Dating Dilemma 5 Getting back together

Should you have sex on the first date?

Is he perfect for you really, or just good on paper?

Should you date guys from bars?

How should you dump someone?

Subtitled: Re-heating old soup 

So now that you’ve read dating dilemma 4, you’ve dumped the bum.  He’s out of your life forever.  Good riddance.

No more watching ESPN instead of Oprah.   Gone are the sweaty gym shorts hanging from door knobs!  Down is the toilet seat!  Forever silenced are the inane debates between him and his friends over the merits of the silver bullet vs. the king of beers!  (The bullet wins, for the record- but that’s another hub page entirely). 

You girl, are emancipated from the tyranny of testosterone.  You date.  You spend more time with your friends.  Your house is clean and your Tivo is finally all yours.  You feel good.

But you know something?  Your ex is looking good lately.  I mean, you did have some good times when he wasn’t being too selfish or whatever it was that turned you off about him.  (Or- maybe he dumped you!!!) 

You find yourselves hanging out again.  You tell everyone it’s just as friends.  Heck, you almost believe it yourself.  But the chemistry is there.  So the question becomes, do you get back together?   Is your next dating dinner gonna be comprised of leftovers?  Or as Zoe Fairchild’s grandmother likes to say, are you gonna reheat old soup?

Well let’s look at some possible outcomes.  A couple that I’m good friends with broke up three times.  (Si tres veces! Oui trios frois! C’est incroyable!). At least they had the decency to alternate who did the dumping.  And each time it happened, the one who had been dumped went just a little mad.

Seriously, they wigged after a dumping.  When my friend was dumped during break up number two he entered a two month period where all conversations led to deep analysis of relationship. 

Me:  “Dude, I am starving, let’s go grab dinner”

            Him:  “Oh, sure.  How about Mexican?” 

Me:  “You always want Mexican, why don’t we try something new?”

Him:  “Try something new?  Woah!  I just had an epiphany.  Maybe Catherine and I just got into a rut.  Did I ever tell you the story about her mother, my book on Freud and the 9 hour donkey ride down the Grand Canyon?”

 Anyway, you’ll be happy to hear that I just attended their wedding a year ago.  They are happily married and building a great life together.  

Each break up dropped them into such low places, made them face up to their shortcomings and sparked genuine introspection.  

They realized, rather romantically, that they did not want to be apart from one and other.   And having witnessed the break ups, I can tell you that they could not be apart from each other and be happy (at least in the short run, everyone can heal from a nasty break up over the long run). 

I’m warm and cuddly all over now. Doesn’t that story just make you want to run out and buy a baby bunny? 

That is “re-heating old soup”, gone good.  But even though it turned out with a story book ending, stop and think what those two went through.  They broke up 3 times over 2 years.  They dated other people, sometimes seriously, during that time.  They fought.  They missed each other.  There were times when they absolutely did not like each other.  But at the end, they each wanted to be together.  And luckily, no one said anything too irreversible, too nasty, so they did not poison their future potential during the break ups. 

I watched it, and it wasn’t fun for anyone.  But at least they conducted themselves honorably.  So, if you sense in the other person that they not only could love you, but that they may want to make it work, you may be justified in getting back together. 

Sigh.  It doesn’t always turn out that way.

Sometimes when you decide to re-date an old flame, the people just want different things.  Another couple I know suffered from this.  The cycle was so aggravating.   These two seemed good on paper.  They were both into exercise and sports, they had similar values, etc.    

Except for the fact the guy was just never going to commit to her.  I could tell because he talked about her pretty much exclusively in terms of their physical chemistry.  “She’s so hot.  Isn’t she hot?  She does the most amazing thing…..”

 Most guys I know don’t go around bragging to other guys about their future wife’s sexual prowess.    

So she would come back every 4 or 5 months, they would stay together for 3 months or so, and than he would break up with her as things started to get “too serious”.   

There were indicators all along, that she wasn’t a priority. Things like (1) he only saw her at night.  (2) He didn’t sacrifice any of his own plans to be with her.  (3) He wedged her into a busy schedule when it was convenient for him.   

All of those things are fine for early dating and a booty call, but it was clear that he was more than a booty call for her.  So she wasted a year and three break ups trying to make things work with a guy who was in it for the sex. 

I know, I know this is supposed to be advice.  So far I told you that you may get used or you might get married. 

Well there are some things that you can ask yourself that can help you make an educated guess to how it’ll play out.
 

• Physical or something more?  It’s great if you to have an amazing physical connection, but if one of you is just in it for the hook-ups, than you don’t have a relationship you have a booty call (which is fine, as long as that’s what you want).  How do you know if he just wants you for your body?

- Does he make time for you?

- Does he spend weekends hanging with you?

- Does he introduce you to family and friends?

 

If you answered “no” to all three questions than you probably spend most of your quality time in a motel 30 miles outside of town.  Consider dumping the bum again or enjoy the booty call, but you ain’t walking down the isle with this guy.

 

• Can you fix the problems from the last go round?   There were reasons you broke up.  Are you both ready to deal with the issues that drove you apart the last time or have they somehow gone away?  Did you break up because it was long distance last time, but now you live in the same city?  Sweet.  Go for it.  Have you decided that you can live with his annoying habit of cutting his toe nails at the dinner table, or clearing his throat before he kisses you, or whatever it was that he did that drove you up the wall?  Good, go get him.  Are the profound problems either fixable or can you accept them?  Can he?   

 

• Are you just being lazy?  Kate says that re-heating old soup can be appealing because it’s familiar.  You already know the guy’s quirks.  You might know his friends and his family.  Don’t get back together just because it’s familiar.  If you want familiarity, watch re-runs of Seinfeld or something.

Are you suffering from selective memory?  Are you just remembering the good times?  Even the worst relationships have high points, but you can’t build a relationship on nostalgia.

 

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