DAY 1

After 2 days of waking up crying because I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, my Mom convinced me to go to the Dr.

I have a sinus infection but the doctor was also able to feel a nodule on my thyroid.

Since my Mom had thyroid Cancer in her 30's, it is definitely something for me to look into.

I have to go for much bloodwork tomorrow and then I have an appt. on Halloween (next Wednesday) to have an ultrasound of my thyroid.

If they spy the lump, it may need to be biopsied but we'll see then.

Believe me I don't want Thyroid or any other disease but I must say that it seems good that a doctor is looking at other possibilities , outside of my depression, to explain how I feel.

It's an all too easy answer for everything. My Mom said they treated her depression and anxiety with valuim for years before they realized she was very sick with Grave's disease. The doctor asked if I ever notice my heart racing and I said yes but that I usually assume it's my anxiety.

DAY 2

I didn't go to work today. Instead I went and got all my bloodwork done and rescheduled my Wednesday appointment so that I wouldn't have to miss more school to get the ultrasound.

This morning was rough and I got to see what my poor husband goes through every morning with my son and I have to say that I feel horrible. It's like my husband has to deal with 2 of me... Kev had 4 clean pairs of jeans yet there was an excuse why each pair he couldn't wear. Finally we forced him to get dressed after he had already lost 4 wheeler privalege for the weekend. I feel bad because he lives for Sunday 4 wheeling with Dad but he's just got to start being better and we certainly can't let him stay home from school just because he doesn't want to go! Grrr... Then my husband waited at the school and walked him in and Kev wouldn't stay. He kept tearing up. It was 45 mins. until my husband was able to leave. This is just horrible. It just doesn't seem normal to me although in Kindergarten I was the same way. I used to make myself vomit on a daily basis because I didn't want to go to school. But this is Kev's 3rd year of school plus he went partial days for 2 years of Pre school. He should be past that stage by now it seems to me.

Last night, while on the phone with my Mom, I had the worst panic attack I have ever had. We were talking about what the doctor had said and suddenly I started shaking like a leaf, my teeth chattering uncontrollably. I couldn't catch my breath. I was starting to cry and felt completely out of control of my body. It scared my mom and she yelled at me commanding me to stop it. It actually mostly worked. I was still anxious but I quieted and calmed down.

I wish I could explain the thought process I had that through me into the attack. When I think about the possibility of having a thyroid condition. In other words, something that is causing me to feel this lousy outside of mental illness- it begins a cycle of thoughts for me...

I don't know what to wish for. In a way, I want them to tell me something is wrong with my thyroid cuz then it's something physical and probably treatable. Also there is way less stigma associated with thyroid disease then mental illness. But I think I'm afraid that in the end they're just gonna say that it's all in my head "meaning mental illness". I think that is what I fear. Also that I'll end up losing my job. I feel like this school is my last chance at being a successful teacher and I was so happy doing it. But now that I'm feeling so lousy again, I feel like I can't do it in the mornings. Like emotionally and physically incapable of extending as much energy as it takes to teach....

What I mean by my last chance is this. I loved one other school that I taught at as much as I like it here at my current school. They loved me at my old school too. All until the day came when I needed to take a medical leave of absence for me depression and anxiety. It's confidential but people obviously find out. They've never treated me the same since. People there haven't even returned any of my emails lately. They used to always talk about me working there when the other teacher retired and suddenly last year they had someone new in mind they wanted.

I know in my heart that I could never prove it and nobody would admit it, but this is because of the stigma associated with how I've been diagnosed. So I'd be relieved to have something more physical wrong with me. People will understand if I needed time for Radiation. They won't hold it against me. But if I continue on a downward spiral and they find no physical cause , I fear the future.

And unfortunately I can't support my family in another job that I would be qualified for and make equal money at....