When someone you love dies, you have a feeling of numbness; a yearning; and a protest. You have lost part of yourself; you feel disorganized; and you do much crying. You're restless, and you may feel guilty. Perhaps you could have helped the one who died but you do not know how. You are angry because the person died, and you are angry at the world. You feel so alone, and loneliness is one of the biggest problems of grief. It is your problem because you have to solve it alone.

The first stage of grief is shock, and it helps temporarily. A grieving person is not overwhelmed by the tremendous loss of the loved one immediately after death. There are many things to do and you do them automatically. I kept very busy and tried not to think about my friend being gone and hoped for a better tomorrow. Soon I realised that my best friend was gone and religious faith could not help me. I looked for answers and there were none. I kept thinking "What now, what will I do without her? I miss her." People react to grief in different ways. I have the need to believe that my best friend exists somewhere but I do not know where. Will I see her again? I do not know but hope I will. My belief is based on my emotional need and not on my reasoning.

As I progressed through the stages of grief, I had the usual psychosomatic symtoms: my body ached and the emotional tension was getting to me. I could not sleep and was tired. I had pushed myself while she was ill for six months, and her death affected me greatly. My optimistic attitude vanished when she died.

At times after her death I was absentminded; felt panicky; and did not function the way I wanted to. I know the various stages of grief are normal, but unless you know this you think something is wrong with you.

I had a few guilt feelings. I should have realized my friend had cancer. There was no way I could have known. She did not complain about feeling ill and cancer slowly attacked her body. Guilt is a common reaction for a grieving person.

I also felt angry about many things. She was too young to die but who is to know when it is the right time to die? For some unknown reason it was her time. I do not not why it had to be now.

Grief cannot be hurried, but eventually an emotional balance returns to the grieving person. You cannot bring back the one you love but you have to face reality. A change has occured in my life, and my life must now have more meaning. I watched my best friend fight to live and stood by as she accepted death. She knew there was not much hope for her and became very brave. I could not disappoint her and I had to be strong for her.

My grief consumes me at times but I will learn to live with my loss. I cannot forget my best friend, and for now her death is too much for me to comprehend. However, I have to continue on. It takes time to reduce grief. I am trying to move forward. My friend would not want me to spend most of my time grieving for her. She always told me to "forge ahead," and I will make the effort for her. I will do whatever I can to the best of my ability. It seems such a loss for someone as vital as Dawn to be gone. When death strikes it is a terrible blow and the pain is tremendous. I know it takes time to heal a painful wound, especially one affecting your heart. I cannot give up and am trying to make my life significant.

What is a meaningful life and who can explain death? There are no answers available. The answers are within a person. Whatever makes you content and secure in life - that is the answer to the questionof existence. Ambition, goals to achieve, and hope in the future make life worth living.

I can accept the fact that I will die someday, but it was difficult to accept the fact that my friend was dying at an early age; however she accomplished many of her goals. I had to let go of her when there was not much hope.

I wished she had talked to me more about life and death because she knew she was dying. It is upsetting for a terminally ill patient to discuss death with one she loves. We were very fond of each other, and I will always miss her. She enjoyed living and had to accept the tribulation of death. Towards the end she realised I could accept the fact she was leaving me. She was brave and I had to be also. I am glad I was with her. She had a peaceful death and did not die in vain.

Many peolpe donated money in her memory ( to the hospital ) and it will be used for research and I am grateful. For Dawn to live on in memory for a worthy cause is something I am proud of. I am sure she would be very surprised. She meant so much to so many people and did not realize it. Sometimes we are so busy living that we forget to let others know how much we care, and we take too much for granted. I am guilty of this also.

If my writing makes you stop and think about life and death, and gives you some insight, then I have accomplishedsomething in a small way. I know my friend's death made my life more meaningful..... may she rest in peace and I have the will to continue to have "the will to believe."