Dealing With Your Emotional Pain
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Some emotional pain will leave us with time. Some will leave if we decide to let it go. There are times, though, when we must live with emotional pain; either because we haven't had sufficient time to heal or because we are not able, willing, and/or ready to let it go.
There is fresh emotional pain, and there is the variety that lingers in varying degrees (sometimes in the form of emotional scarring but sometimes simply in the form of persistent inability to feel truly happy).
My approach to fresh emotional pain has always been to aim to take as much a break from it as possible. In other words, to give our mind a rest. One might ask how much help this apparent attempt to, at least temporarily, escape emotional pain might be. After all, after taking that "break" from it we always find it is still there.
Actually, however, "giving our minds a rest" from it (even for short periods of time, and even though it will remain) does help. When we are in pain we are essentially "operating under the influence" of a brain/body chemistry that, at best, makes us feel numb and, at worst, can have negative effects simply by virtue of our remaining in a "negative mode" for too long. No matter how awful our pain is, if there is some way to take that little break from it, it gives us a chance to at least some of the negative "chemicals" affecting us. Getting out and having a nice, pleasant, talk with a friend will change our chemistry, at least to some degree. So will having a good laugh. Even the smallest breaks away from thinking about the emotional pain can add up to more time spent each day, with at least a little more "positive" influence in terms of our chemistry. The more time positive time we're able to "patch together" for ourselves, the better (when it comes to giving our pained minds a little more chance to rest and heal). Even the most seemingly insignificant positive feelings/experiences can play a role in nurturing our "emotional energy" and contributing to the eventual re-building of a more normal level of it.
Based on my personal experience, I've found that when there have been those times when a lot of significant sadness takes place over a period of time, particularly when joyful (or even pleasant) experiences don't come anywhere near to matching the amount of sadness; it can feel as if our minds our filled with nothing but grayness. If we begin to have pleasant or happy experiences we may notice that they seem to "move in and displace (or at least "push to the back of our mind) some of the gray". If we don't find enough of those (even small) pleasant/happy experiences it can seem as if the gray feelings in our mind continue to dominate our thoughts/feelings, even if that grayness seems to grow stale and "harden". So, as with fresh emotional pain, the first step at feeling at least somewhat better when we have "older" emotional pain can be to seek out those pleasant, "emotional-energy-nurturing", experiences. This is, of course, not a quick way to feel completely better or to end all the emotional pain.
The immediate, and small, help of finding a way to get our mind off the pain can offer that short-term, helpful, break from it. Without seeking out those small joys in life, however, just taking a break is not usually enough to facilitate any "healing".
Each individual has his own set of things that contribute to that feeling of having one's "soul nurtured". For many it is a certain kind of music. Fresh air, pleasant social experiences, aroma therapy, exercise, or any number of other things in life can contribute to a sense of feeling a little better in spite of it all.
Such an approach to emotional pain can seem absurdly over-simplified, and it's important to point out that such an approach is not, by any means, a magic cure. People who feel their emotional pain is simply too much to deal with often benefit from seeking professional help, although we live in a time when professional help is often a matter of prescribing anti-depressants. I, personally, have known several people who sought professional help and tried medications for a while, only to discover they didn't seem to help.
Sometimes, "un-magic" and slow as it is, learning to find those things that help us find some small, pleasant, experiences/thoughts helps us to develop better coping skills; and, when all is said and done, developing good coping skills is sometimes the thing that makes the difference between emotional pain that is awful and emotional pain that is just unbearable.
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Comments
ajcor, what I've found when I've lost someone like a parent (for example) was that sometimes I had to just say, "I'm not going to think about this right now; I'll try to deal with it later." What it did, I think, was allow me to "put it away" (as much as possible) when thinking about it was just unbearable and waiting until it was more "old news" before allowing myself to try to deal with/process any issues.
When I did that I would step back and ask myself, "Am I burying my head in the sand?" but I realized that what worked for me was to first heal, then deal (that little rhyme just happened by accident, but I think I'm going to use it from now on :) ). To me, it seems reasonable to think that we have to be stronger and "more healed" before we can take on the challenge of processing some things. I guess the way I felt at the time was that there was no running away from it anyway. It was there, no matter how much I wished I could get away from it. It was, I guess, more a matter of getting used to living with it "there", while doing what it took to facilitate my own "healing" - and then getting into the "fancier" aspects of processing the "issues".
It's entirely up to an individual how they deal with emotional pain. I've known people who revel in being sad, it becomes like their reason for living, and they just will not take that small step required to get onto the path of healing. And then there are others who will do all that you suggest Lisa...
Feline Prophet, sometimes I wonder if some people just feel they owe it to someone they lost to "put in a respectable amount of time being miserable". Maybe, too, when it isn't about having lost someone, and is, instead, about something like a rough past; maybe they just don't know how to start getting themselves past whatever it is. Then, too, there are even people who think that being reasonably happy is for "dumb people", and that it's "smart" or "intellectual" to wallow in misery. :)
I hate to sound cynial, but to many it's an attention-seeking gimmick. They want people to notice their misery and exclaim over it...
Feline Prophet, I know what you mean (but I'm laughing at your choice of term, "gimmick", within the context of what we've been discussing. :) )
So true - great advice Lisa. Someone once said how "responsible" it was to grieve - I'd never thought about it that way but since recognize how much deeper and longer the pain lingers if we don't. Your suggestions are wonderful. Being aware of it and how to release it slowly will heal the emotional wounds.
SEM Pro, thanks. I just think (have found) that serious grief is with us for such a long time (even though it gets better gradually, with time), we need to find a way to live with it (as if we were living with an illness, in a way). We essentially need to find a way to manage it and try not to let it completely take over every single minute of every day (once the initial shock/grief has passed, of course).
There are so many levels of different types of issues, I do think the only way to manage them is to deal with the most immediate ones first (such as missing someone, or mourning what they won't live to see); and tuck away some of the less immediate ones (and those far-too-overwhelming ones too) for another time.
Something I found interesting was that after my mother died (years ago) my sister and I actually had "parallel" dreams at different stages after losing her. By that I mean that we both had the same kind of "weird" dreams around the same time. It was as if Nature had built in a schedule for processing some "issues", and as if she and I both had the same issues to process. It was as if our dreams dealt with the "surface issues" first, and then, layer by layer, dealt with increasingly "deeper down" issues. The last set of dreams she and I both had were the trickiest to figure out, because they were on that "very deep down" level. Still, we were able to figure out what we were both doing emotionally. Interestingly (we thought anyway) we had dreams that our father (who had died years before) was in a room with cobwebs, but our mother was alive and without cobwebs. She wasn't "regular alive" though. We figured out that what we must have been doing was processing the idea that we needed to reconcile our thoughts/feelings with the idea that our mother was now where our father was, and yet, in our hearts, she really wasn't simply because we had not become so "used to" knowing she was no longer alive. My sister and I were amazed to realize our dreams (often kooky ones) were so similar at each stage after losing our mother.
My point is that even if we all experience/deal with grief differently, there seems to be some consistency in the way Nature has designed us, in terms of processing similar types of grief. We usually have a way of processing what has to be processed even without trying. When I thought about how clear it was that the dreams dealt with the most "surface level"/immediate issues first, and then dealt with others, according to "level"; it just seemed to me that that approaching processing grief-related issues that way seems to kind of be a natural way to do it.
When I know that someone is just beginning of those long journeys of the grief process I secretly think, "He's got a five-year journey ahead of him" (even though things are a lot better at Year 3 than Year 1, of course). I do think people need to develop a few "tricks" to dealing with it, and the only reason I've ever written about it is to try to find some way to maybe help someone going through it.
Another funny thing about the way Nature seems to design us is that we sometimes have a tendency to want to turn something crummy in our own lives into something that may possibly be helpful to someone else. I do see grief as a kind of monster that, at first, you just aim to keep at bay as much as possible; and then later, when you're stronger, tame, a little at a time. I think that combination of a "time-weakened monster" and a "stronger you" can be an effective way win that overwhelming battling. :)
"Another funny thing about the way Nature seems to design us is that we sometimes have a tendency to want to turn something crummy in our own lives into something that may possibly be helpful to someone else"
This is so true Lisa - I have seen and experienced this myself on a number of occasions and think that it is great that we, despite the horrible circumstances we are experiencing, when given the opportunity, will as a rule try and help others through the same pain filled process of grieving....cheers
I think you are right over here but sometimes, out of my personal experience, we can't get over some memories easily, and even if we did, still there would be a scar to remind us.
shemalbboush, thank. I definitely agree about there being those things over which we'll never get over. I should have probably included in the Hub that I wasn't suggesting ways to "curing" emotional pain - only ways to manage, and live with, it.
great hub. everybody lives with some sort of pain but some hold onto harder than others. I tend to hold on really tight. I think you are so right in that when you don't allow yourself that "break" even more negative things happen (self-harm in my case, other forms of self-dustructive behavior, etc). This just makes it worse. We all deserve some time to be FREE!
SarahMichelle, thanks for contributing. I agree about (at least most) everybody living with some sort of pain (at least one time or another). The "taking-a-break" approach does, I know, seem over-simplified (and, in fact, is); and it certainly isn't a cure. Sometimes, though, there is definitely something to be said for just forgetting our "troubles" and just giving our minds something positive. It doesn't mean we don't have to find some more effective way of addressing any pain; but I think as long as we're stuck living with it we need to find healthy ways to cope.
I know that many people do resort to self-destructive behavior (alcohol, drugs, self-harm, etc.), but I'm not qualified to comfortably make any comments on that part of emotional pain; other than to say I hope people (like you) who have struggled with dealing with pain find a more positive way to process the pain.
Despite feeling from pain, it will be wise if we start acting to heal the pain. Worrying is not going to cure our ailments. So take the life easily. Nice hub.
disappointing article. i understand author's point about giving mind a rest, but she seems intent on running away from pain and making sure you have access to a jolly time. i found it a rather simple and superficial outlook. she was not talking about worrying - but emotional pain. anyone who has ever felt the latter will know what it feels like. it really hurts.
jane, thank you for commenting, and opinions of all sorts are welcome. I'm kind of amazed that at the way the message of this article has been twisted. It is hardly a "gay old time" to make oneself go out for a cup of coffee with a close friend or relative, do something like sit outside and enjoy the fresh air and sun, and trying to either focus on something light or else using that time to talk about the grief with that friend. Anyone who has been through severe emotional pain knows there is no "escaping it". There is no running away from it. That's why people need to figure out things they can do for that "mental break" while they're engulfed in and eaten up by that emotional pain.
Where misinterpretation could occur, I suppose, is if you have assumed that by "emotional pain" I was discussing something like the scars from an abusive childhood (or something along those lines). The emotional pain addressed here should perhaps have been better described as "high-level" (acute) grief and the unhappiness that can follow; and not "long-term scars" (although sometimes even people with long-term scars can let those scars run their life and might benefit from trying to focus on other things). The "fresh" emotional pain to which I referred at the beginning of the article is pain that has not yet turned into scars. "Fresh" doesn't have to apply to, say, loss of a loved one within the last year. "Fresh", as it is used here, refers to the overwhelming, all-consuming, emotional pain that has been so "big" it has remained fresh (rather than having become "old") in spite of how long ago it entered our lives.
When emotional pain is "big enough" Nature helps us a little by numbing us to some degree. We feel as if we're on "auto pilot" and the pain remains, but the numbness helps us at least stay sane and function in our lives. We can feel as if we're living in horror and/or unbearable sadness. Since we can't escape from what is going on within us or around us we need to find some way to get through each day and do what will at least give us the best shot at giving our minds and bodies a few minutes of something a little pleasant.
You're very right that this article is not about worrying. It was written for my personal experience with what has worked for me over the course of an adult life that has brought so many big, awful, things that the sources of grief have just kind of blended together and made up a life that has not been free of emotional pain for 25 or 30 years now. If I wrote a movie script about my life nobody would buy it because they'd think it was not believable. What works for one person may not work for someone else, but what is offered here has been the techniques I've used to make sure any emotional pain has allowed me to "remain me", get through the years, and not be destroyed by rotten events in life.
Yes, emotional pain hurts. That's why it's called, "pain". It's something everyone has to live with at some point, and some people get more of it than others. We live with it the way some people must live with a physical condition that brings physical pain, and how people live with any pain is to aim to do what they can to relieve it just a little bit on those days when they can, while also having those days when they just can't do anything but suffer.
Any article is always going to be disliked by any number of readers. That goes with the territory of writing, and that's fine. You are incorrect, though, in your statement that this one was written with a "superficial" outlook. Also, yes, my suggestions are "simple" but the steps I suggest people take are simple because the fact is the options of what we can do when we're in emotional pain are very limited (so limited, in fact, that we often much grasp at things like fresh air and a cup of coffee or listening to uplifting music as a "drop-in-the-bucket" approach to finding some little bit of pleasantness in a situation that is otherwise hell). "Superficial" it is not, though. As I said, all techniques won't work for all people; but what is offered here comes from 30 years of adult life that was ushered in with a year of multiple, big, losses and then 29 years of adult life that has more sources of emotional pain than many people have in a lifetime. If hadn't learned these "simple" techniques early I may have become an alcoholic or a drug addict, or maybe I would have allowed "miserable-ness" to destroy me or my life in some other way. Instead, these "simple" techniques have been the way I'm managed to stay whole and strong and even find lots of happiness in an otherwise challenging life. Whatever this article is or isn't, "superficial" it is not.
Emotional pain is a mental thing, learn to let go, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. Whats the point of allowing yourself to re-live the hurt that has broken your heart. it is quite obvious that individual never deserved you, and now that they have moved on you hold on to the mess they have left behind. it doesnt make sense neither is it fair to you. Cleanse yourself mentally and and learn how to deal with the reality that is before you and all will be well. This can also be used for situations outside of relationships. How to do that is another question, only you know.
reeltaulk, thanks for contributing your views on the kind of emotional pain that some people can have when a relationship has failed. That's a form of emotional pain I wasn't didn't even consider when I wrote this Hub.
The kind of emotional pain I most had in mind when writing this Hub was the kind that comes with someone close dying, or with the kind of overwhelming events in life for which the pain involves more than just that associated with the end of a relationship. Although I, of course, hope that some of the thoughts presented in the Hub might help someone who is struggling with whatever pain some people might experience after a break-up; to be honest, I did completely overlook that kind of situation when putting together this Hub. I'm glad that, with your comment, you thought of those people I'd overlooked. :)
I do agree dealing with grief is different for each person. I usually interact on the discussion based on the warmth of the person in person depending. Sometimes I felt solitude was the most helpful in my trauma healing. Mostly we all have had our experiences in some form. I believe some people are just natural comforters. I think that it is important to respect individual feelings. I felt that unless you actually know what an individual is going through then and only then can you truly understand the pain.
Biktmia, thanks for sharing your thoughts here.
For so long I repressed the grief of my childhood, but it affected me in negative ways: anger, negative obsession, etc.. Later on in life, through intense therapy, I finally faced my grief and located the source of much of it. The grief got more intense, but I didn't let myself run from it, and finally it eased. Then joining a twelve-step program and being with people who have had similiar experiences helped me come to terms.
A few years ago, after learning I didn't have cancer, grief came back with a vengence. I couldn't understand why, until I realized just how much I craved what I've never had, even from my therapist: empathy.
Finally, doing what I love, fishing, being in the beauty of nature, helped me heal, though I've accepted that grief and disappointment will always be part of my life.
Randy, thanks for sharing. People can have all different types of emotional pain, and when I wrote this Hub in response to a request, I tried to cover it in a generalized way.
The suggestions here were mainly intended to point out that people need some of those "soul nurturing" things if they're going have the "emotional strength" to face any of that pain head on. Also, though, when we've had some pleasantness "added to our minds" it can give us a more balanced view of the world and life, not to mention positively actually altering brain chemicals.
I'm guessing that if fishing and Nature are things you really love and enjoy, it gives you a sense of having something "for you" in life, and maybe makes what you feel you didn't get seem less important (now that you're getting other things from life). Time may even eventually make grief and disappointment "shrink" more than you'd think, as well.
This is very real information. Totally true and honest. You have my utmost admiration for your deep understanding of emotional pain. Very helpful to many people.
RecoverToday, thank you for your kind words. If there's anything here that's even the tiniest bit helpful for even a second or two that means a lot to me.
I think getting over hurt depends on what we do with our emotion. We can turn it into a positive by getting in action to either express it or filter it into another interest. As you say in your article, even though we get involved in other things, we may forget for a while, but the emotion is there buried. It eventually wears down after a while but it's during that "wearing down" time that it's so crucial to stay focused on the positive. Don't deny the emotion and feeling, be with it, experience it, allow it. But don't allow it to OWN you. One thing I always tell my clients in crisis (usually) "Just remember....it won't always hurt this bad." Just wish I could tell myself the same thing!
donotfear, thank you for contributing. Although I'm in no way disagreeing with anything you've said here, your comment makes me wonder if the title of this article (which was written in response to a request and not changed to better cover different types of emotional pain) is subject to more interpretation than it should be.
The kind of emotional pain I had in mind when I wrote this is the kind that isn't "just hurt", but that makes a person feel as if he's horror movie. There's the kind of emotional pain that, for example, may occur when a spouse suddenly walks out of a marriage. Or, there's the kind people have when, perhaps, they never felt good enough because they feel as if a parent never quite approved. There are things like severe financial loss, job loss, or adjusting to physical problems. Life can be full of emotional pain (for some people more than others), although I'm guessing all experience it at least a few times in their life.
Then, though, there's the kind that is "above and beyond" what one feels he can deal with, and sometimes life can bring several of those sources of pain in a short period of time.
One example of one of those "horror movie" sources of pain in my own life was when my twenty-month old nephew went into a coma from an infection, suffered brain death, and was removed from life support in order to donate his organs.
An example of "too much in a short time", for me, was watching my father-in-law go through losing his two feet and dying, having to leave my marriage when the stress of that and so many other big things made it necessary, being separated from two of my children in the resulting custody battle, and then watching my mother become bedridden from a heart attack and the going through seeing her lose both her feet before being sent home to die. By themselves, each of these examples of emotional pain felt like I was in horror movie. Added together in a short period of time, they pretty much became a "whole" that was greater than its parts as well.
When you have this kind of emotional pain it will, I believe, pretty much own you for quite a while until it "wears off"/"dies down". I've found that while living through one of these long stretches of time, all you can really do is live with the fact that you're temporarily owned by the horror of it all and do you best with the thoughts and days you have until some of it dies down. I do think, though, people need to keep in mind that they will not be owned by it forever - just for longer than they may otherwise expect. People going through a period of this kind of "complex" and/or overwhelmingly loss need to try, too, to sort it all out, no matter how many sources of pain there are (rather than just accepting life as "one, big, painful, blur"). I think sometimes, though, it can be more challenging to sort it all out when a person has been "hit" so many times he feels he has little left with which to fight or "sort".
Years ago, my close girlfriend's two younger brothers (15 and 16) and their friend were speeding in a car and hit a tree. The friend and one brother was killed. The other brother nearly died from burns and was permanently disfigured. Not long after that my other girlfriend and I were out and hit by a drunk, speeding, driver. My girlfriend was killed. A few months later my other close girlfriend's teenage brother died a couple of months after being diagnosed with Leukemia. Two months later my father had a heart attack and died. All of this came on the heels of having lost my grandfather, so it was "quite a stretch" of emotional pain, to say the least, particularly for a 20-year-old young woman. At the time I had what I thought was an excellent and fighting attitude, and I thought, "This will not take more from me than it already has." Still, the fact was the whole stretch of "horror" pretty much owned me (good attitude or not) until time caused it all to lose some of its grip on me and I was gradually able to reclaim ownership of myself and my life (to whatever extent any of us owns our life) and put all the loss and horror in its place.
What I found, after a number of big, awful, stretches of grieving was that a person can become fairly skilled at processing grief and coping; but then along comes the "horror type" of emotional pain with which there is no managing it or your own emotions and instead, with which there is little but learning to live with it until time does its job. Of course, the good thing about "horror type" emotional pain is that once a person has lived through it things like relationship break-ups, financial worries, job loss, or long-held issues with what parents did/didn't do don't cause much "emotional pain" at all. LOL
I don't even know what to say. I am exhausted after reading your hub and comments. You have a tender grasp on your topic. The process in which a person heals or band-aids their grief/pain is amazingly different. Take two people who have experienced the very same thing. One person is able to process that pain within a set period of time, while the other person isn't able to process entirely. Going for years trying to put it into perspective. And no it isn't like wallowing in grief for the sake of attention as someone mentioned. Some people are just not able to set aside all the grief they carry in their hearts. It is kind of like being stuck in the middle of a road.
Your hub is a very good one. Touching and soulful. I look forward to reading the rest of your hubs.
crazybeanrider, thank you for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts here (although I'm not sure my original intent was to exhaust readers LOL - but, in all seriousness, I know what you mean. It's an exhausting subject. :) )
People do deal with grief/pain very different individually and often differently.
I think one reason people can't "set aside all the grief they carry in their hearts" is that some grief is too overwhelming and consuming to be "small enough to be contained just within the heart". Instead, it's so big it's as if if comes from something outside the person and can wrap around him, and making him feel completely trapped within the grief. I think you're analogy to being stuck in the middle of a road kind of says the same thing.
I can't speak for everyone with pain and grief; but as far as I'm concerned, genuine grief is not very often something people hang onto for attention.
ajcor says:
9 months ago
I agree Lisa HW - separating yourself from the pain by trying to opt out on a temporary basis can be effective or even if you can just make an agreement with yourself - in effect giving yourself permission to not have to deal with the problem right now - to come back and face the issue in say 2 weeks; seems to work for me... whatever works for the individual seems like a good idea as long it is rational and not just burying one's head in the sand so that the problem comes back to bite you on the bum in the future...cheers