Daddy, I Blame You.
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Daddy, I Blame You.
The world likes to tell me, my life, it is special and this may be true,but you started my life with something missing, and what was missing was you. For thirty years I have wondered, "What did I do?" I don't have a family, I don't even have you.
So it sits in me, my deepest of sorrows; that the people who made me, gave me nothing! Nothing new, nothing special, nothing important, nothing true, you left me with nothing, nothing, not even you!
They say I can change my life, change it for whatever but first I must accept it, accept it before it gets better. They say, "Do not blame," but I tell you this isn't true because today I do feel better; I feel better blaming you.
I keep to myself, the aguish that I feel, the world does not want to hear about my heart, my aggression, my thoughts and my tears. So I fill them with love in hopes that they will listen for God put me on track with a very special mission.
You don't know how it feels when I see a family that was kept, knowing that inside I wasn't good enough so you left. At times it is true, I am very, very blessed, blessed enough to make it feeling so depressed.
I have no family but the one that I had made and it is sort of funny that her daddy and you are one of the same. So I did what Mom had taught me, while he was drinking we left. But you see at least I told him and it was my daughter I kept.
You don't know what it feels like to see what a family is supposed to be. I am a silent beggar asking families to accept me. I know they aren't all perfect but between you and me, at least they have someone to complain to when things aren't the way they that they should be.
People, when they listen, they say that I am blessed. For forgiving and trying to live my life at its best but something is always missing and it hurts me everyday, that I never had a family, one not broken anyway.
Mom, she stayed but it tore her to pieces, for her to have a daughter and her daughter be the reason, the reason that she left, to get away from the likes of you but it broke her at best.
Now, Tony says he has a hard life, you remember my brother but mom loves him so much, so much more than the other. I will never forget the day she stabbed her friend for trying to come between her, come between her and the end.
I can never forget the words spoke that night "Sandra, I hate you, it is your fault tonight." And into her heart where she tried to put that knife but I tell you it was my heart, it was my heart she killed that night.
While Tony convinced me, it was nothing I did; he shunned me years later for the same begotten sin. Alone I have been for most of my life, it is no wonder I can't talk but can type. In front of the computer, all day I sit while my daughter plays beside me, "Mommy, look what I did!"
And so angry I am, that sometimes I don't play because I sit here and wonder and repeat it everyday! I tell myself it is ok to be social because this is what I have, how I communicate, how I relate, how I show the world that it is not ok to hate.
How awful of me to not play with my child as much as I would like but something is still missing and it will be missing until it is right. To be freed from the pain I feel day and night and I promise her better as I get better following the Light.
And it hurts a lot to always be alone, no one to talk to, no one who really knows, it was you that had made me and without you I still am, someone who is forgiving and grateful for what I have.
When I hug my daughter, I hug her so tight because I know what I did and I will make it right. I pray day and night, "God give me a friend, someone who will love me, love me through till the end."
You see, Morgan; she is lucky, she is lucky that I know, how important a family is and how much I love to watch her grow. And I pray that she has everything but one thing she must never know, that I blame you Daddy...and that I want you to know.
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Comments
Thanks Goldentoad, it is a little sad when I look at my daughter and the thought of not having her is way worse than anything else. Parents can be stupid. I hope your mom comes to her senses.
Hello Sandy - Now I know why you and God are so close ... Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,"
[Big long hug]
I ache for you, Sandra. You are a multifaceted gem -- strong, smart, often funny, and today showing us your vulerable (but strong) side. You said the magic word: Forgiveness. I'm so glad you have your daughter. She is lucky to have you as a mom. Prayers and hugs for you both. MM
Thanks BDaz! *accepting big long hug* 3
Mighty Mom, thanks, I hope when she grows up she will be able to do the same. Thanks for your prayers and hugs for us both. 3, I love you guys!
What a fantastic woman you are Sandra - I love your writing, your honesty and your vulnerability - I hope that you can completely overcome your pain (sometimes these things never leave us) and achieve as you want for you and your little girl...go well...cheers
wow. Very good, hub. I can never imagine, what it is to be in your shoes, but Im sending hugs. You are a beautiful lady, and have a beautiful daughter, and a warm heart.♥
Thanks ajcor and Cherish. I guess I don't know what to say but I just love hugs so I will just take them. 3's.
Dear Sandra
Hi. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was where you are now about 20 years ago. Something about the magical age of 30. But it does get better. My daughter got married this last week end. What a joyous event. God has a sense of humor. He helps us get through the hard times with humor. She was born on labor day.
That’s our job. To make sure our children know that they have choices in life. We didn’t. But they will, and do. So this may not make you feel any better now. But in the future, when your little girl walks down the isle; your joy will be priceless.
I just found hubpages, and started my first hub. After I’ve added a few hubs, come visit…you’ll always be welcome.
Poetry: Healing through poetry and other thoughts...
Whytshawll
It's hard for me to know what to say. My family life was so normal, so ordinary. My paternal grandfather abandoned his wife and three sons when my dad was very young but my father never talked about it or expressed any bitterness. His mother was my favorite grandparent. She was a very cool lady. She never spoke of her deserter husband either. I guess those were different times. Her sons and the rest of our family looked after her. Even though she lived alone, there was always family nearby.
I think I now have a clearer understanding of your relationship with your god. I sincerely hope that someone will be placed in your path who will help to fill the void that is there. As you already know, angels come in many forms.
Wow Sandy, you got there! I think this is it, I think you got right to the root. And you managed to let it out, brave little you! Amazing. I can't even imagine how hard of a work it was...
I am not 100% sure of course, but I think it will be getting better from now on :)
Well Sandra, I have one question for you to face and to understand yourself! Here it is:
Why are you not becoming a FAMILY?
So this is it what I have got from your expressions. There is no need to ask for family to any body, when you have the SELF to start with your daughter!
I am sure if you are going to do that, miracle will be there...
Sandra- A very touching letter about your dad. I guess I have loving parents and maybe I can't relate to half the things that you mentioned. I hope you do have a wonderful life ahead and may your daughter get the love of mom/dad from you. I don't know what else to say but I wish you happiness from the bottom of my heart. {{Big Hug}}
Wow, Great hub. Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful story.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
Hang in there!
Such a sad story. You aren't alone. I hurt for you as I read. I have experienced something very similar. Hug your daughter, play with her, lover her, and cherish her for she is your special little gift from God. She will not be with you always as she will grow to be a woman someday. Hold her while you can and God bless you.
Hey Sandra. :)
Not only touching, but poetic. Don't ever let your past dictate your future. God knew you before the foundation of the world. Before you were on the "drawing board". Not only that, but He knew every moment, and detail of your life, beforehand. This is who/what you are. Let it shape you to be the best you can be.
You are obviously reaching and touching a lot of people. Use this gift to bless others. Jesus said that greater love has no man than to lay down his life for his friends. Keep showing love, by sharing your heart with your friends by standing strong in your own life.
God bless you Sandra.
Sending big hugs for you and your daughter.
Mike
Thanks for sharing such a moving story. You are strong and fragile at the same time. It's a really admirable combination. I wish you the best.
very good hub..wish u good in your life
An excellent compostition, honest and sincere. Sometimes wriitng is the best way to express yourself and you certainly acheived that in this composition. I have a daughter too and can totally relate to you like the song - Things can only get better.........................
Excellent Hub, and so similar...my dad was home but a drunk, and tho he was home he was never there. Like you I blame him.
Sandra - I am very touched by your vulnerability and the pain you share is very real and my heart goes out to you. While I had a wonderful father, he died unexpectedly when I was almost 16, and the love light went out of my life, so I can say I understand where you are at emotionally My mother and I weren't close, and I long for a close as family as well. I have grandchildren, but they are far away,although I keep in touch.
The hunger for a mate, a male figure to love and accept us is a very real emotion, especially as women, for we look to men for strength and oftentimes direction. This is God's design. Men, if directed by God's plan, are givers, and come to understand the needs of a woman, and are selfless enough to provide it even to their detriment. They are the shoulders to cry upon and the one who takes the brunts of life so that we can remain vulnerable and giving, a scary place for women who have never had it, but long for it.
I can now understand why perhaps it has been hard for you to see the Lord as your Heavenly Father -- an absent father often translates to an absent God. But, the God encompasses so many relationships -- friend, father, guide, husband, and so many more places in our heart when we open up to Him. God is not man that He will disappoint or lie or leave. He is eternal, and His unfathonable love reaches the deep recesses of our painful soul.
I struggled for years even as a Christian for the loss I felt, but finally there came a point, where I know that I know He is there, and while I still long for connections, He brings them gradually and in the most unexpected places.
I have a daughter-in-law and 3 grandgirls, but I don't have a daughter, and I could always welcome another special young lady and her precious daugher in my heart, so consider this an open invitation.
Dear Agingtoperfection,
I am touched and accept your invitation. You may or may not know what you just said to me and how much it means to me. But I am about to go and tell two people about about you because what you said and what you look like... well I had a dream just over a year ago and I shared this special dream with two people and I can't wait to tell them you here or I found you or you found me, either way, it's here.
Thank you so much! I know God must love you very, very much.
xoxoxoxo Sandra
Dear Agingtoperfection,
I just need to know one thing, what hubs of mine did you read, or was it only this one?
All I can say is,I believe that we pick our parents.For whatever reason. Maybe it was a bad choice.I sometimes think that's the case.In any case the way I see it.We made our bed ,and we have to make the best of it Just as you have.I'm sure there are people worse off if not emotionally ,then physically.The two together can break the will,if we let it.I'm glad to see your more than holding up and healing yourself with the help of God.
P.S. look up an interesting website "LIFE BEFORE BIRTH" -about how we pick our own parents.
that is an interesting sight. I once tried to commit suicide, actually a few times, okay like a dozen times but the last time was when I was a shoe in for death.
Anyways, as I was being wheeled into the er, I looked and saw myself being wheeled out and I was pregnant. I had dreams for years about my girl and new when I was pregnant that she would be a girl.
Currently I am waiting for by boy. Seen him a few times already.
Sandra, you have a whole family of Hubbers here! You are never alone. God Bless you and your daughter!
I know where you are coming from I have been there physically and emotionally! My Father has never been here for me one way or another! But, I have a husband and two children who love me and a mother who does her best (Alzheimer's). Not to mention a Hubber family just like you!
Thanks Kebennett1, you are right. I have an extended family right here on hp with people like you and so many others.
I wish you the best with your mother. I can imagine her condition being hard on you.
God bless you as well. :D
Sandra, thank you sharing some of your story. It is heart-wrenching, so touching, free flowing & beautiful. You are validating your voice of childhood hurt and deep pain. In doing that you touch the heart of other souls.
Yes, most people would say don't blame, forgive and so forth....
Not good for the hurt soul - I say. People must be held accountable for destructive deeds. Healing requires responsibility and accountability.
May your world shine in love and light.
Raging Bull
There is an old saying
Whats doesnt kill us , makes us stronger!!
But dammit , gimme a stable loving family anytime huh.
Thanks for sharing an obviously tender part of your life.
Makes us fighters huh ,for the right things and less tolerant or trusting of the b/s that exists everyday in our wolrd! Stay strong , stay determined ,stay open.
May your journey be lighter ,and your travels safe.
"My daddy gave me a name - then he walked away"
I feel ya -- it takes a real man to be a dad, I was a single mom for a long time as was my mother -- but it makes you a better and stronger person which Im sure you already know.
Word Kawayi. :)
I loved this hub. From the heart and soul. My dad was never there for me either and worse he put me down, etc. and My inner child was wounded, but my strong will has pulled me through as YOURS HAS YOU. I see.
will enjoy reading more of your hubs and hope you will check mine out. cheers mike
Hey Mike it's nice to have a male voice here too. What we went through as kids will probably haunt us forever but at least we have grown up from it and worked on being better people in the long run.
God Bless,
Sandra
Sandra...I am so sorry...My heart goes out to you. I hope you now have supportive people in your life that truly cares for you. Your daughter is lucky because you will not allow her to feel the brokenness you felt growing up. And great writing by the way! The rhyming and story telling...you are talented! Keep your head up love...his lost he didn't stick around to know someone as great as you!
Thanks thanglynn, you are so sweet. It really puts a lot of peace in my heart when I hear positive support even from people I have never met. It reinforces my idea that there really is a lot of love in the world. :D Thank you.
You're very welcome. Even if we're not content with certain things in our lives, there are always those blessings, big or small in our lives that remind us that yes, in the midst of it all love does exist...there is happiness after all...
Sandra your truth touched me and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I can't say I completely know how you feel but I have an idea with a story close to yours and I think you are strong to tell your story. I have had it rough too and all I can do is my best to make sure my two girls have it better than I did. Continue to take care & love your girl because she is your family and needs you more than anyone.
Family is who and what you make of it and you are on the right path starting with your little angel, keep up the great work and keep writing because your gift should not be wasted!
Thanks Cheril, you do the same. Your daughters are lucky to have a strong mother like you. :D
Great piece Sandra. You have a wonderful grasp of tone. Especially I enjoy the rhythm of the work as a narrative/poem. Very original and personal, it's a tough job to balance the two and retain the tone without losing the maturity of the message. Good job.
Thanks twalker, I always appreciates some positive feed back on my writing. :D
Sandra, this was on my home page, I was compelled to read it. Glad I did. I too was a dad like that, still am I guess. My kids all love me and visit now and again. I feel awful over things I cannot erase and hurts I have done. No excuses, but I never had a dad to teach me, he died when I was 7. I do hope you are OK now and please, don't be too hard on him. I'm sure there are things unknown to you, like maybe a guilt he too is bearing and finds it so difficult to talk about too. I'm lucky in that I have made some amends with my own children, it is hard. thanks for sharing. peace now CC
Hi Ralwus, I am glad that you are good enough to try and mend the things that happened in the past and your kids come to visit and love you.
For myself, I recently tried to have a relationship with my dad but I was pretty much blown off. It could be that he feels guilty or whatever but I forgive and just stop trying.
I think it only seems to hurt when I know that he could if he "wanted" to so it seems he just doesn't want to and it is okay with me.
very revealing and beautiful...
Sandra:
I felt like wax near a flame when I read this.
Deep ~ heavy ~ haunting
Thanks for sharing this with us all.
If you find the time to read of these twenty~eight.....you might relate.
A candid expose of the human heart; frail yet strong!
Thanks quietnessandtrust and Chad. :) What a human heart can endure is a story worth repeating a billion times.
:)
Interesting work =] - a pleasure reading you Sandra. I know it's difficult to live with the one subject missing from the family portrait, but such struggles define you who you truly are - a wonderful and inspirational poet who speaks with a sharp mind and expresses through her courageous heart.
Wow, I could feel the emotion and the heat coming off the page. Thanks for sharing that with the world. Brave and awesome.
Its amazing how your emotions can be felt throughout your piece. Not having to relate not caring if you do. I hope you were able to release some things needed to be let out.
I totally was atm3336. Thanks.
beautiful, raw and intense... it sounds strange but i identified with Stitch in "Lilo & Stitch", when he talks about how he had no family so he made one all on his own. when i had my son all of that pain before was all worth it because i had him. what a gift our children are. we carry the past with us because it is part of us, blended and woven into the fabric of who we are. you're right - you can accept. but you can also blame. if we don't, then it's like saying 'meh, that's ok what you did to me and how you hurt me'.
you are very brave.
Hi cosette, I was just watching that the other day with my kiddo. Can't argue with your sentiments. Thank you.
you're welcome Sandra. hehe, my son and I decided he was Stitch and I am Lilo. your hub will stay with me for a while...
WOW.... very powerful and moving piece. Perhaps this might wake other young men to the facts that your father obviously missed: Children need both parents.
I wish you the best in your search for family and may you be blessed.
That was...I'm speechless!
How you were able to convey all those emotions in those words, I could feel your pain, your hurt and abandonment but I could also feel your strength that you have for you and your daughter.
They say that in order to build strong muscles you first have to break them down.
goldentoad says:
11 months ago
Sandra, my heart goes out to you. I've had a very rough time with my parents all my life, and often I wish my mom could see what she is missing and realize her grandson is something special and she should try to be a part of his life. I'm long gone on my own path but she still has a chance to touch him and teach him. Its too bad some parents choose to let the ones they love go. stay strong.