DID I SAY THAT?A Five Step Formula to Combat Communication Blunders

DID I SAY THAT?

A Five Step Formula to Combat Communication Blunders:

Recently a friend of mine invited some business colleagues to attend a meeting. I listened intently as he gave directions and encouraged these execs to meet him at a local coffee house at 8:00. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he meant a.m. or p.m. but assumed that they had already discussed the time frame before my eaves dropping had occurred. Knowing that he hates to be interrupted, I said nothing. Later that afternoon, I asked him how his meeting had gone and he replied “not one single person showed up and they all said they would be there. I just don’t understand it.” He seemed more than a bit disappointed about the incident as he continued to ponder what might have happened. His answer came at 8:15 pm when he received a call, “We are all here, waiting for you. Where the happy days are you?”

Good communication doesn’t just happen. It is a learned skill.

If you’ve ever shown up for a Dr. Appointment only to find that you had arrived a day earlier or later than your scheduled appointment, you probably understand how frustrating miscommunication can be. On the other hand, you may have asked someone, say a co-worker, colleague, employee or spouse to do something in a specific manner for you, only to discover that they didn’t do what you asked of them. Or, worse yet, they completed the task, but accomplished it in such a way that the outcome delivered was a far cry from what you had intended. If you are tired of talking to people who simply just don’t get it and… tired of wringing your hands or pulling your hair out over it, then this article may help you discover some new insights into this age old problem. For example, are you a good communicator? Think this through carefully before you answer.

If you answered yes, then you fall into the same percentile as roughly about 90% of the people I have randomly surveyed over the past five years by asking this question. This is not necessarily good news! Because 80-90 percent of all the problems we face both at work and at home deal with communication problems, while most of the people who possess and often produce the problems usually think the problem rests with someone else. So, just how can we determine whether or not we are good communicators? There are a few specific clues to look for that might provide insight into the source of the communication breakdown and help you become a better communicator.

While writing a chapter in a book entitled Blueprint for Success featuring Stephen Covey and Ken Blanchard, a colleague, Paul Kehoe and I discovered that communication problems typically boil down to one of three main areas; the way we speak, the way we listen or the way we behave. So, we have developed a clues sheet, and a simple five-step formula to help you determine how effective you are in the communication process. Notice this is not a fix all, formula. It is a closer look at our part of the communication mystery, and the blunders we sometimes make and how to fix some of them if you choose to.

Step 1: Look for Unresolved Conflicts in Your Life

The first step is to take a look at the unresolved conflicts in your life, either at work or at home. Unresolved conflict is a clue. If you tend to bump heads with people often, miss meetings or deadlines, or the people you associate with display these attributes, or, they simply “don’t seem to get it”---that could be a good indicator that the problem might not be the other person. While this does not reveal that the problem rests entirely with you, it does indicate that miscommunication is taking place more often than it should. In order to correct this simple blunder here are seven steps you can take.

1. Speak clearly and specifically.
2. Write down event dates and times and/or project deadlines and instructions so that you can double check the details and facts before speaking.
3. Ask the other person to confirm what they have heard and then listen closely as they give you feedback.
4. Invite their input by asking if it appears you have left out anything important.
5. Clarify any misunderstandings immediately.
6. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying and focus on them not what you will say next. Actively listening to another is considered one of the highest compliments we can pay someone.
7. Make eye contact. Experts tell us that people do not feel understood if you seem pre-occupied while talking to them.

Step 2: Respect the relationship: Don’t Blame or Criticize

Secondly, understand that miscommunication damages relationships, so deciphering our part in the conflict without blaming the other person is also a significant and respectable place to start. Becoming critical, harsh, judgmental, negative and/or blaming others offers another clue that we are part of the problem. Understanding and correcting harsh communication can help keep relationships intact. It sounds simple but when we are frustrated, we tend to use blaming language which only begets defensiveness and more blaming language. In order to stay away from the “blame game” replace the words “you always” or “you never” with “I noticed,” For even better results simply state what you would like as opposed to what you don’t like and frame your message around a positive intention using positive language rather than criticizing, negative and fault-finding language.

Step 3: Know Yourself Well

The third step is to “know ourselves” so well that we understand how we behave in certain situations. Looking under the magnifying glass isn’t always easy but when we look at our own behavior we may begin to notice clues, habits and patterns that contribute to the problem. For example, I am usually very easygoing. However, when I am under tremendous stress, feeling attacked, or know that I have been lied to, I become more direct and to the point; I take charge and sometimes I’m a little bit sarcastic. By knowing this, I can step back and understand what I am feeling and how I might be speaking in a different tone than I normally do. By raising our own awareness, we can often stop ourselves from saying something we might regret later.

Step 4: Know Others Well

The fourth thing we can do is to understand how others communicate and how they behave under certain conditions. Some people communicate aggressively; they speak directly and say exactly what’s on their mind while others communicate indirectly and very passively. Those who are more effective are those who are assertive, they say what needs to be said in a tactful manner without blaming, threatening, or harming others. However, it is important to note that being assertive is never a license to say whatever we want when we want to without consideration for the other person. Another consideration is how some people will either clam up or blow up. Knowing this clue in advance can be helpful. For example someone who tends to clam up may simply need time to process a conflict or communication blunder. You may also need to draw them out by making it safe for them to talk about the situation. Those who blow up on the other hand may also need time to calm down and gain a fresh perspective. Numerous personality and behavioral assessments are available on the market today that can help you understand the important effects various behavior styles have on our ability to communicate effectively with others.

Step 5: Do a Perception Inspection

The fifth thing you can do is a “Perception Inspection!” Here is a simple clue that is often overlooked: The way you perceive others is not necessarily how they see themselves. The way they see you is not necessarily the way you are and just because we “perceive that someone is saying one thing, their perception may be that they said something totally different. Perception is developed based on how we observe and experience the things and people around us. Since not everyone experiences things at the same level or degree of intensity, our perceptions can differ. Inspecting our perception allows us to gain new insights and information about situations and the people we encounter. As we gather this new information, our perceptions adapt and change. Perception inspections can help you remove preconceived thoughts about others that tend to halt communication. Defective perceptions of others lead to assumptions and activate the cycle of miscommunication. Confusion is the child of assumption. So, if you find yourself caught up in a cycle of confusion and mystery like this, perhaps you will want to focus on assertively and tactfully improving your own communication style, even if your perception is that it’s still the other person. Now, did I say that?