Dear Dr. Greg -- Going Home for the Holidays

Dear Dr. Greg,

My family wants me to come home for the holidays, but I almost never have fun with them. Some friends want me to be with them over the holidays. What should I do?

While I can’t make a decision for you, I think that there are some things about the holidays which may clarify your decision. The first thing to note is that you may think the holidays should be "fun." Rather than "fun," the holidays are a difficult time for most people. Although it is commonly considered a "cheerful" time, most people experience it as a stressful time.

Although you are not faced with homework, readings, studio assignments, and the like, you do have a whole new set of worries. Shopping, traffic, crowds, wrapping presents, and problem family members are just some of the annoyances. There are few ways to avoid these things and they generally leave people feeling frustrated and irritated.

Your question seems to imply that spending the holidays with your friends will be more "fun" than spending them with your family. The truth is your friends may be more "fun" than your family because you see "fun" as doing such things as going out to clubs, hanging out with your friends, or using substances that have more kick than rum balls.

If your family wasn’t "fun" when you were growing up, they probably aren’t going to be that way over the holidays. Going to a club and staying up all night partying with your parents may not be a reality.

Sometimes, though, families can be difficult to cope with because of serious problems during the holidays such as having a relative who is physically or emotionally abusive. In this case, holidays with friends or other loved ones might be a better alternative. To paraphrase a wise professor at school: If you spend the holidays at your friend’s house, at least you can laugh at your friend’s family rather than crying with your own.

No matter where you spend the holidays, here are some "do’s" and "don’ts" that might help make the season go a little more smoothly:

1. DO expect there to be "lows" as well as "highs." The holidays are like a roller-coaster with your entire family (or friends) packed in tight. Have fun with it.
2. DON’T expect the holidays to be full of happiness, joy, or good cheer. If you do, you are setting yourself up for failure.
3. DO give others permission to screw up. If there is one guarantee you can have during the holidays, it’s that someone will say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Ignore it and move on. If that person is you, give yourself a break too.
4. DON’T say anything at the family dinner except how wonderful the food is. This is usually a special family time and is not the time to tell your family (or anyone else’s family) about your tattoo, that your are changing religions, or that you prefer the food at Woody’s to your mother’s cooking. Let it be a family time.
5. DO thank everyone for the gifts they have given you. A gift is a symbol that usually means "I care about you." It doesn’t mean, "I have good taste" or "I know your perfect size." If you don’t like the gift, quietly take it back another day and exchange it.
6. DON’T overdo it. Binging on food, drink, and other party favors may make you feel good for the moment, but they leave you feeling worse the next day.

Consider yourself lucky that you have two choices during the holiday season. Some people are separated from their families by distance or by choice, and the holidays can be a lonely time. It might be nice to reach out to one of those people and invite them to share the holiday with you and your friends, or just have them over to laugh with you about your family. A little togetherness and a lot of laughter can make this a very special holiday season after all.