are existing in a 'control-balance' relationship. However, problems arise when one party is doing all the controlling and the other party is feeling resentment. Whether you have serious control problems in your relationship will depend on the frequency and intensity of the control issues that arise. Needless to say, significant control issues are harmful to a relationship.

Why the Need to Control?

When life presents many challenges, the desire to control can seem natural. There is the illusion that if we control events, ourselves and others, we will be safe, successful and secure. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. The tighter we grip, hold on and manipulate, the more out of control we become. Many people also feel more in control when they can predict the behaviour of others and when others meet their expectations. Then, they don't have to experience the discomfort of growing, changing, or stretching themselves. Instead, they can pretend that their world is logical, orderly, predictable, and safe. Especially in relationships, where people feel vulnerable, emotions are high and a great deal is at stake, the wish to control arises. At first, this may appear as possessiveness, wanting to know all about what the partner is doing, dictating what he or she can or cannot do. Possessive feelings often intensify. Power struggles erupt.

There is the sense that the person belongs to you and you have the right to direct their choices and the way their life goes.

How to Break Free from the Addiction to Possessiveness and Control, that both the person dominating and the one being dominated lose freedom and wellbeing.

Although the dominant one may say they are doing it out of love, for the good of the partner, the bottom line is that there is fear and anger here, manifesting as the desire to control. Love always honours and respects another; it gives a person space to be whom they are, to make their own changes and discoveries. It does not seek to take over another's life, but to enhance it.

The Dynamics of Control

The more out of control one really is, the more the desire to control arises. Being able to control another person or situation can provide a feeling of power, strength, authority, or the sense that one's world will stay stable and secure. However, the more we control the more of our own energy we have to use to keep this vigil up. Control and domination can become an addiction. There is a rush that goes with control; the person feels powerful, as though they are strong and on top of the world. Meanwhile, the one being controlled may also feel a rush of safety and security, as though they matter a great deal to someone. Sooner or later though, all of this will collapse.