My mother was the driving force in our family, and she set the tone and personality. She considered herself to be many things that were very positve such as honest, generous with her family, intelligent, hard working, non-complaining, and strong mentally, emotionally, and physically come to my mind quickly. Unfortunately, she also considered herself to be shy, and this may have been exacerbated by her being hard of hearing. Being shy is a burden, and I think she passed this on to her children. As far as conversation is considered, it meant that you never initiate conversation. The other person has to speak first, and when that happens, well, it is okay to respond.

I think many people have come from families that teach shyness, and if you are reading this to learn how to start conversations, I want you to be willing to speak first.

So you may be thinking, what do you say? Well, it depends where you are and how often you have seen the other person. Some things you want to stay away from are being too strong. Unless you are Dane Cook or Robin Williams, don't go for humor in the beginning. And do stay away from politics, sex, and religion. Refrain from vulgar and harsh language. Choose a remark that is gentle and innocuous . . . especially if you are a male speaking to a female, and especially if you are a tall or large person.

I am a tall and big person, and I have to still be extra gentle in starting conversations with people for the first time. I am almost sixty years old, and I am not as frightening as I was before, When I was younger, I know that I actually scared people who later found me not scary!

So, as I said, be willing to speak first, and whatever you have to say, in the beginning it should be gentle and innocuous. Tie your conversation starter to something in the environment. You are in line at the grocery store, and the person behind you has an umbrella (it is just starting to rain hard), you could say, "I wish I had brought my umbrella!" There is a tie-in to the environment, the rain, and an indirect compliment to the other person (he/she did a smart thing). Most likely, the other person will respond with something that will give you an opportunity to speak further.

Let's say you live in an apartment complex, and you have seen your neighbor many times and have nodded to himr for acknowledgement, but you have never spoken. This is the time to follow the first rule: Be willing to speak first. "I see that you live next door to me. My name is Fred Jones (and extend your hand to shake hands). Ninety-nine percent of the time the other person will accept your offer of a handshake. . . and he will introduce himself to you. Then comes the remark about the environment: "Gee, I wish they hadn't filled in the swimming pool!" Or whatever there is about your apartment complex. Keep it short. You will see this person again, and now that you have spoken once, the ice has been broken, and after that greet him with a smile and some words. Remember, as Maya Angelou says, people have a hard time remembering what you said, but they remember how you made them feel. A smile and some positive words go a long way.

You are in your apartment, and you see some people moving in two doors down. This is the time to offer help -- but not BIG help. You don't have to help them lug the sofa sleeper up the stairs, but you could say, "Gee, when I was moving in I needed my tools to put my bed frame together and couldn't find them If you need some simple tools, I have some." An offer of a little help is good.

Okay, I can think of much more on this topic, but you have enough to digest right now: You are going to be willing to speak first; you are going to be gentle, innocuous, and perhaps offer an indirect compliment. And, now you are willing to help -- a little.

This won't make everyone love you, and maybe someone will reject your offer of friendly talk, but it will open some doors that will lead to friendship. And, in this world, friendly behavior -- and friends make whatever burden you may have a lighter load. The older I become, the more respect I have for friends.