As parents, we may encounter the need to use punitive measures to drive home a message.

To call these measures by this name is highly unpopular: disciplinary measures is the title that allows us to implement such tools without impugning ourselves.

The power of names is a topic unto itself, but I, for one, am a devotee of words and their potential to define our thinking and, consequently, our reality, and the use of disciplinary measures is a perfect example of that potential. Disciplinary measures is the preferred term because it restricts us, by reminding us of our purpose when we choose to apply them. There is no room for debating "To Discipline or Not to Discipline?" --is there?

The best advice I ever received and the clearest principle to follow for effective disciplining is this: Let the child deal with the consequences.

I first heard of this approach in my pre-parental stage, as a friend described for me the travails of the job. As he told it, he had asked his 3 year old toddler to undress and get ready for bath‑time. After two tries, the toddler was placed in the water, clothes and all. The child was not a happy camper. It stands to reason that it probably wasn't the wet clothing that made the child miserable, but rather the revelation that she had done something wrong.

Likewise, when my child failed to start reading on time for his book report, he had to write a partial report and accept the grade he deserved.

The beauty of this system is that it teaches the child exactly the lesson needed: if you forget your umbrella at school, you may very well get wet. Oops! Clearly this was written by a post‑puddle‑splashing adult, but love of puddles aside, you know what this is about!

It highlights the direct link between cause and effect.

Letting the child "take the fall", so to speak, is beneficial also because it gives the child the opportunity to draw two conclusions:

(1) Something specific needs to be done differently next time

and

(2) She is capable of falling down and getting up on her own.

The second lesson is one of the building blocks of self esteem.

Next time my son starts working towards that book report a week earlier, his improved achievement will be his alone.

That doesn't mean I won't hear out his (inevitable) complaints about the partial grade in the first instance. In my best parental moments I'll maintain my sanity throughout his tirade, long enough to be his sounding board once he calms down, and help him think of the steps he might take to avoid this undesired consequence.

In my best parenting moments, I will remind him ONLY ONCE when the time comes to start preparing for the next one.

And yet, this wonderful system is not perfect.

Here are its two greatest detractors:

• It is often impractical.
• It is very difficult --if not nearly impossible- to do NOTHING.

Let me demonstrate.

The natural consequence for missing the school bus is missing school. Various scenarios play out in you head, many of which have to be dismissed for a handful of reasons: can't leave her alone at home; can't afford to miss work; have other prior obligations for that day; etc. Or maybe you're at home anyway: Is missing a day of school the kind of consequence that would seem undesirable, or that would teach a memorable lesson? What would be the point if I drove her to school? Am I going to end up spending the next __ [fill in the blank with an amount of time] lecturing?

Examples like these abound as your child grows. Most of the time we face issues that fall into the grey area; clear cut cases are actually few and far between.

It's exceptionally difficult to "do nothing" because it is often painful to watch your child take the fall. It's in our instinct to try to steady our kids, soften blows, cushion the lesson in a harmless context. And why not? How many of us believe it's a good idea to throw the child into the lake so he can benefit from the "sink" or swim" experience?

In other words, "dealing with the consequences" is an APPROACH, rather than a SYSTEM. It's a good guideline, a golden rule to follow when teaching discipline.

So here we are: good, caring and involved parents facing all those grey areas. We know right from wrong, but the challenge of teaching it is an all‑together different matter.

In keeping with the approach, here are some guidelines, formulated as questions to ask yourself when facing the discipline‑consequence‑punishment dilemma.

Be Anger‑Free. Can you deliver the "sentence" without anger in your voice, gestures, eyes, etc? Are you sure you're not acting out of anger? An hour later, will your choice of "consequence" still seem appropriate or will you feel a twinge of remorse? Can you live with it?

A Repeated Transgression. Have you issued warnings about this issue before this incident? Could your child have predicted that a punishment might follow?

Make it Match. What will be gained from your "imposed consequence"? What will your child do next time she faces the same circumstances? Does she know precisely which behavior is being punished?

Consider Alternatives. Is there a different measure you could use to send home the same message without penalty? Could you offer support or provide him with a tool he hasn't tried yet?

Remember: It's OK to make mistakes. Whether it's your child's mistake in choosing a certain behavior or your mistake in choosing the "consequence"-both are OK. Why? Because you know that you'll both continue to love each other.

Hugs, gestures, looks and words are all acts of love. So is facing our parental dilemmas.