Napalmtube, I don’t know you.  Prior to this evening, I had never seen any of your videos so I obviously don’t know the entire history.  My name is Modias.  I am an atheist and I run a channel here called InModiasWeTrust which covers atheism, science (evolutionary psychology in particular) and human rights.  I invite you to watch my other videos if you are curious about who I am beyond the aforementioned.  This is a bit of an awkward introduction all things considered, so I’ll just launch into the “meat”, if you will…

First of all, I understand your having disabled comments and ratings on this your returning home series.  For what it’s worth, that was probably a good idea.  This is not meant to fly in the face of your request for PM responses, but I think it is important for the community to know what’s going on, provided the information is presented in a respectful manner.  As such, I hope you will accept this as a video response and perhaps reply when your are comfortable doing so.  As mentioned above, I have no intention of slandering or belittling you.  If any part of this comes off that way, I sincerely apologize.  All I request is a discussion, an exchange of ideas.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I think it required a great deal of courage to keep your channel open and even more to post this series of three videos.  As you said, you could just as easily have closed down your channel and refused to face the music, but you didn’t.  I find that to be commendable and admirable.  To speak to your supposition that your future videos will be one starred and that people will unsubscribe, I don’t think that’s necessarily a reasonable thing to conclude.  I am aware that there are many in the atheist community as well as the various religious communities who will simply one star anyone who opposes them philosophically.  However, I find that those users are vastly outnumbered by those of us who are in search of meaningful dialogue and worthwhile content.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I will not be prejudging your videos.  I will judge them on their merit, presentation and basis in relavence. 

As I have not seen your previous videos, I don’t think you have anything to apologize for, particularly as you openly admit to having never truly been an atheist.  If your position has changed philosophically, that is to do only with you.  I have to agree with Sarahon however in that I believe you may be causing some damage now.  Those of us who are strong or at least confident in our positions on the atheistic side of the fence will not be swayed by your transition, and I find it odd that you would feel it necessary to reach out to other people who are struggling with their belief system.  People who are riding the fence, as I was for the better part of a decade, need to find their own way in my opinion.  It sounds to me that you are offering a helping hand in such a way as to bring people over to the Christian viewpoint, and that slightly reeks of an offer to indoctrinate.  If I have misunderstood, please correct me, but I think indoctrination causes more problems than I have time to discuss just now.  If I were you , I would confine any discussion with the fence sitters to your experiences and the manner in which you came to your conclusions, leaving out any philosophical suggestions or special pleading.

As to your having entered into an area of ignorance, I would suggest that you are in the process of such entrance now, not when you began exploring atheism.  I understand your reasoning and if you have truly done this for the sake of your mental health, perhaps Catholicism is necessary for you.  However, you are leaving a place of freedom in favor of a place of service without logic.  I came to my conclusion that there is no God based on my having read the bible in its entirety, and passages which disgusted me as a Christian came to mind as I watched your video.  I cannot understand how an obviously intelligent man can return to a dogmatic place where he will be subjected to judgement from both sides, some with merit and some without, the end result of which is a position in heaven where he will spend the vast majority of his eternal existence praising, singing to and worshiping a deity who is willing to undertake the commission of the extreme and deplorable acts with which the bible is littered.  Again, I don’t mean to be insolent, but I just don’t get it.

Now I don’t find it necessary to suppose that there is one objective worldview for all of atheism.  I think that is an absurd notion as we each have and craft our own meaning and purpose in this life.  If I were to attribute any particular worldview to atheism, I would likely choose existentialism.  I mean that in the abstract, without all the various doctrines that go with it, merely as a position of individualism for which each of us is responsible, without any objectively or universally defined knowledge of what is right and wrong; in essence that, on the whole, such positions are unique to the individual, regardless of many areas of similarity.  It would certainly NOT be nihilism.  But again, I would never presume to attribute any worldview to all of the community.  Worldviews are necessarily subjective, not objective.  You, as a matter of fact, are in the process of proving that right now.  Beyond that, I don’t see how your position as a Christian is any less arbitrary and I find it more so.  Assigning what may be called faux meaning to your life, that is to say meaning without realistic justification, does not by its very nature cause your existence to be more worthwhile.  It is comparable with an insecure teenager pulling his childhood security blanket out of a dusty box and beginning to carry it around with him again.

To be frank with you, I found your commentary on the rape of a woman being attributable to walking down the street both disturbing and disgusting.  There may be no objective morality from which to draw your definitions if you do not subscribe to a religion, but there are certainly and obviously subjective moralities which everyone I have ever met carries regardless of their philosophical position.  You do have a conscience, don’t you?  Certainly we assign values to our thoughts and actions, but that remains true regardless of religion.  I find it much more revealing about who a person actually is when they are in the position of deciding for themselves.  There is a lot to be said for the person who fearlessly crafts his own path, moving forward with the understanding that he has no need for a book or a God to tell him to do the next right thing.  He knows.  On a visceral level, he knows…

Reality is only meaningless if we say that it is.  I have a purpose and my life has meaning.  I find the strength and courage to get up and carry on day after day, and I do this without what you would call the benefit of knowing that God is backing me up.  Life may be full of suffering, but it is also filled with a great deal of joy and beauty, and we can easily find these things without religion.  I imagine that, on some level, you still know that.  As to being satisfied, it must be obvious that satisfaction is difficult because of suffering; and that suffering has its roots in desire.  Do you truly suppose that your desires are going to be lifted as a result of your return to religion?  Have you forgotten about the suffering that you underwent as a Christian before which in all likelihood led you to dabble with atheism in the first place?  That may not be entirely fair.  I don’t know you, so I don’t know.  I can only assume and again, please correct me if I am wrong.

Even as a believer, your purpose is still arbitrary.  No matter how strictly you follow your chosen creed, there will still be choices to make and decisions which are left solely to you.  After all, following such a creed in the first place is itself a choice.  You have no concept of infinity.  None of us do!  That is the very aspect of Christianity that makes it both absurd and arrogant above anything else.  The idea of eternal life and infinite existence.  Such things are beyond our capacity to understand.  You may think that is what you want, but it will leave you unsatisfied just like everything else.  Happiness comes in the form of a smile, a laugh, an amazing meal, standing alone in the silent forest or having a long lost friend arrive at your door unexpectedly.  We take these things, appreciate them for what they are and relish in them.  Then we move on.  As cliché and perhaps cheesy as it may sound, happiness is to be found in the journey.  It sounds to me like you are seeking it as a destination and, regardless of your manner of seeking, it’s just not going to happen.  Your eyes were opened, to a degree at least.  You have seen what you have seen, and there is no denying that.  You may try, but I will not be surprised if you find yourself even less happy and more lost than you were prior to taking up the yoke again.  I doubt you will be either.

Regarding the laws of logic, there is no evidence that I am aware of to back up your position.  These laws may be binding, but they were brought to our attention at a certain point in history.  And not by any God.  As to the uniformity of nature, things are as they are as a result of the laws of physics, thermodynamics and other scientific absolutes.  Though we can’t explain the why, we understand the how.  Our lack of understanding does not prove the existence of a creator-deity.  Nor is such even implied.  This aspect of your argument has been overturned for a long time, for the most part.  Dealing with the trustworthiness of your senses is a bit more difficult, but again, this does not imply a God.  The only thing you can be absolutely sure of is your own existence and, if you are completely honest and self-aware, you can only be 99.9% sure even of that.  Using God to account for these things fails as well because then one is left with the need to account for God.  At best, you have simply added an unnecessary step to the equation.  Atheists may not be able to account for them either, but we acknowledge this as a great reason to continue the search rather than taking the easy way out and blaming the lot on an inexplicable God figure. 

As I was not subscribed to you before, I cannot unsubscribe now.  In fact I am adding you to my subscription list because, as I stated before, I wish to engage you in a dialogue about your conclusions. 

To finish this up, I would like to remind you that this was not intended to be insolent or insensitive.  I empathize with your plight.  If you are happy now, I am happy for you.  I just think your happiness is being had under false pretenses, whether you realize it yet or not.  Please get in touch when you finish watching this as I am very interested in your thoughts and possible corrections.  Until then, I hope you are well.  Thanks for listening! 

-Modias