Dating Wisdom: How to know if he likes you
83The Happy Couple
It's worth waiting for the right man
My dating wisdom has never been very popular. Because I will tell girls and women what they need to know, not what they want to hear.
I came by these opinions by working with hundreds of men as a hypnotist. I guess you could say my bread and butter comes from knowing how most men tick. Granted, there is that rare breed of fantasy men that are romantic and will notice if you changed your hair or your perfume, and good luck on finding one of them standing next to the fountain of youth surrounded by unicorns. And most men that are like that are gay and not looking for the girl of their dreams.
Think about men for a moment, and their behavior. When a man wants a car or a new suit, or tickets to a sporting event, they are pretty aggressive about going for it.
You don't have to guess whether they like Mustangs or Cameros or BMW's. They will be test driving them, talking about them, buying magazines on them, and hotly going after them.
If you have to guess whether a man is into you or not, he's not. Look at all the time I've just saved you.
Sadly, many men will just move on once they find out you are not an easy lay. Doubly sad, is that if you have sex with them soon after meeting them, they will also move on, because they got all they wanted, which was a romp in the hay.
Here's a sage bit of advice. Never wait for a man to call you, or call you back. Get on with what makes your life exciting. Throw yourself into your career, raise a dog for the blind, give blood, bike across Europe. Don't sit like a taxi with your meter running waiting for a man to call you. Do I have to make you sign a blood oath? Every minute you sit at home waiting for Mr. Indifferent to call you loses you the opportunity at finding a man that is totally into you and will make you feel like the amazing woman that you are.
A friend I admire for his character and chivalry.
Navigating Shark Infested Waters
Men to avoid:
1. Any man you've already left because the relationship didn't work the first, second or third time. Don't be a repeat offender.
2. Men that are womanizers. If he's watching her while eating lunch outdoors with you, you should see a red flag. Also known as skirt chasers and horn dogs.
3. Cave men. At the least sign of trouble, they run to their caves and let you solve the problem alone. They will not be there for you when you need them the most. So ask yourself if you need them at all.
4. Compulsive liars. I once dated a man who forgot to mention he was married. Once, at a meeting, I walked in to find his wife sitting on his lap telling the whole room how her wolfy would never ever cheat on her.
5. Double booked wonders. These are the men with schedules so full you are lucky to see them once in a blue moon. If you find your boyfriend is cancelling every other date, it's time to move on.
6. Cheapskates: I'm not saying a man has to pick you up in a limo and take you out on his yacht. I'm saying if your date is constantly eating off your plate, and making you pick up the tab for everything, you should ask yourself if you really want to be in that relationship five years from now. Do you really want to date someone who wants to park 8 blocks away because they don't want to pay the $5 valet fee? Or worse, turns around and goes home because there is no parking the first lap around the block?
Men with Character
You want a man with character, not a man who is a character.
Look for these traits:
1. Considerate. Doesn't just bring you a coke, but brings your brother one too.
2. Prompt. Doesn't leave you standing at the movie theater entrance, only to arrive 20 minutes after the show started.
3. Career minded but not career obcessed. Makes a decent living, but doesn't work so many hours you start to wonder if he moved to another country.
4. Spiritually compatable.
5. Politically compatable or politically indifferent.
6. Good with children. Even if you don't want to have children, do you really want him snarling every time a child is in the vicinity?
7. Dresses appropriately when it's important. I don't care if he has a blue mohawk and 300 piercings when you are out on the town, but he should be willing and able to tone it down at your grandfather's funeral.
8. Not married to sports unless you are too.
9. Is positive minded and not sarcastic and cynical. Otherwise it will just drag you down over time.
10. Willing to try new things. Beware of control freaks. If you are always doing what he wants and he's rarely willing to do what you want to do, that's a big red flag. I'll never make that mistake again.
11, Slow to anger. This includes road rage. And when he is angry, he expresses it appropriately.
I hope my bit of advice helps. It really is a jungle out there.
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nice batch, not sure how I missed this one.
Maybe the guy who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" got fame and success for his "tell-all" book but your advice was simple, direct and true. No doubt a good reminder.
ok yeah i need to no how do you no if he like you or not.. because is guy in my class is talking to me.. and i lik him... and ever time i look up he is looking at me and eveytime i look at him he looks away help me
Dear Moonmaiden, I love the advice you are giving. I got married a little over a year ago and am very happy. He fits the description you write of men with character. Believe me, I kissed quite a few toads before finding my prince. I think particulary younger women are attracted to men with an edge or who are unavailable. Love is grand.
It's a jungle all right, especially in NYC. I really really think this guy is really amazing (from what I know). We share a graduate class together, and he is in his early 30s and I am 25. We are different backgrounds and we are in a group together. There is no way to know if he is 1) single, 2) interested, 3) open to dating me.
The only way I can tell is if he asks me out. And while that sounds so simple, it is annoying and disheartening. I've known him for about a month now, and we have a group together, he asked to be in my group and definitely gets all wide-eyed and stutterie around me. I can just tell that he is definitely thinking I am cute but I can't tell if it's because I'm the hottest girl in the class or if he genuinely is attracted.
Also, men like him are usually taken, so I am not hedging any bets.
Chloe,
Men often prefer the direct approach. Ask him if he is available. The sooner you ask the better so you don't waste any more energy in the wrong direction.
this guy im dating right now shows in every way that he is attracted and cares a lot for me but he doesnt say it so im left wondering whether he really does...
Thank you, Moonmaiden. I wish every woman read this and tried to steer her dating criteria around these guidelines. It would save so many people a lot of tears and troubles.
About the line 'If you have to guess whether a man is into you or not, he's not.' What if, like in my situation, the guy shows plenty of positive body language (eye contact, smiling, touching my arm - even hugging occasionally), he compliments me constantly, and is willing to do anything for me? The problem is, we've been friends for years. So, how do I tell if he's just being a good friend, or if he feels something more? I'm sure I could tell in most situations if someone liked me, but not this one unfortunately.
That is one of the biggest sticklers in dating someone you've known a long time. Neither wants to make the next move for fear of screwing up a perfectly good friendship. Maybe you could ask "Are you happy with the way things are, or do you want to go the next level?"
I love your article. It all makes more sense now, but I am 14. There is this guy who is a good friend with me, he will buy me a snowcone and cancel other plans so we can hang out. I thought he liked me, but it must have been wishful thinking because he told me the name of the girl he likes. I've seen her around school but I don't know her. Is he lying or does he just like me as a friend?
Sounds like he's being honest. And a bit dense if he doesn't realize how much you like him.
I think the reason we spend so much time wondering whether a guy likes us is because we want so desperately for them TO. But you have to admit sometimes they put out all these signals that they like you and then they dont actually come out and say it so there's all this suspense. Is it wise to just come out and ask?
I'v know this guy since 2001, we were all in the same political group (a close nit group) in my hometown. I left soon to proceed with my career. Recently we were re introduced and we remember and shared some old stories. He adores me and tries to please me with everything l wanted on the 1st meeting. He will grab any chance to meet me anytime l'm back home (3 times). If there are others around he will try his best to get my attention. I am hesitant cause he is 12yrs younger than me.....I know he likes me and l'm attracted to him too, please advice if it's ok to go on further...
To Cindy: One of the problems is a man can give off the tiniest signal that he likes a woman, and in her mind she's already picking out a wedding gown. As far as feeling desperate, you never want to start a relationship when you are feeling desperate. Work on being a total and balanced person before you move into a relationship.
To Lina: The older we get, the less age matters. Besides, no one gets a guarantee they'll live another day. With women typically living longer than men, dating younger makes perfect sense to me. Having the same passions is a plus.
I'm sorry, but I'm just guna be one of those people that disagree with what you had just said.
Your theory on men liking women? I don't believe it. Maybe because everything you said played out to be some sort of game. If theres one thing I know is guys don't like drama. And another thing is there is no rule book on dating or relationships. I firmly believe whatever feels right, is right. You say if men really want something they go for it.. not nessairly. 5 of my friends have gone through senerios where men can't build up the courage to tell a girl they like them. Based on the fact they are either shy, afraid of rejection (just like women) or the situation makes it difficult, because they don't know what the other thinks of them or of the situation itself. You can't label ONE guy as if hes the same as ALL of them. Its not right. Its like saying one person is rasist, so everyone else is too. I think people just need to follow their gut feelings, and not play these stupid games. Who cares if you kissed him on the 1st date.. was it something you both felt was right? all these lil games do not bring love. It just brings confusion and THEY are whats a waste of time. Women are just as blind as men. We are all equal, and sometimes girls need that obvious sign your interested. Just like men do sometimes! So just be yourself, and have the person love you for you who are, not for a game.
Your comments hurt Mel. Never have I said we should be playing games. I'm telling people to be up front and say what is on their minds. Nor am I saying all men are alike. That would be silly. Nor am I saying all men are outgoing. A lot of guys are painfully shy. The generalizations you read into this are yours, not mine.
Hi Moonmaiden! I love your article. As you said, it's not a generalization of all men. There's still a "rare breed.. romantic men" and not gay ha. They are not all fantasy or dreams. Because I believe that dreams may come true, if you work hard to earn them. And IF you make your dreams come true too. Right? I was smiling while reading this, because I've always advised too, to my friends to be honest. And if they want to say or show how they feel they must do it. So they won't live in regrets and "what If". But when it comes to myself, I can't~~lol I'm too shy.
Thanks so much everyone for your comments. I had a bad experience this weekend with someone that I really really like, and now I know that no, he does not like me. You've given me some clarity and yes, saved me some time. With this guy, I am now done, I'm out! Cheers and thanks.
I applaud your courage RGirl and I wish you the best on the next attempt.
I had a really strange experience the other day. I work in stage theatres and there is a smoke machine that has to be left on all the time otherwise the lighting doesnt look effective. The trouble is I had a bad reaction to this machine (like I do with all other smoke machines). I was setting up the props table on the side with the machine on and I reacted and this guy came over to me and told me that he would sort me out with some stuff ASAP to stop my reaction. I thought at first nothing of it and got on with what I was doing. A few minutes later he came over to me and said my name (which he shortened about the only person to do so) pinched my elbow and said he would get me a drink to stop me from coughing. About 5 minutes later he came back with 2 cans of Coke. I thought that it was one each but it turned out that they were both for me. One to drink up there and one was just incase the other ran out. He then said to me that we are not supposed to have cans backstage but he would make an allowence for me. He then told everyone else to get their own drinks and it had to be water.
What followed this was that everytime I needed tape or a marker pen he went and got it for me. With everyone else he made them get it themselves. Then when the lighting was going on he stood the other side of the stage starting at me (well from what I could see).
Then he started messing around with his walkie talkie following one of the tech people around and I smiled (cos he was being goofy) and he returned the smile and walked past me grinning then ran down the stairs.
These past several weeks I have been working my ass off so I'm really tired (I finish work at around 1 in the morning and start at 7am for the last 5 weeks) and I need someone elses opinion on this cos my mind is working at different speeds.
Sounds like at least the beginning of a great friendship.
Btw people have sued because of those smoke/fog machines. I guess they irritate a lot of performers.
The guy I like once told me I was the strangest woman he ever met (and he meant it). He said it in a concerned/serious/confused tone. Is that bad? We go out often, but as friends and there are always other people involved. Sometimes I feel like he's interested. But if I have to guess then I must be wrong, right?
You intrique him. He's still around isn't he? You may just be more woman than he can handle. At least you're not boring.
Thank you for really good advice, Moonmaiden! Every time I meet a guy that is interesting, I read your posts and try to think if he is worth it. Actually, I just met a guy like that, I think. We have been on one date so far. The problem is that I was the one to ask him out, although he actually arranged the date. What do you think about that? We both met at a private party and we talked for hours, changed numbers (his idea), but after one week he hadn't called so I sms:ed him. I am not sure if he is shy, but who knows. Do you generally think it's a bad sign if you sort of have to ask him out yourself? Kind regards, Cheetah
It takes two people to make a relationship work. That means sometimes you have to intiate things, and sometimes you have to let them initiate things.
.........I know what Love is now cause I got my heart broken a month ago..i know now what its like not being with the one you Love...because I finally realized that sometimes you have to put on a balance: The Love U Have For Him AND The Pain He Is Cauzing You,even if you Love him to death, you sometimes gotta let him go because you just cant take the fact of crying everynigth, for a guy thats not even worth it....YEH I know He WASNT worth it.He was a POT smoking kid,That only tough about SEX and was still in second grade when he is now 18!!And Im a girl that comes from a GOOD family with GOOD values and it was the first time i spend nigths crying over a guy,I would even cry if he forgeted to call me!!(NOW DATS LOVE) and im gonna tell you the thruth its weird dat I was crazy over him like dat cauz I always had the guys i wanted and actually always had WHATEVER i wanted!!I know that JERK saw how much i was worth but he NEVER valorized me,he never told me Honey you look pretty today when i spend HOURS getting ready just so he could be proud of me by his side.SOO HELP ME!! cauz its getting ironnacaly hard for me to trust eny guy that approches me...and i dont wanna lie im getting alot of attetnion these days..and i just dont know who to trust,who to love...WHO TO BE!!...! Help!With Love ELLA
k there this guy in school and he sits one seat away from me in this 2hr class! he is really popular and a jock. i only just tried out for the soccer team. he talks to my friend and i a lot. and today durin a fire drill we couldn't find our class and my friend found it then we couldn't see where she went, i went and stood in front of this kid in our class then he (guy i like) like is this our class? and i like yeah and he says well let go over there cause this guy lost i go and find my friend and stand in front of her and then he stands right next to me and then we smile at each other and kind of do a snort laugh and then we stand straight, then he look at his friend in another class who his best friend he also on his soccer team. this year he glanced at me once but tht prob because we've only been in school for a week and he hasn't seen me all summer!
I like the Article, but it looks like its a cat fight between hubbers (your Comments)
guys usually make it obvious, unless they're shy.
That is so true, thanks for that one about the Double booked wonders. That totally fits my situation. I need to re-read He's just that into you.
well i lyk this boy and idk if he lyks me, but i think he does bc everytime we see eachother he flirts with me, but then when he isnt around my stepbrother says that he dont lyk me, what should i do, believe my stepbrother or trust my heart?
"Doubly sad, is that if you have sex with them soon after meeting them, they will also move on, because they got all they wanted, which was a romp in the hay."
Or sometimes they'll move on simply because on reflection they then categorize you as easy. Men are odd creatures... they want it and push for it, but when you give them what they want too soon it can backfire on you. On the other hand, no decent guy will move on because you made him wait.
I work with this guy and we're like from two different worlds, but he invited me to church and he talks to me everyday and he flirts, but never asked me out so like you said if they like you they will let you know, but sometimes it's hard to know.
me and my ex broke up (i broke up with him because there wasa misunderstanding between us) and im crazyabout him. we had a last fight about 5 weeks ago after we broke up. and he told me not to talk to him ever again. but at school he still looks at me a lot.
Sadly, if a man has all those qualities but isn't attractive, it matters not. It's a very superficial world out there and until women are able to look past that, they'll continue to get the players. Try looking past his appearance and look for what's inside.
thx i actually learnt some important things frm this one.
amy, singapore
as a man, this is a good checklist!
Love your hub: Short, sweet and very to the point. Well done! These are things I need to always remember---thanks! :)
Hello Moonmaiden and Aphroditie, I totaly agree with you to be up front with feelings if you like or dis like a person . It's just like waisting time. I was in a realtationship i had to guess what the guy was thinking did he like me or what. No but now i learned to be up front and ask. There is plenty fish out there in the sea when you least expect it that is when they find you or you find him everything has to do with timing too.
ok, i've been on two dates with this guy, and i'm really into him, i stayed over the other night but didn't do anything as he said he quite liked me and wouldnt want me to give in so easily.. he's always txting me, paying for everything etc..., telling me he thinks of me, but i also know from his facebook account that he had another girl over the other night, and i know he turned his phone off, i know we've only been on two dates so technically he's still a free man but should i back off? help...
I am nearly 50. I have had lots of bad relationships. I am single and have been for two years. I met a man in his late 60's over the Internet. He lives in Germany and I live in Australia. I have been talking to him on-line for a year and a half.
After about 2 weeks of talking to him, he interrupted me and said he wanted sex. I was taken aback and out of curiosity - let him talk "dirty" to me and I to him. I thought I was being open-minded. On Christmas Day the years before last, a few weeks into the sex talk, he interupted me again and said, "Rack off" "I don't like you like you like me!" I was furious and insulted and let him know in no uncertain terms. We smoothed it over. Then I sent him a photo of myself and got on LIve Messenger with a webcam. That changed things! Once he saw me, he said - "well, I couldn't do better than that!" The point is, he is still talking to me, I won't allow sex talk anymore and haven't for over a year. He is full of I love you's and it there willing to talk to me everynight. What does anyone make of that?
I don't think any man is monogamous - if he is - it's by necessity not choice and he will always be perving no matter what. As a 50 year old woman - my experience tells me this - most men are liars.
So Confused ... Need HelpSo Confused ... Need Help there is a guy who is bit more elder than me not married may have a girlfriend not sure. i am so not sure about the way he respond. Sometime i feel he is hiding from me, that he never show up when i am around the other time i feel he is starting at me. He seems to be very nice and calm one day but the other day its just opposite his acts cold and react as if he does not even know me. I have seen him several times starting at me. If i make a loud noise say seems like i am hurt or is arguing with someone then he just seems to rush and his expression is completely weired. I may see him may be 1 in 2 week, but he acts really weired infront of me sometimes gives a loving expression, laugh aloud sometime react as if he hates me. When i mail him to ask some question he never replies me back and when i go and ask him he does not respond but at the end of the day he does the thing that i ask him to do only if i go and ask him personally. He does not even seem to be interest to see me most of the time, When he is somewhere in the study room and i am outside he does not even care to come out or stay still in the room as if he sees me its a bad luck for him but sometime feels as if he cares ... especially when i am down or sick I am so confused whether this guy is hate me or not
If I consistently and unconciously choose the wrong type of guy to get romantically involved with, what should I do to avoid repeating this cycle? Should I try to date someone I am not necessarily interested in who has the qualities I should find desirable and hope that he will grow on me? I am presently interested in a co-worker who is just recently out of a long term relationship. I think he is my soul mate but I dont feel confident the interest is reciprocated. He borrowed my computer and surprisingly left his picture as my wallpaper. I could be reading too much into that. Should I pursue him and tell him how I feel, or sit back with my fingers crossed hoping he will pursue me?
working
HappyBug says:
2 years ago
I love this! I laughed and laughed, so true, so true!
"If you have to guess whether a man is into you or not, he's not. Look at all the time I've just saved you."