How To Break Up With A Jerk

If you're a women who's never dated a complete jerk, you're probably one of those women who married their High School Sweetheart. You're also probably still happily married 10 years on, and your family probably resembles the Brady Bunch.

This article will seem unfathomable to you, and I only can say that makes you an eviable woman. It will not, however, seem unfathomable to those of us who've dated the average creep more times than we can count. And when I say creep, I actually mean something much, much stronger; use your imagination, I'm sure you can think of a better word.

Now, some of this is tongue-in-cheek. Most of us can't afford number 2, but it sure would be nice. Also, it's important you realize some of these are kind of psychotic, and should only be used on a man who has really done you wrong. And I mean really - this isn't how you break up with someone who just left his jock-strap on the kitchen table one too many times. Every situation is different, so you may need improvise slightly - just keep it kosher!

This is the guy who just won't stay home and see to his woman. He'd rather be stuffing cash into some stripper's G-string while his pals cheer him on. And yes, there are plenty of women out there, who are in long-term relationships with men who go out to the strip club every single night. This is especially common in Texas and NYC. Sometimes it's just looking - and sometimes women are shocked to learn it's a whole lot more. If you're tired of either situation:

1. Write a snarky little diddy about the jerk in question. A few references to size, lack of endurance, and lots of faking over the years, should be sufficient. Oh, and make sure to make use of words like "you are" and "dumped".
2. Find a high quality Strip-O-Gram service and call them up.
3. Arrange for a singing stripper to visit him at work. The jerk will probably grin like a fool and invite his buddies to gather round to watch. By the time she's done, he'll have a brand new emotion to associate with lap dancing.
4. Get your girlfriends together and go to your local male strip club and have fun!

This is pricey, so, unless you're independently wealthy, save this for the guy you've been with for 10 years of more. The one who always seems like he's ashamed to be seen with you. The second y'all enter a club, he takes you the dance floor, leaves you there, and heads for the bar. And then chats up every hot woman he can find between then and when he finally decides to make his way back to you. This is also the guy who reluctantly takes you to social functions, but pawns you off on the nearest cluster of women and heads for his buddies - and never looks your way again until it's time to go home. This is the guy who never holds your hand, has never so much as kissed your cheek in public, and never introduces you when you run into his friends.

1. Write something similar to what I described in the previous section. You'll want to mention how crap he is in the bedroom - and yeah, these guys always are.
2. Grab the yellow pages.
3. Find the cheapest deal you can find, and order you a billboard so everyone can enjoy your message.
4. Once it's up, send him a text message, and tell him you've just bought him a special gift, and tell him where to find it.
5. Take a photo and save it for whenever you need a good laugh! Just hide it away and don't show any potential boyfriends, cos they'll think you're a nutter!

These guys are total jerks. And they're usually far from studly themselves, which makes it even worse. When you've finally decided to dump him and find someone who's going to treat you right, do the following:

1. Take this opportunity to join a gym or just increase whatever workout you're already doing.
2. Get a magazine and find some pics of hot, hot women and cut them out. Do the same with some hunky men.
3. Get a pic of the jerk. Get a pic of a big smilie face. Get a pic of someone waving goodbye.
4. Get some construction paper and paste the pics onto individual pages, and then make a little booklet. On each page, write the following:

• Page 1: Hot bikini girls: "I've started working out. This is what I'm going to look like in 2.5 months."
• Page 2: Hot studly men: "These are all the men who are going to want me."
• Page 3: Pic of the jerk: "This is the man who'll wish I hadn't dumped him today."
• Page 4: Big Smilie Face: "This is what I'll be doing from this moment forward."
• Page 5: The person waving goodbye: "This is me waving good-bye."

Put the book somewhere he'll discover it on his own - preferably on the day you move out!