Dear Ponzi Scheme Guy...excuse us, Mr. Bernie Madoff;

We couldn't help but take note of your rousing business practices. As you know we are experiencing an unprecedented recession, depression whatever you want to call it and are in need of your services.

Your firm Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC. (We love that part; Limited Liability Company) was one of the top market marker businesses on Wall Street (the 6th largest in 2008). Very impressive by any means. You're reputation was irreproachable by any standards as you kept all of your financial statements under such a collusive lock and key. The returns on your received investments were in the 10% bracket which isn't too shabby. Pacify the public, that's our motto as we can see is your stance as well. We feel that our common interests could help us advance toward a wealthy and uncharitable future. As they say, if you don't take care of yourself, who will?

We would like to offer you a job in our organization (once you get off house arrest) and feel that based on your past appointments you will be, like our last leader, a great ass.. sorry about that (damn delete button is broken) um asset to our association.

Here are some examples of some of your exemplary practices that have not gone unoticed by our associates:

You received $250 million from your good friend and fellow philanthropist Carl Shapiro, a 95 year old man who trusted you and believed you were going to use his money to triple his investment. Damn you're good. As we say "who needs friends when you've got their money?".

Martin Rosenman, president of Rosenman Family LLC. invested $10 million.

J Ezra Merkin invested $1.8 million.

15 non-profits invested funds and believed that you could double their money so they could continue on providing public services for many years to come.

Mortimer Zuckerman invested $30 million.

Now this where is gets impressive. Fairfield Greenwich Advisors invested a whopping $7.50 BILLION! How DO you do it?

Banco Santander invested $2.87 billion.

Tremont Capitol Management invested $3.30 billion.

Bank Medic invested $2.10 billion.

Jerome Fisher (co-founder of Nine West Shoes) invested $150 million.

Man Group & HSBC of Britain invested a total of $1.50 billion.

Spain's BBVA invested $500 million.

French Bank Natixis invested $450 million.

Italy's Unicredit invested $75 million.

Switzerland Geneva Private Banks invested $3.7 billion.

Wow, now that is an impressive list of clients.

We feel that in light of all the investment money you've received, a total of $50 billion dollars, you are the best man for the job. We feel that you can pull us out of this "bad bank and bad mortagage" predictiment that we have found ourselves in, by no fault of our own of course. You're unprecidented sales skills are just what we're looking for. We have incorporated people like you into our organization for years and they have been triumphant in the smoke and screen method of business that you have commanded so well in your past endevors. Although no one was as good at it as you have been of course. Wait a minute, oh yeah there was that one guy, can't remember his name right off hand but he was our CEO for eight years and has made some of his own unprecidented, fundraising, money marketing schemes...we mean strategies that you might have heard of, as most of them have been followed by the press relentlessly. That just goes to show you how popular our association is with the American people. The adoration speaks for its self.

In conclusion,we are in a feverish frenzy about what you can bring to our alliance in this time of need. We are extending our hand to you for all of your knowledge and skill as we are in the same business of making deals in a honest and ethical way.

Sincerely,

The United States Government

P.S. We are so loving that smirk on your face. It'll look good on your government I.D. card.