How is it that whenever I attempt any kind of physical activity outdoors, I always end up injured or embarrassed, or typically both? Because riding a bicycle through dusty, rock-ridden uneven roads on the side of a mountain isn’t difficult enough, I had to ride in a line with our friend in front, me following, my sister behind, and our friend’s son following up the rear without injuring them! Crazy, right? Children always bounce, even when toppled over at breakneck speeds—it’s a law of nature. They really are quite durable, I assure you. And if perchance they don’t bounce, they shouldn’t be riding a bicycle in the first place! And guess what happens when you actively try to avoid injuring others? You just screw over the person who really matters—YOURSELF!

Distracted by forced feelings of precaution, I accidentally slipped up while on my bike. As my body flew headfirst from my bicycle and swiftly headed for the ground, I had just enough time to formulate two conclusions: 1) I suck at mountain biking, and 2) I don’t bounce. As I made full impact with the ground, I quickly rolled to the side to avoid anyone seeing me. This is but one of several evasive maneuvers you can perform if you find yourself in a painful and embarrassing situation. Why seek help when you would rather avoid damaging your ego?

Follow the same rules your schoolteacher taught you for if your classroom burst into flames. Simply stop in your place, drop to the ground (if you haven’t imbedded your face in it already like I did), and then roll like a cholo! If you fall near a ravine or crevice in the ground, just roll yourself into the opening, out of view. Once your party has passed by, quickly and quietly pop out and return to the group from behind.

If any friendly woodland creatures are nearby, such as large geese, beavers, or mongoose, use one or more of them as objects behind which to hide. Just clutch the skin on the back of the animal’s neck and the creature should immediately become docile, obeying your every whim. If that doesn’t work, just slap it around a bit to show it who’s boss.

Trees, parked cars, park benches, and other park-goers can all be used as shelters from the prying, judgmental eyes of your friends and family. If one or all of these available objects is moving, hindering your ability to hide, don’t worry. These same objects also make great distractions. Throw, push, or otherwise disturb the object of your choosing. This will likely cause the object to become confused or angry, causing a ruckus. When your friends and family look in the direction of the commotion, they’ll be so distracted by what’s going on, that they won’t notice the embarrassing thing you did to yourself in the first place.

What could be more enjoyable than flying hundreds of feet above the ground with only a thin cable to hold me up? Gee, well, A LOT of things!! Apparently this elaborately suicidal activity, called “Zip Lining” is actually enjoyed by many a tourist and native Canadian here in Whistler. It’s popularity was the only reason our friends dragged me to try it, and oh, I just can’t thank them enough.

You know, I actually like having some semblance of control. Call me crazy, but I also enjoy staying alive. I know we don’t all share these typically human traits, but does that really mean we ever need to send ourselves soaring through the air like grossly massive and hairless flying-squirrels? No, I think not.

I spent the rest of the evening wrapped tightly in my bed’s 800 count sheets, recovering from the day’s traumas. Hopefully you never find yourself in such horrid situations as I was this day.

Toodles!

Our final full day in Whistler was characterized by unending fun physical activity. It is after these rare days that I feel such a deep level of ache in all of my muscles that the pain ceases to be an irritation, and becomes instead, a satisfying reminder of all the enjoyable things I did.

This was my first time mountain biking. It surely will not be my last. My sister, one of our family friends, their son and I all biked along several different trails near the cabin. While most of these trails sport funny and inviting names like “Gee, I Like Your Pants,” “Tin Pants,” “Cut Yer Bars,” to name just a few, do not be deceived. Especially for someone like me who is completely new to the art of mountain biking, even the “easy level” trails can get a little challenging at parts. To avoid any nasty falls, there is something you can do before you even begin your trek, besides of course carefully regulating your speed and always keeping yourself balanced: rent a good quality bike appropriate for your skill level. I likely would have fallen off far more than once if I had taken the wrong bike, or simply carelessly chosen a cheaper model to rent. If you want to want to avoid unnecessary bumps and bruises during your first mountain biking adventure, a good bike is essential!

This is one activity everyone should try at least one time before they die or simply become too old. It is a little unnerving beforehand, but after you make it safely and soundly to the other side of your first zipline of the tour, you will be filled with so much adrenaline and such a feeling of accomplishment, that you will have trouble waiting your turn for the next line.

What does ziplining in Whistler entail? It is an activity in which you are strapped in a harness, to a thick metal wire hung between two points, typically over a large distance of several hundred feet or more. Our tour, which took us over Fitzsimmons Creek and a mass of old-growth forest, was led by two charming and very informative professional zipliners. One of the lines was 2,200 feet long and, according to the website, slants downward over twenty stories in height! Riding this line, with the lengthy time it affords you to look around you and take in the beauty of the surrounding natural environment, I felt almost like a bird flying over my habitat. It was one of the most magical and thrilling rides I have ever taken.

It was also surprisingly educational! At each stop along the tour, the guides gave mini-lectures on the ecosystem of the surrounding land, as well as the ecologically friendly methods their company used to build their zipline sites and still uses to maintain them. Over the course of these lessons, I learned about the differences between old-growth and second-growth forests, the eating habits and birth cycles of the native bear population and tips on how to support the conservation of forests and ecosystems around the world. With a $100-$120 per-person price tag, these Zipline Tours aren’t cheap. But you must remember, you are paying for an unforgettable trip through some of the most beautiful forestry in the world. If you can afford it, I highly recommend you take part in one of these fantastic excursions.

Stay tuned for Day 12, my last day in Canada!