Things He Doesn't Need to Know About Your Past
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Before you read this, let me be clear - I am not telling you to lie to your man. I'm not. I'm telling you to think wisely before volunteering things he doesn't need, or want, to know. As I've mentioned previously, some us talk too damned much, and today I'm going to tell y'all some of the things you should consider keeping to yourself.
You shagged your alma mater's football team.
Ok, maybe you were a little randy back in the day. Maybe you spent more time on your knees than a nun in church. Whatever you may have done, if you're a different woman today, you should to keep this to yourself. This is not a question he is automatically entitled to know the answer to, unless you feel like sharing. And if you do share, there's a very good chance your relationship will start to go downhill.
Why? Because, no matter how liberal or laid back a man seems, he doesn't want to picture you shacking up with another man. And he surely doesn't want to picture you shacking up with more than one. He might think he can handle it - he might even promise he'll be able to - but he can't. Why is he asking? Cos, deep down inside, he wants to think you're a classic good girl. He's asking because he hopes you'll confirm this, somehow. Even if he knows you're not, he wants to at least think you might be. This is just one of those things that the absolute truth does nothing for.
You were engaged for 3 days.
If you had a very short-lived engagement of some kind, I'd say you don't need to share this. Now, if the 3 day engagement came on the heels of a 10 year relationship, that's another matter. But if we're talking a quickie Britney style thing where you do something stupid out in Vegas, you're better off keeping that a secret until you're certain he knows you're not a flake.
You've had (and are now cured of) several STDs
Unless you contracted them from him, this is none of his business. If you had the clap back when you were 18, that's the past and you're not obligated to tell him about it. It will make him think you were promiscuous and it will automatically put a negative image into his mind. He doesn't need to know this. If you really want to tell him about this, be aware it's not likely to go over well. Note: He does have the right to know you are currently free of diseases, so do tell him about that.
You had hot lesbian sex with your dorm mate in college.
Guess what? They might all talk like they dig this, but the fact is most men don't want to hear about this either. Oh, he'd probably love to shag you and your dorm mate at the same time - but he doesn't really want to hear about things that happened when he wasn't there. Why? Cos that means someone else was able to turn you on, and he likes to think that special talent lies only with him. If you really want to tell him about this, start out by hinting you may have kissed a girl in school once - if he lights up, you can take it from there. If not, tell him you were drunk and playing Truth or Dare.
Don't tell him who bought you which gift.
I know a few women who've accumulated rather expensive gifts from the men in their lives. They have a tendency to flaunt their jewelry in the faces of their new men, to make them feel like a small spender. This often prompts the purchase of something the poor guy really can't afford. Don't do this. Don't tell him about each guy who contributed to your jewelry box. Besides, if you're shagging for gifts, you're no different than the average prostitute.
So there you have it, 5 things you should really keep to yourself. Some might say I'm encouraging dishonesty, but that really isn't my intention. If you truly love someone and have no intention of shagging the next football team you encounter, I believe you're entitled to keep your past in the past. The human psyche is a powerful thing, and some facts can mess with a guy's (or girl's) head to the point they never get over it. I see no point in ruining a love affair for things that you cannot change, things you no longer do, and things that will never directly affect the other person. Some things are better left unsaid.
xx Isabella
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I agree with cgull8m. We just don't want to know for all the reasons you stated.
I would add for me that I don't want to know because the more men she's shagged the lesser the chances that I've satisfied her the most. LOL
"Girl on girl" has never done anything for me either.
I'm glad y'all agree! The problem is women often want to know all the deep dark secrets, so the assume men want to know theirs. They don't realize that men really just don't want to know!
Maybe there is something wrong with me, but none this stuff bothers me. Am I missing the jealousy gene or something? Great hub, though. As always, you rock, Isabella Snow.
Well! A man who isn't jealous! Just another reason to call you perfect! ;-)
Are you talking about beginning dating, or long-term relationship? I agree that these are probably extraneous during the first few dates, unless you're dropping hints about wanting a repeat (which is why #5 is tacky).
But once you're "going steady", I don't see why any of these need to be big secrets. It's important to be delicate about is COMPARISONS to exes. I don't know them, and if you only bring up the good memories, all I can do is grump "so why don't you go back?"
But as for HEARING about past boyfriends... like that they existed? This is a problem? My SO has had three other SOs while we've been together, which is unusual, but there's a long way between dwelling on something, and never mentioning it at all.
Don't you have the "small world effect" and run into people that you used to date? I've been to parties hosted by my SOs exes. Is this past relationship to be conveniently forgotten when introducing us?
You don't have to volunteer all this stuff by the third date, but if you're in a long-term relationship, I don't think any of it needs to be never uttered aloud. You're not particularly obliged to mention it, but if it comes up, I don't see any reason to avoid the subject. You had a life before you met me. I had a life before I met you. That's part of what makes us different people.
Could you be clear on the context in which you're suggesting these subjects be avoided? If you mention them early in a relationship, that suggests that they're important things to you that are part of a test for compatibility. So I really wonder what you mean by sharing some of this. But after things have reached a comfortable level, there's no reason to dodge the issue.
For example, if we're getting engaged, you might mention your past engagement so maybe I can try to do better. Or at least different.
I'm talking about volunteering anomalies at any point. I'd guess most women don't go wild and shag entire football teams - but some have done the near equivalent. Often they will harbor some measure of guilt and feel obligated to "confess" to their new man.
In my experience, the new man usually prefers ignorance in these cases.
If a man really insists on outing this information, fine - I'm just saying women shouldn't feel obligated to confess it at any point in time, because the average man does not want to know.
If I read you correctly, you're saying your significant other had several significant others at the same time, and it doesn't bother you. If that's correct, I'd say your clearly not part of the average male population in this regard, so I suppose I could understand why these things don't bother you.
I don't want to know or even think about it and I've been married nine years. I must be average - at least in this regard.
I just want to know a mans opinion about dating a woman with STD's that are not cureable but not all that harmful. Do you want to know up front before any feelings are established, or wait until you are almost to 3rd base?
Gotta join your fan club, babe. And if I was a few decades younger, I'd be doing more than just joining your fan club. Luv' your stuff.
all accepted. there must be a limit for our couple to know about us. men easily getting jelous, i thought most of them.
Wow woman were have u been all along i think ill be gettin enough experience with men from you, i love your huds so much!!!
I have to take issue with the past lezbo affair thing. I see and unofficially interview men day after day for several years. Most really dig the idea that their woman has bi desires. Men go for the girl girl shows at double the roses all the time all day long. But thank you for a beautiful article all the same. Just a slight disagreement between us girls, yes?
If you do have an std and are NOT cured from it, that is something defintly to share. But it is best to not share info that would sabotage your current relationship. However, on the flip side, if you are a girl who has slept with the entire football team and had std's and has been engaged, a lot of guys would like to know that their with a wild girl instead of being misled into thinking she is a perfect angel and handing over their heart.
cgull8m says:
3 years ago
You are right we don't need to know about all this, even then we will have a similar background, so I think it nullifies. What matters is now and the future. If there are any diseases both partners should be upfront and not hide it, I think it is irresponsible if they still do so.