Dealing with stares and your cleft child

Some parents of cleft children do not take them in public before their first repair surgery, because they, the parent, become self conscience of their child's appearance and do not wish to deal with the stares and comments.

Face it we have all chuckled at the jokes about the "hair lipped man", I know I have. Then we were given Preston and now those jokes are not so funny anymore.

Human nature tells us to make fun of what we do not understand and we have all been guilty of that. If you say that you have never done that I suggest you stop reading now because you cannot be honest with yourself much less others.

In our case it was harder for the siblings to deal with it than the parents. Let's get real, a cleft lip child looks different than other children and education is the key to help build your natural defenses when people leer in the grocery store as well as for your babies brothers and sisters.

Chances are you already know the reason your child has a cleft lip. Our son has a bilateral cleft lip and in his case his mouth did not form properly in early embryonic development. During early formation everybody has a cleft lip it comes together at about 10 weeks in your mothers stomach forming the philtral dimple, the indention on your upper lip below your nose, in Preston's case it did not come together.

Your child's situation may be different. It can be from amniotic banding, heredity, certain gene mutations and the list goes on. Once you know this information it makes it more bearable to answer questions and help the curious small child understand.

Knowing this information still does not make it any easier if an adult or teenager makes snide comments or laughs at your baby. In these situations you can either ignore it or do like I do, take the time to give them an on the spot education and ask them for their name and home address. This usually garners an immediate apology and I take that and turn it around on them. Telling them that I don't need their sympathy and that I am really sorry for their family for having them as a part of it, because adults that insult babies are hideous.

That may not be the most tactful way to address it but it does give you a personal sense of satisfation to see adults slink away as you continue with your shopping and errands with your head held high and proud to show off your new family member and they will think twice before they make snide remarks about others they do not know in public.

Just remember mean comments mean that people don't understand and lack maturity to be civil over that which they do not know.

With curious small children if you take the time to show interest in them and invite them to come look at the baby closer then you can tell them how it happens and reassure them that your baby will be fine is all it takes. Small children are actually concerned for your child because they think that something is really wrong with them.

Here is a personal story:

While waiting in line at an Ice Cream parlor a small child saw our son prior to his first surgery and she was devastated. Literally in tears. I asked permission to her mother if I could explain and introduce her to Preston and the mother was obliging. I took the time to explain to her about the part of her lip and how it came together when she was in her mothers belly and that Preston's just did not come together and that the doctors can fix it. I explained that plastic surgeons can do wonders and he was going to be fine and allowed her to hold him. Then she asked her mother if the reason she, the mother, went to see the plastic surgeon was because she had a cleft lip too. It was a MasterCard moment. All the adults chuckled and the little girl was very happy to know that Preston was going to be ok. I would of loved to have been on that car ride leaving Dairy Queen with the mom and daughter.

Just remember after the first surgery your baby will look normal to others and it takes a close look to see that there is a difference. Do not try to hide your child from others because of a small issue with their smile. You will miss that wide smile as it slowly fades from your memory and leaves their face.

Cherish your child and remember they are not different from any other child they just have a situation in due time that will only be a memory. Do not hide that beautiful wide grin from others show it off and let the world know everything is going to be fine.