Dating with Dignity

Some hints and tips for dating in the internet age. I can't guarantee a perfect outcome, I can help you along the journey, help you avoid pitfalls, and take some shortcuts so you don't waste time, effort or money.

Firstly, you need to be aware that a lot of people, more than you think, use dating sites when they are already married or in a relationship. In fact there are some sites,which I won't publicise here, that exist specifically to facilitate illicit affairs. You can even send off for "business cards" to hand out to strangers in order that they can track you down online (but not in real life). I'm not going to talk to you about those, except to warn you off them.

Often the terms and conditions of the site will make it clear what is acceptable, to get the tone of the site - look at the questions asked in the profile - these are the things those searching the site consider important. Do you think they are important? Look at the language used in the forums - are you comfortable with it? Do they sound like "your kind of people"? I'm not suggesting you dismiss these sites out of hand, there is the possibility that otherswith the sameoutlook as you have joined the site already, and you may find them, but with so many sites on offer, and most of them requiring a £50-£60 commitment to get anyhting like a worthwhile service, it is worth your while checking out all of the communities available.

You should also know that a lot of dating sites are "white-labels" of other sites, this means that they all share the same engine - and more importantly the same database of people- so you could sign up for more than one site, only to discover its all the same people online. White-labelling means the sites are made to look different - you need to check the profile questions and the site functionality and pricing (they will be identically priced), to ensure it's a unique site before you join up.

Another fact about dating sites is that they keep old members on the system, and will even send these members details out in emails in order to lure you in as a paying customer. Free trials, or even a £5 three day trial, might be a good investment if you then discover that there is no-one in your area, or the person you specifically joined up to meet, has mysteriously disappeared from the database.

After having tried SEVERAL (20+) sites as a paid-up member I have these words of advice . . .

1. Signup for more than one site, this increases your chances of someone you'd like viewing your profile.

2. Fill out the profile as completely as you can, and ALWAYS have a photograph. An awful photo is better than no photo.

3. If there is a trial/free membership try it before commiting.

4. Log onto often - most sites order searches by most recently logged in, so you may end up on the backpage of a search - meaning no-one ever gets to your page. Also, would you email someone who was last online a month ago? The psychology is that if you haven't logged on for a while you must have met someone on the site, and are no longer available for dating.

5. Send a personal message to everyone who is even close to a match for you. Don't just send a wink - a lot of people don't respond. Pick on some attribute of their profile, their favourite film even, to show that you are emailing them because you are interested, and not justemailing everybody with a blanket "I'm new here, how does this work ;o)" which is a good second choice for the time-poor cut and paster, but I'd still go with personalising every email. The other reason to email everyone (apart from snabbling them, the good ones go fast!) is that it gets you used to rejection - a lot of people you email won't reply.

6. On the subject of replies - make sure you do, if its a wink - send back an interested animated reply if you are interested, if you are not interested, a quick "thanks for the wink" will suffice. If you get a full email, and you are interested or not sure, ask them what they liked about your profile. We want to swiftly eliminate the ones tat say "your boobies". If you are not interested, be specific as to why - picking on something not personal - too far away, wrong newspaper, etc.

Not everyone has good intentions. On the cheaper online dating sites, it pays to be very clear about what you are expecting. You also need to be aware that "to have fun" is a euphamism for inviting a sexual encounter. Yep, I've fallen foul of that one!