Dealing with a child who does not respect you
75A Tired Mother's Cry for Help...
I am a mother of four. I have a lovely thirteen year daughter and three handsome little boys ages 9, 6, and 2. I do all that I can to provide a loving home for them, but it seems that I am fighting an uphill battle trying to raise them. I am a stay-at- home- mom, I rarely leave the household unless I have to, and used to try to spend as much time as possible with my children. Now I spend a lot of time on my computer because I am working on starting a career as a writer, but I still try to make plenty of time for them.
It seems that only my boys are trying to be understanding of the changes in my life. They try to be patient and understanding- which I know is not easy for a child. They find ways to amuse themselves while I work, but at times, it gets hard for them. Those are the times when I step sway from the computer and try to wait until after their bedtime to work.
My daughter on the other hand, has not taken well to ANY of the changes that I have made in my life over the course of the last six years. She did not like my ex-husband. That was understandable- after a while I didn't like him much either, but when I started a new relationship, she didn't care for that man either. I'm not sure what that was all about, but needless to say, I ended that relationship, and have not dared to start another.
I try to think about her feelings in all that I do, but I find that the more I do that, she less she respects me. She has terrible mood swings, and I jut roll the punches. I try not to get angry. Truth be told, I actually don't get angry. I feel hurt and disappointed by some of the things that she says to me. I just react in a hostile way because I am not used to such anger. It seems that I can do nothing right in this child's eyes. The men that I chose to have relationships were "losers"- her word not mine. When she wants to do something or get something, I am a horrible mother if I say no or tell her to wait. My patience is wearing thin.
Don't get me wrong, my child is not a horrible person. She is talented, creative, and intelligent. She has a lot to offer the world. She just can't stand me, and hard as I try, I do not understand why. I know that I am probably not dealing with the issues between us as well as I could, but I do try. I have sought professional help, which turned out to be just a waste of time and effect. She refuses to talk and work on the issues that are standing between us. I tried just staying out of her way. That doesn't work either. I tried catering to her, every parent knows that NEVER works. I have even tried getting someone else to help, but that doesn't work either.
What do you do in situations like that? Whatever I say, is wrong. I cannot walk into a therapist's office and say "Here is the problem. She does not obey or respect me." Trust me. I tried. She only got mad at me. She took that as me beating up on her. She thought that I was just trying to make her look like the bad guy. I wasn't. The therapist asked me what I thought the problem was and I answered. What did she say? "I don't know. Ask my mom, she seems to know everything."
Yeah. That was a real break through. I already suffer from depression, panic disorder, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, and most recently a sever case of loneliness. What do I do now?
If there is anyone out there that can offer any suggestions, please I am all ears. I don't want to send her away to one of those boot camps. I don't feel that it would help things. Besides, my mother is already beating up on me about even considering do such a thing. It seems that bad relationships with our mothers is a hereditary thing, but I always tried to at least be decent towards my mother- especially when I was a child living in her house.
Well... this is my cry for help. Any answers. I have prayed an I have cried until the my pillow can hold no more tear stains. What do I do now?
Tootles!!
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Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to handle this with all the grace I can muster, but like I said, it is an uphill battle. Nothing I do is right. I just hope that she comes around soon or I will be bald and crazy soon. My nerves have gotten so bad that my hair has started falling out. Maybe I can buy myself a cute wig. lol
Tootles!!
Humm is a touchie thing...teens have a hard enough time and parents of teens have a hard time...but as a parent is your responsibilty to be the leader and set the rules...and I realize how hard today that is...but actually all begins in the beginning and when left without the proper concerns it develops later to haunt you...
It was good to hear you have tried therapy for both yourself and her...do you go to church? Is there any group she can join? Is she active in extra activities? does she have any responsibilties...I mean you do have 3 younger boys... somehow boys seem easier to handle then girls...well to me anyways...
And even though you hate to send her away it may be necessary...when all avenues don't work...I have friends that did that and honestly?? one worked and one helped...but not the way they had hoped...It is a big decision and costly...but if you don't try and give her every chance you will never have piece of mind...
There is a book out called "Between Parent and Teenager" have you read any books of help?...I am way past raising my children and now into the grandchildren and great grandchildren so I do realize things are different now...but in essence NOT really...we are the adults and they need our guidence and actually want us to guide them...
My Prayers will be said for you my dear and maybe I helped and maybe not...but don't give up and also the comment above is a good one...G-Ma :o) Hugs & Peace
Thanks, G-Ma for the supportive advice. Yes, we go to church. She even sings in the youth choir- has a beautiful voice. SHe's in chorus at school. She is planning to play softball this year and join the FHA (Future Farmers of America). I try to be as encouraging as I possibly can. As far as responsibilities go, she has them, but whether or not she takes care of them is a whole different matter. That all depends on what sort of mood she's in that day. Her chores go undone or get finished by me or her brothers more often than not. My boys are turning out to be alot more helpful in a lot of ways and they are all younger than she is.
I haven't read anything, but I am looking into support groups that can help me cope. She may be unwilling to try, but I believe that the only way to fail at any thing in life is to never try in the first place. This is one of those things that I refuse to fail at. I love my daughter and I will always be there, but it is past time for her to learn a few things about life.
I pray to GOD that she doesn't end up going down the wrong road, and I am going ot keep pushing until I gt through to her. That's all I know to do.
Tootles!!
This is a problem in 90% of homes these days. I'm not an expert on this subject but I feel the relationship we share with our children (when they become young adults) largely has its roots in the way we shared time with them in their childhood (formative years). Whatever said and done, at this stage, patience is the only remedy you have as it is difficult to change them in this stage of their lives. They again soften a bit when they have their own children but I understand..by that time it might be too late for you to reap dividends. You might just want to have a look at my hub which speaks about this issue but in a slightly different manner. (How to inculcate values in our children). God bless.
That is not understandable. She probably lost respect for you when you lost respect for yourself. And she's probably mad because you are focused on too much at one time and you don't make time for her. It sounds like you spend more time with your boys. Plus, she probably only expects material things from you because you don't give her the mental attention that she needs from her mother ESPECIALLY since she is going through puberty. P.S. Her losing respect for you started when you allowed it. >:/
I love all my children equally, and do all I can to spend equal amounts of time with each. It is not easy, but I try. It is just that there are four of them, and to give each one the one-on-one attention that they deserve, there are times when three are going to have to wait their turn. My daughter and I have our time together, and when we do, things are good. It is just when it is time to give the boys their time, it becomes a problem. Self-respect is not a problem. I have dealt with years of low self esteem, but it seems that now that I have a moer confident attitude about life, there is a problem with her. She despises that fact that I do things and buy things for myself from time to time, but she and her brothers are never left without all the things they need and most of what they want.
Every parent is entitled to have something in their lives that satifies them, and having children is not a death sentence to a person's happiness. Kids are supposed to add to the joy. The changes that I have made in my life are not only for my own benefit, but they are also chnges that could add so much more to their lives as well.
As for you, from the assumptions that you made, maybe there is some animosity that you need to work through. Parents love their children, and all I want from my kids is that return that love. That is not too much to ask. Sometimes kids just misbehave because they think that parents are being unfair when it comes to discipline and setting rules. That is the issue here. Don't make assumptions about people.
Tootles!!
chillingbreeze says:
12 months ago
I tried to be at your situation and understood the whole thing. This none of your fault and neither your child's. She is going through an age when she needs more of a friend than a mother. It's little natural that she won't stand the relationship of her mother when her growing age is tempting herself to be in one. This is the most critical time for a teenagaer as well as parents. Try to keep yourself calm though I'm sure you already do. Try to be as good and friendly as possible. She will take time but she will understand. Be a friend at this moment. Don't be too lovey dovey and don't be too hostile either. You must have to keep a balance now. I know you've just started the writing career but your child is more important. Once she copes with you, you can even prompt her to give suggestions, ideas and her creative skills. Just stay calm and try to be a friend with her now.. Talk how she is doing at school, how are her frineds, if she is having some soft feelings for somebody.. I hope things will work out soon..
Chill and cheers!