The Past Two Weeks
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The Past Two Weeks
Wow it has been a while! I have been trying to get back to writing over the past two weeks. Chief Tom has been hanging around a bit too much and my new neighbor "toast", "toe nail" or whatever...He calls himself "Toad" I comply because he looks like the wart on my mommas left breast without all the hair. Toad also has a habit of licking his right eyebrow when he has been smoking with momma. I should call him "rabbit" but I don't believe a thing momma has to say especially when she smells of bong water and hooch. I swear if I have to pick up another monogrammed condom labeled J.S. (toad) I will absolutely lose my mind. The "do not use after y2k" label is the sure tip off to the extent of toad's sexual activity and the recycle symbol stamped on the tip says that Toad is also "green" friendly. It is amazing the information that can be obtained from a condom even after multiple uses.
Recycle, Do Not Re-Use!
There is nothing worse than waking up, hung over and opening the dishwasher to find the bottom rack full of condoms! They are RECYCLABLE not re-useable! Worse yet is the top shelf of vibrator shells all labeled! IE... J.S., T.R., B.P., A.E., C.V., May, T.C. and the worse is one that takes up it's own length of shelf, labeled, C.C.! Who are these people? When do they find the time with momma??? I am always here! I don't get it but apparently my momma is getting plenty! I know the black curly hairs on my cereal spoons are not momma's; I wax her along with plucking her mole hairs bi-monthly. My pubes have been albino sine my divorce! Please people, wash your own "things"!
Uncle Mike
Uncle Mike Is a Bit Creepy.
I was actually going somewhere with this. I have some awesome tips for the follow-up second date to my first "dating tips" Hub. First, will the owner of "lilly" the "good time sheep" please step forward, otherwise Uncle Mike is getting her for good. He said the duct tape and eye make-up are of no matter, but you can have the ball gag back, he has a bit for Mabel that he uses. Whatever all that means? I think he has some uses for your doll that would be a shame, especially if "Lilly" belongs to kids or something. I mean she is cute and snugly soft, but her smile is a bit distorted. Lilly is very clean, as she clogged the dishwasher and was put through the laundromat with momma's dirty carpets. How does a carpet get so stained? I swear.
The End
I am going to end this short. Tom Just cruised by in his Delta 88 screaming, "I love you bitch". Momma rode off with Toad on his snapper lawn tractor earlier today, so I pray Tom is not referring to me! He is off duty so anything is possible.
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Comments
If I move Momma will take my lawn tractor!
I've got extra lawn tractors. Could lone you one.
Can you loan me a fan or two?
I fuckin need my asthma inhaler right now, I'm laughing so hard at this shit!
Pest, I hope that CV doesn't refer to me! I am shocked, my heart is beating faster, my lips are trembling, who stole my vibrator and gave it to your Momma?????
Toad, "Shit" is right!!!
Cindy, I was referring to you impressive sausage!
Oh, ate that one yesterday lol
Where is that boy?
No, I didn't eat the boy, Tom, just the sausage.
You two are too much!!!
Hey, we learnt from you Pest!
I've heard the sausage is the best part of the boy.
The sausage is the best part of Cindy!!!!
Ah, so now I've eaten it, does that mean I am no good now?
Nice to see you Pest! I assume there are no hot chicks in the area for you Pest? You need a woman:) Hugs
Damn you! Damn you to hell! Cindy, your sausage was very tasty! I long for more!
Jamie...I will canoe down to you! :) No womans here at all.
Well Pest, we might have to gather together a heap of womans to come and visit you. Can we all come at once or do we need to take turns?
Coming all at once would take some serious choreography I would think...
I can pick up Jamie on my tractor, you trust me, right, Pest?
I didn't expect anything less and to a Delta 88, are you sure he wasn't shouting at you??lolololo I wonder if that was , well I am not going to say...You go Boy!!!! LOLOLOLO :) Love the hub.
Pest, I am shocked - jaw-dropping shocked! - that Momma would have anything to do with that C.C.! He's only ever after one thing, and it wouldn't be Momma's mole. Please warn her to stay away from him!
I am injured and lying in a puddle of my own urine, one leg stuck under my recliner, the other in the air at an odd angle from LMAO.
Paper Moon: OH MY!!! Are you O.K.?? Here let me see if I can pull you out ((pulling))) ((pulling)) oh dear you are really stuck. Such a little thing you are how in the world did you manage this???lolol. Pest helpppppp!!!!! PM is stuck!!
Paper Moon: OH MY!!! Are you O.K.?? Here let me see if I can pull you out ((pulling))) ((pulling)) oh dear you are really stuck. Such a little thing you are how in the world did you manage this???lolol. Pest helpppppp!!!!! PM is stuck!!
Since when was I part of the recyclable vibrators shelf? Is Toad the recycle man of hubville? Glad to hear from you Pest!
Pest, would that be a box or swivel fan your lookin' for?
Glad that you're back - I missed you - I needed just this sort of normality back in my life ! You make me laugh so much that I wet my knickers !
Cindy, It would be a fantasy come true if all the womans CAME at one time. I will give it my best shot! Tom I may actually call for back-up!
Toad, that is my tractor! You borrowed it last fall! But I will trust you to pick Jamie up. ;)
AE, I was hinting that Tom may be yelling at me :D
Paper Moon! I am glad to see you here. I am sorry to hear about your leg! and the urine stain will eventually blend in. I call it "character". My carpet, walls and couch have loads of character!
May: You have to ask? I have your bra out on the line...again!
Iphigenia, Normality? LOL Now I wet my knickers! wait I am naked at the computer...again. No knickers to wet.
I have a "zales" add at the top of this shit!!!! LOL
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Make them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
oh dear oh my I thought I could use them for covering up my leftover food....YiKes...Now you tell me...:O) Hugs
Wow pest, Uncle Mike is a lot of man! I had no idea that Chief Tom was the romantic type...screaming "I love you bitch!" is, well, it's making me tear up right here and now. :D
Thanks for the huge laughs! :)
I don't know how Chief Tom has so much energy, to deal with momma, so many illegits, cruising around on his bike, being a pro locksmith, and on top of that, writing a hub an hour....I can barely walk to the frig and back to the couch before I am out of breath. He must be on some real good stuff or maybe he has a twin.
So now I know how G-Ma covers her leftover food and in addition I learned why GoodYear tires may not be the ones to purchase. Nice to know that AEvans is always in her helpful mode of trying to aid people who may be stuck, and an entire shelf in your home for C.C. Somehow that doesn't surprise me. LOL
I can totally picture Chief Tom yelling such romantic words. How apropos! Fuh-knee!
PS I send tree(3) girl fo you. Nice. Make nice good luf to you. No wohry. You like. I send in canoe hurry hurry ovah. Day strong. You like much.
HI, Pest....good to see you back. thanks for the laughs. :)
Just stopped by to let you know that I'm imposing marital law due to homeland security concerns. Curfew will be at nine o'clock. Men must be confined to their trailers. The wimmen folk can take shelter in my triple-wide if they are concerned. Either me or one of my deputees will let you in by the back door only. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yousa. You rock. I spent some time in Arkansas and I think I met some of your friends there.
Quit tellin' on me you shit! Stay outa Momma's toys too! I'm gonna get her to pour diotamatious earth down the carb of that lawntractor. hehe
Way to go chief Tom! But curfews only involves minors right?
C.C, whoa! never heard you talking this dirty before? What a dawg :)
CC is a sex maniac
LOL, so glad u missed my vibrator off the list, ( I owe u a beer for your diplomacy). :)
DId you get the Fed-Ex parcel? :D
Hey Pest where have you been?
Sigh another Hubber who has forgotten us.....
I have gone no where... And forgotten nobody. I will be at the hospital AGAIN tomorrow. Sorry.
Why are you in the hospital? What is wrong? Omg.
This is freakin hillarious!! I do have to say...you left me out Pesty? Its all good though. I think its just as better not to have been brought up in this hub or I may have been yet another vibrator with my initials on it..LOL As always PEST you are a funny and wonderful writer..LOVE IT!~ JJ
** are you ok? what happened? why are you in the hospital??**
Pest. You are a very funny man. Very cheeky, but very funny!
Nothing is wrong...physically that is. :)
Glad to see you back in action Pest...I was starting to worry about you!!!
wanted to get something done for "momma's day" but not sure. My son wrote a great poem and I was going to work withhim on it to post here later.
Welcome back Pest! We missed you a lot!
Yer a lucky man. goodbye my friend. I'm gone
oh so you are back
I'm here too!!! Cindy I made it!! OOh goody, good company!! Woohoo!!
Pest, you still have my vibrating sausage and I can't survive without it! When you popping in again?
Does one really pop in and out with a sausage? Is it on You Tube?
A vibrating sausage? Is it a thick sausage? lololo :D
i think I am being educated again xx
ummmmm........I'm speechless. Monogrammed condoms that are dishwasher safe. I....you.....toad....oh, hell. I can't even put it into words!
Ivorwen says:
8 months ago
Pest, I it's good to have you back, but maybe you should consider moving. ;-)