My friends would generally describe me as a typical guy in a relationship. I call the shots, I don't like talking about a relationship, and as soon as something gets serious I freak out and run in the opposite direction. I want to be able to overcome this fear but it's self-sabotage and it's a nasty cycle.

At the age of eighteen my longest relationship has been a little shy of three months. I am young and understand that long-term relationships take a certain amount of maturity that I apparently have not yet acquired. I usually am considered one of the more mature girls my age and yet I am completely emotionally stunted when it comes to dating.

I wanted to write this so that some women understand what goes through a guy's head when he starts sabotaging a relationship. The minute I feel that the guy might really like me then I run in the opposite direction. I avoid calls, make excuses to be alone, and try my hardest not to get too attached. From my life experience, relationships have no way of working out successfully so it's better to get out early than to get hurt. 

I've seen heartache before and it is an unpleasant thing that I never want to experience. The problem is is that I am tired of being alone. The only way to not be alone is to give someone a chance, let myself go through the stage in which I really like this person and the feelings are reciprocated. It's one thing to say what must be done but it's a whole different thing to actually do it. 

I'm afraid I may be ruining one of the things that has made me happier than I've been in a long time. I was scared and so I backed off. Now, he's backing off. As much as I'm afraid of commitment, I'm also afraid of losing him. So I guess I would call this a balancing act: which am I more afraid of, losing the boy or staying in my usual patterns of self-destruction? The answer is still unwritten.