Dating: 5 Things She Has A Right To Know
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Deal breakers. Everyone has their list, and everyone has their own opinion of what constitutes a personal right to know. Personally, I believe there are five basics bits of information every woman has the right to know from the very first date.
True, they can sometimes be difficult to ask, but I'd rather piss a man off and never see him again, than cruise through several months of a happy relationship, only to discover he forgot to mention information I consider somewhat significant.
This is not to say that there are definite right answers to these questions; but they definitely warrant a right to know.
1. Whether or not you have children.
A woman may or may not be willing to accept a man with children, but if you hide the fact that you have them, she will likely dump you the second she finds out. I dated someone for 3 months before he told me about the 7 year old daughter he spent every other weekend with. I cannot tell you how unacceptable that kind of deceit is. I probably wouldn't have cared, had he been straight about it from the start. What’s wrong with you men who do this, anyway? Are you really that ashamed of fatherhood?
2. Whether or not you have an incurable STD.
We know what these are, right? Herpes, HIV, etc. Nowadays, these are often manageable, and the right woman would probably be willing to work around them for the right man. If you lie about having them, however, you will never be considered the right man.
3. Whether or not you have a life-threatening illness.
By this I mean the kind that isn't sexually transmitted. Most women would not shy away from this, but it's best to let them know about it up front. Otherwise, you could run into problems when you start having to go to hospital and she can't possibly begin to understand why. You could save this for the second date, but it should be out in the open. Besides, if you're dating someone who wouldn't want you because of it, you probably wouldn't want her, anyway.
4. Whether or not you’re married.
Sad that I have to include this one, but there you are. The British are particularly crap at disclosing their marital status. This is largely due to their divorce laws being ludicrously stupid, essentially requiring a 2 year separation before divorce is possible. Nevertheless, I have a right to view you as married, whether you live with your wife, or in a dirty little bachelor pad in the West End. And, I have the right to refrain from dating married men if I so choose. So try to recall whether or not you're married before you ask someone out.
5. Whether or not you’ve ever hit a woman.
Admittedly, this one upsets most men when asked, but if you can’t understand why some women ask such questions, you’ve lived a sheltered life. Some men hit women, and they don’t usually start out busting Jane’s chops on date one. Therefore, I like to ask this on date one, and usually over dessert. Oh, he could lie, but the truth is usually pretty visible in the expression. If you’ve never hit a woman, just say no. If you’re offended by the question, go ahead and say so, but don’t think for one second that she doesn’t have the right to know.
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Comments
Thanks, Zuz! I considered adding job to the list, but I knew that would result in hundreds of men whinging and saying I only care about how much money a man makes. So I'm glad you added it, lol. ;)
Ha. I think a job is key, though... What about if a guy has an addiction problem or is a recovering addict? It would suck to offer a drink to a recovering alcoholic. But, I guess it's up to him to not take it.
But of course...very true. And though less serious than the ones you listed, one of my deal breakers is whether or not you use tobacco or illegal drugs. Thanks for the hub.
Yes, Isabella, all pertinent points, and not impertinent of the woman to ask. Not enough if men are just naturally honest, they have to deliberately answer these questions, if unasked. Maybe not on the first date, of course, and kill the romance, if any.
It's ideal if woman ask institute this probe or quiz boldly. I would welcome it.
Thank you for raising this; it's for every date's benefit, man or woman.
You are right I think you has a lady have every right to know the answers.
QED Quad erat Demomstrtum: That is
Quite Easily Proved
Whitney - I see what you're saying, but if he has a drug problem its unlikely youd know it was a problem until it was too late. If it were obvious, you wouldnt be on the date in the first place. If hes a truly recovering addict or alchoholic, I dont think a woman is necessarily entitled to know. Recovering addicts are usually better "behaved" than the average jerk I've wound up dating. ;)
Phantom - Well yes.. smoking can be a deal breaker, but you'd see that one for yourself by the time the date was over. ;)
Kenny - Thanks! I agree with you, though many men get upset over being asked. Americans get really touchy about, the Brits take it more in stride.
MrM. - Thanks! And yes, easily proved, but hopefully it doesnt have to get to that point. ;)
Hey! Hubpages saw the light!
Great hub, Isa. Any man that would hit a woman needs, at the very least, his ass kicked thoroughly.
Whether or not he has good credit (women assume debt from a relationship all too often), ever filed for bankruptcy (this obvious), ever been to jail (may not be employable), if he is a felon (may not be trustworthy), does he owe backtaxes to the IRS (may end up getting money withheld from the women's job if marriage takes place and assumes any spousal debt), is he diagnosed with any mental disorder (may end up with a spork in the back of neck when asleep on night because he has a trip back to another time in prehistoric history), if he is obsessive (may never let you wear lipstick and heels again or water the flower-bed and waive at the neighbors), of course the obsessive one might be seen from day one. Could you imagine dating someone for a few months only to find that he's America's Most Wanted and he is wanted for conning women out of their fortunes? Great topic. Might make a great book. You go girl! Now I'm just waiting for some guy to challenge you with a list of deal breakers for men. Ha ha ha. Or may I suggest that you write one after asking guys what the deal breakers are for them. Hope to see you write it before some p.o'd man comes in here and thinks wer're picking on him.
Isabella,
Great points. Very reasonable.
Another good post. As others have pointed out, I'm sure that this list could be expanded almost interminably (everybody has their personal "deal breakers"; saw one chick's on-line add that indicated that a man who drives a Kia need not apply!), but these are pretty universal and reasonable. Need it be said that they tend to work both ways? A man also ought to know certain things about a woman at the start of a relationship rather than have them come as not-so-pleasant surprises down the road.
Let me also echo <b>Fretbuzz</b>: a man who hits a woman should indeed have his ass kicked.
Isabella- That's a true point. It's just something I'd be interested in knowing sooner than later.
Another GREAT Hub Isabella!!
And yes, I think most of us know that all of the above would apply to women being honest with men as well!!
My list has expanded over the years, unfortunately with experience!! I echo many of the deal-breakers Zsuszy and Elleissa listed above!! I could add about a hundred more!!
I agree with Isabella in the comment that many truly recovering addicts/alcoholics are often "better behaved!!" Alas, I disagree and DO BELIEVE a woman (or man) has a right to know if someone is recovering or has recovered from substance abuse!!
I was engaged to a wonderful doctor many years ago that had been clean and sober for over 10 years by the time we met!! He was a pillar in the community and helped thousands of others regain their lives through AA!! He had minor surgery and the seemingly-harmless pain pills he was prescribed sent him right back into the arms of addiction!! He became a different person almost overnight and began popping every kind of pill he could get his hands on!! And as a doctor, he could get anything!! We went from a wonderful life to his surgeon's license being suspended in less than 60 days!!
Yes, there are many, many things a person has a right to know when dating!! The first date might be a little soon for ALL the skeletons in the closet to be disclosed but certainly by the third date, and for me before I would consider him as a possible lover, there should be full disclosure!!
No wonder I have been single so long!! ;-)
Blessings again to you Isabella for your straight talk!! Earth Angel!!
My deal breaker questions have now been expanded. Thank you.
BTW - It amazes me how many single men live with their mother, not for their genuine care and concern, but for "financial" reasons....to be interpreted as unemployment or a huge debt issue. You might consider this as an addendum to your list. :-)
Fret - Huh?? Saw the light how??
Adventure - Thank you! :)
Doc - LOL at the Kia thing. LOLOLOL. But yes there are some for men as well, and I'll probably make that list eventually. ;)
EA - Thanks! :) I see your point. Sounds awful!
MysticB -Hmm, good point! I'll have to consider adding it to a future list. :)
I sort of agree with Whitney about the addiction thing, but not that a man should say if he's a RECOVERING addict; rather, I think a woman has the right to know if he currently has an addiction that he is nursing. You'd think she would notice this right away, but addicts are remarkably good at hiding their addictions.
Great hub!
Addicts rarely think of themselves as addicts.. and if they really thought they were an addict, I truly doubt they would come out and say they were on smack or something.. there are many things I think one should be entitled to know upfront, but this list is only those you can actually verify in a relatively short period of time. You might never know someone was an addict, and if it was very bad, as you said, it should be obvious. ;)
Yes, Isabella, but a recovering addict, knows that he has a problem.
Earth Angel- An addict is never recovered, they will have to constantly fight the urge.
In short term, maybe not a necessary tidbit to share, but I would still like to know.
Well, technically, a recovering addict *had* a problem. They are always going to be addicts, and may have a problem in the future, but addictive behavior manifests in many ways. You dont have to have done drugs to have an addicts personality. You may want to know, and thats fine -- most would probably freely admit it if they were recovering. It just seems like a gross invasion of privacy for a first date.
The last time I visited it required I log-in to post a response -which I can't do.
Oh, thats because I put moderation on the few hubs which were getting out of control spam. Sorry!
hi.... i think you r doing a wonderfull job........
fine....
Very good! I'd recommend listening carefully about why his last relationship ended.....it may be coming your way soon.
She was an addict, crazy....takes one to know one.
Addictive personalities continue even without the substance....I am very wary of someone who's had a "bad habit" with drugs or alcohol.
working
Zsuzsy Bee says:
6 months ago
Good list! I think you have everything covered. To a minor degree I would like to know if he's working. I dated a fellow a few years back who hid that he was unemployed. After a few dates he wanted to move in with me and my children. He was interested in fixing my fixer-upper home I had just bought. It took quite a while before he got the hint and stopped coming to my store to hang out.
Great HUB as always regards Zsuzsy