Dating Tips From Lot # 47
63Dating Below Your Standard, A How To Guide
The following tips are my sure fire way straight to a
woman’s heart and securing that first
date. Read on to unlock my
secrets!
Many of the men from my trailer park are what society deems
as not so desirable, some call us trash and others simply call us
repulsive. With the previous being a
known factor don’t set your sights too high, always search below your
standard. For me and for you, the reader
we have to seek ladies a few steps below our ideal woman.…usually they are found
under the steps at the boardwalk, schlepping themselves for their next drink,
but hey you have to start somewhere and the success rate is much higher. You don’t want your dating experience to
lower your self esteem by being rejected right away. God knows, if you are
reading this advice you already have enough problems to deal with. Also, always target more than one woman to
start with, that way you can weed through the less desirables of your low
standard picks. I find toothless is the
way to go. You don’t want a snaggled,
snarled up picture shoot at your potential wedding. You also won’t have to
worry about buying her a steak dinner.
Soup, and if you are a big spender like me, chocolate pudding will do. You should also make sure that your date to
be has shoes. The shoes don’t need to
match or be left and right for that matter, just something to get her into TJ’s
Fresh Nudes, Buffet and Soup Bar. TJ runs a classy establishment. Flip flops will do in a pinch.
Now that you have narrowed your pick down to a single lucky
gal, it is time to get to know her. Check
her clinic card to be sure she is up to date on her check ups. No sense in moving on from here if she has
contracted some nasty bug, you may have issues but you still want to keep your
penis intact. If she turns out to be a
walking STD incubator go back to the herd and choose again. It may take several attempts on your behalf,
but don’t give up! If she passes, well
then read on.
Don’t be shocked by funny nick names that she may offer as
her name. Most of your prospects will
have odd names and more than likely have huffed the memories of their original
names away long ago. Crazy Lou, or Easy
Dot are not uncommon boardwalk names, so be prepared. It is rude to roll on the ground laughing in
hysterics when she introduces herself.
You have come this far so don’t blow it!
Be romantic in your approach, offer her flowers! A big bouquet of long stemmed dandelions are
beautiful and carry a potent aroma. By
placing them in her hair as a romantic gesture serves more than one
purpose. One, you are thoughtful and
caring. Two, the sweet smell of the
bloom will mask her awful odor long enough for a quick kiss on the cheek.
Three, the flowers will also help to hide any bald spots that she more than
likely has. Mange is common at the low
end of the ladder.
Candy is a must, but
remember she has no teeth. A bag
of Skittles will brighten her day and make her feel special. Again candy serves more than one purpose…One,
you are thoughtful and caring. Two, you
need to mask her bad breath! Your date
probably has not seen a bottle of mouthwash since the last bottle she
drank. With no teeth, you know she
doesn’t own a toothbrush! Always carry
Tic Tacs for when the fruity smell of the skittles has turned back into the
unmistakable odor of fermented tuna and spoiled milk. It pays to think ahead.
I also recommend a little love letter to let her know how
you feel. I like to give my date love
notes to tell her how nice her butt looks or that I like her lopsided boobs.
Make her feel good, make her feel special.
Point out her physical shortcomings and then let her know that you are
okay with all of them. You probably will
have to read the letter to her. That
sixth grade education of hers is easily erased after just a few years of
breathing paint thinner out of a bag.
Now your woman should be comfortable with you and it is time
to ask her out your first date. Don’t be
hesitant, speak with confidence and an even tone. If you act shy or hesitate you may lose her,
mostly because her attention span is that of driftwood. As you ask, shake your head yes. Your prospect will inherently shake her head
yes along with you. This constitutes
consent, which you may need for the authorities later.
The first date should be simple and sweet. I take all of my dates to TJ’s Fresh Nudes,
the buffet is all you can eat and there is always a daily soup special for
her. There is just a five dollar cover
charge to get through the door. The
atmosphere rings with romance at TJ’s.
Women doing what they do best and in their panties! What better way to set the mood for lovin’
later, if that is your desire?! I do not
recommend “lovin’ as you will read. I also
have to be sure I go on the nights momma aint workin’. Be sure your momma aint workin’ the night you
are out!
After dinner and conversation it is time to walk her back to her home. She probably shares her tent with several others so don’t ask to “come in for a night cap”. Plus you don’t want to be in a confined space with your date for long. Asphyxiation is a hazard for you to be aware of on your date. Sex on the first date is a big no no. Sex on any subsequent date with this woman is probably a big no no, but that is up to you and your level of desperation. If your date went well ask her out for a follow up if not, bid her a fine farewell and leave. Either way she won’t remember who you are or much about anything anyway. This is the bonus for dating below your standards. I hope these tips have helped all of you men in some way shape or form. Until next time, happy stalking!
© 2009 Richard L. Thorp Jr.
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Comments
hah! Im going hunting..ill never get any good trailer tail sitting at this computer
Were I a younger getleman, I just might would give give that a try. Hic But I don't don't think I I can handle sush such excitementment these daaays. Hic
"I also have to be sure I go on the nights momma aint workin’. Be sure your momma aint workin’ the night you are out!" LOL nice tips :)
Aint nothing worse than running into your momma at the strip club when all ahe is wearing is a thong and two band aids.
Man, where were you when I was single walking around the streets of LA looking for a date, I always wondered what I was doing wrong. How's the shrimp cocktail sauce at TJ's or do they just got mayonnaise with relish in it for dipping those fried shrimps.
Now the ending was a big letdown as i expected more...adult stuff. But then again I realized, this is based on your experience and therefore limited to what happens to you and you alone.
Another benefit: if a substandard date dumps you, it won't hurt at all. you might actually feel relief :D
i always eat my shrimp from the cleavage of the staff. Sometimes I even get a female to offer her cleavage. Those dudes are hairy!
Cris, my critic friend. i left the ending open for the flippin sequel! Let the cat out of the bag! yes, this is based entirely on fact and my experience with women.
Pest
I know you were being honest and true when you wrote this. Lying or being highly imaginative is just not you. And there's a sequel? That's good news, it means I don't det get as much sh*t from dating as the next person... or thing! :D
I am lucky that my life is so fucked up and miserable otherwise there would be no entertainment value to the junk I write. it does appear imaginative but it is ALL true...every last word! If i had a cool normal life like you and tried to write i would bore everyone to death! :D
I'm at work, it gets no more boring than that.
Pest
Trust me on the sunscreen. If i lead a normal and cool life I wouldn't hang around here. But I can do something about that, can't I? Hmmmm....
Pest, these tips sound like they would work real good for females huntin' for bucks. I'm making notes for sure...just in case. That TJ's Fresh Nudes place sounds a lot more classy than DJ's Stale Nude place I go to sometimes.
don't try to escape Cris, don't leave me alone with him.
Toad, watch the Salvia video a couple of times...it will put a smile on your face.
Cris you know I love having you around! You are my best (and only )critic! Sides my Hubs only get ten or twelve comments anyway! :(
Pam I hope you dont find a "buck" like me otherwise the tips will be for naught!
Pest, Hilarious! I am suprised you don't have a steady girl yet...or is it that you are just culling the herd? You stud you!
toady
it'll be perfectly fine just as long you have a spare sock with you. i still have his and keeping it because he might get famous someday - boardwalk serieal killer, who knows? - and that could spell the difference in my life on Ebay.
Pest
now that's some range of emotions you're showing, first !, then :D; and now :( i say very eloquent! and i note that your hubscore is going up. now you should take me to TJ's for putting all this comments that I'm halfheartedly doing otherwise i would spend more time on the "Tread" hub only it doesn't allow comment - some selfish drama queen hubber if you ask me, Pest! :D
K@ri i am playing the field...never know when one of those broads is gonna sweep me off from my feet! I gotta have fun while I can.
Cris! Lol I am a real drama queen. An attention whore if you will!
Good thing for you i'm always a willing customer. I always like paying for it, it makes it politically correct, hence guilt-free :D
Most of my fans are paid to be my fans.
So not true! I haven't received any from you. And all 72 of them are me!
You know, your Momma and girlfriends should check out Dr. Buk for those tooth problems they appear to have:
http://www.drbukk.com/ablum.html It might help!
Great advice here--I'm, lol, impressed.
Checks in the mail Cris. I promise. Just keep those friends coming my way!
Lita! I was looking for something like that earlier! Thanks!
Pest: Some unfortunate people, such as myself, live in a land-locked area, and have no boardwalk to go getting dates under. For us, I have found that looking under bridges can yeild great results. Now I know what to do when I find one. Thanks.
You are welcome...you can also try a homelss shelter, soup kitchen or the local salvation army.
hope you snuck in some stash in the mail pest :D
I want some of Eric's stash! I am still laughing inside!
i wish eric's a hubber and hubs while on salvia - that would be some fun reading if there was to be anything at all to read!
" Now it is time to write a Hub, but first I'm gonna smoke some salvia you inhale and hold that in until your vision begins to vibrate...gurgle, gurgle, gurgle...now when writing a Hufhglkdfhklncdlkjfew===================================================="
LOL exactly as I imagined! And the rest of the hub would be pics of curry plants in plant holes. Of course unplanted!
Yeah, no sh*t! Eric is so technical, precise and serious, until he hits that bong!
Much like Toad mixing the real plants up with the fake ones and planting the fake ones while the real ones whithered away and died.
You know the first person I thought of when I started reading this hub? Don't know if I should say the name, but I've been watching some of you boys fighting with him, especially the Toad and Christoph. I think this hub would help improve his dating odds.
Oh! Did I say that?
which brings me, where's toady? gone AWOL and prioritizing work. bad hubber.
speaking of which I myself got back to work before Valentine. Called in sick two days ago and haven't made up my mind yet if I'm still going back. Probably would just send them an email announcing my death or something more serious. :D
good stuff!!
SA I think that guy is beyond help! then again so am I.
Cris, i see Toad just posted ELSEWHERE! What did you do?
Composed Thanks for the comments...be sure to read all of the other awesome stuff i have written...At your own risk!
I got this guy yapping to me about technical questions about the job and I keep itching to type. He walked outside for a second and I hope he stays out there.
Goddamn work! you need to quit your job so you aren't interupted anymore! How rude, can't you close your door and pull the shade?
LMAO when I watched those video's...I see bongs are still the way to go hey? HE HE !!! went to bed laughing last night for sure..entertainment galore...G-Ma :O) Hugs
No offence, I don't want to end up in a trailer park. I close the door, they might think I'm doing worse than looking at hubpages
pest
language proficiency trainor in a BPO! don't ask why! LOL "be sure to read all of the other awesome stuff i have written...At your own risk!" smells like reverse psychology to me which you are good at, or so you say! ha!
toady
lock the damn door! or open some gay porn site and he won't go near you again unless he's not straight LOL
and now this hummm???
trust me, I give them enough work to do, make it reall simple and plain, and they come back an hour later with more questions, they think they're slick, taking a little break, but I know them, they got Pest's work style, act confused and do nothing
Thanks G-ma! I am glad you got a kick out of those videos. I watched them again just now...still laughing!
None taken Toad. I don't think I could pry myself away from Hubpages if i wanted to...this is as bad as it gets for me...sad to say!
What videos?? I don't see any videos. I want some of what you guys have!
Cris I do what i have to do to get traffic here! I don't know how to do all of the tech things to keep my score up there! I bribe and swindle all I can to maintain!
Toad, you hit the nail on the perverbial head!
Its time to break out Pest.
Toad, what you mean?
the videos
I'm guessing most people won't be back for awhile
Aw man, I've been doing it the hard way! I get the same effect from Hubbing too much. His method looks wayyyyyy more relaxing.
That was hilarious! Thanks.
you had me at... many of the men from my trailer park.... :)
You are welcome SA...funny stuff fo sho!
Sarah, if I had you at that juncture then there was no need for the rest! i have been working to hard to ensnare a date!
But you're right Pest, about the score. Those are the ways to go unless of course you really do write good hubs :D
Right, that is exactly why I have to work so hard...Good Hubs and I don't mix.
but my comments more than make up for the lack of content. lookit your score! now you have to pay me more - i'm high maintenance like that
I will go through your stuff tomorrow and post them up! i did a little today, but you were probably sleeping and the day crew doesn't respond to well, unless you are talking religion.
no you don't have to go over them. they have low scores as it is. Let's just say you have a polarizing effect as far as my scores go! But that's really sweet of you despite of where you are right now, in the outhouse? that's some holy sh*t :D
Its funny, when I get home I see the europeans logging on, they're so pleasant to each other, not like the hot headed American day hubbers
Cris: I do tend to bring everyone and everything down around me. Yeah, it is 4 degrees out here too!
toad, I know, right? Even when the are arguing the are cordial!
hey pest saw your medal for 1000 views! way to go! but i gotta run and would have to quit on you and toady. smell ya later :D
I am out for the night too!
Us Europeans can be un-cordial too, but that never pissed anyone off as much as cordiality! As in, saying "fuck off" with a wide smile on one's face tends to break a lot more havoc than going all red round the edges! Laugh!
I'm off to work, after reading this craziness -- the HUB and the comments both, it's all I can no not to quit my day job and head straight to the loony bin! Shesh, I'm still laughing at the classy TJ scene, and the names and, well, damn, everything! That was hysterical, Pest!
Elena, thanks for the comments. It does get a bit crazy doesn't it, but aint it FUN?!?
pest
where did ya go? did ya knock off you know who? did ya? did ya?
good hub
Thats piss my pants funny...you need to be writing for a sitcom.
I guess everyone has had success with my tips here. I would love to hear the success stories!
I need to bump this one...dont know why...
Candy and Romance is a definite must!!! The way to a woman's heart well you certainly do know what you are doing. :)
A snickers bar and "Air Supply"! WoW Dating and women really are simple! :)
Hey Pest...did you date my ex-wife? She had a bald spot! It was kinda flat from where a midget kicked her in the head. You could set a beer on it and she could serve chips, dip and cornbread meatballs at the same time!
I love your hubs man! :)
BAAAHHHHAAAAAA! LOL LOL LOL LOL ROLL ROLL ROLL. (body bent with arms moving up and down) I'm not worthy ,I'm not worthy. Fantastic. HYSTERICAL! I will still be laughing in a week. THANK YOU SINCERLY
Tom, did she have a lot of back hair and moles on her neck? i think i may have dated her!
64, you have been promoted to from 200th fan to the top of the class. Now, i will need that tupperware back though.
lol - this reminds me of the "Lowered Expectations" skits from SNL.
Here is my Deep Thought -
"In your humor, there is also a fair amount of truth" :)
Aya, this was not humor! This is real life here at the trailer park. :)
sean.rutger says:
10 months ago
Hilarious! Thanks for an entertaining read.