Decoding Lover's Jealousy - The green eyed Monster is wiser than you think - UR fantasies are killing your relationship

Jealousy is the number one reason relationships lose communication. When communication and trust are gone the relationship is doomed, its just a matter of time before you irritate each other and stop trusting one another and passion cannot survive where trust doesn't live, or worse it flips polarities and instead of having no passion you have negative and impactful passion that drives you apart violently.

Think of trust as the carbon dioxide you give a plant when you breathe on it, and passion is the oxygen it returns to you. Trust and passion are to a relationship as the symbiotic relationship of oxygen and carbon dioxide to a plant. You choke the oxygen or carbon dioxide and the relationship goes to hell, same with trust.

When you trust your partner, and are yourself not doing aything wrong (including fantasizing about other men/women), you don't get jealous (unless you have self esteem and security issues) because even if they look at another attractive person you can read their body language to determine if their just looking (we all have a right to look, their going to do it when your not there anyway so why torture yourself or them? why should they have to pretend?) as in she's attractive (and that's it) or if their "thinking" I want to hit that.

The problem with men is most men ARE thinking sexual fantasies when they see an attractive woman and their signifigant other picks up on this "Lovers Language" in their body language. Men are endowed with hormones that cause them to become horny pretty easily when they see an attractive woman, but if they want to keep their lover happy they better learn to control their thoughts as well as their actions.

One of the reasons people cheat is they endulge in what seems like an innocent private fantasy with another person. Depending on the fantasy this may not be too bad- if it doesnt repeat, but if its an intense orgasmic type fantasy (for example say a man masturbates while his wife is away while fantasizing about a girl at his work) it will have an impact on his ability to stay faithful, and to even enjoy his lover with compelte passion.

This takes us back to the "Lovers Language" which is essentially the body language of lust. We read our lover like we read ourselves in a mirror, (unemotionally speaking that is) we see what they are thinking because we understand their body language "code". As we grow and evolve so does our code, however if your constantly with someone, living with them and seeing every moment of their life, your definition of their language is also evolved so you, unlike those who don't spend quite as much time with them, know them better and more "intimately".

What strikes a shiver into your spine is when they subtly change their language, especially if they had a routine that barely changed. If they found passion someowhere else it will become reflected in their entire language structure (body language, movement, vocal tones/inflections even their way of touching you). You know when they are getting passion from another sourse because they start to deteriorate in the passion they give you since their attention is now split, you being the old the other being the new. It doesnt neccessarily have to be a person, but the shift almost always is seen as this subconciousely to the lover who feels "neglected".

We don't realize it but we also project our own internal world onto our lover and so we see ourselves alot in them. It's but an imaginary projection, a perception, but when we feel guilty or do something wrong we always see it in them, especially our lover because our intimate feelins for them color the projection. For example if we cheated and are hiding it we see the cheating projected on them (as if their cheating) and start to accuse them of our parinoid delusions. This is how our thoughts manifest, they always manifest. If you thought your thoughts just swim around benighnly in your head, think again!

When we feel threatened by our lover looking at another woman for example its usually not them were worried about, but ourselves.

If we've cheated or had impure thoughts (ones we can't share without repercussion) about others like if your a woman and were thinking naughty thoughts of a guy at work or something, and your with this guy who's looking at that girl, what threatens you isn't that he's being or going to be unfaithful, its because you feel guilty for you yourself doing what you'd feel hurt if he did.

When he looks at this girl, you fear a.) He'll find out about your thoughts or b.) he'll do it too which you'll feel hurt. One rule of thumb to help you avoid this, if you can't take it happening to you, don't do it to them.. sure its your own private thoughts but our thoughts always end up reflecting off those we care about, especially if you know if you told him, hey hunny I was thinking sexual thoughts of this guy at work, that you knew it would hurt him.

The other thing to consider is if he loves you this means he can read your every tiny body language, vocal inflection, he can tell when your lying and when your thoughts stray from ONLY him as a lover (on the mental front). He picks it up intuitively and psychically, a simple conversation on the phone will tell him a lot.

If you indulge in this fantasy you will change, Realize were creatures of manifestation, our thoughts become real, they shape everything in our lives, if you think it you will see it eventually manifest in some form in the real world (source The Secret DVD)

You will subtly act different and it will snowball to worse guilt and more, which you will see projected on him when he does anything remotely triggering to your memory of what you indulged in, from looking at a girl for one second too long to saying thank you to a hot waitress with an innocent smile on his face and a twinkle i his eye. He will do nothing wrong but you will over analyze his actions because all you'll see is your own guilt.

The whole thing in this scenario is your own fault for doing what you'd not want him to do, even if it was innocent it strikes fear into you when you see him looking, and you label his actions according to your fear/guilt. Solution? Don't do anything you don't want him to do and liberate yourself.. Thoughts are not benign, and this scenario proves it! It's not that he will know you thought sexually of someone else, its that YOU will know and build a filter, and strain the rest of the world through it!

This KILLS passion, which is a free agent. A liberated feeling of trust breeds trust.. so monitor and be responsible in your thoughts as well as your actions, thinking is no different from doing it, rule of thumb, if you can't tell him about it, then its a toxic thought, so stop before it hurts your relationship! Passion in a lot of relationships are infected by this seemingly benign type of thing. Think as if everyone can hear you because eventually through your actions, fears, filters, and expectations.. They will eventually manifest so they can hear you anyway... And the consequences can be very humbling.

Here's where people get offended by their girlfriend hanging out with "past lovers". The reason is that these past lovers can still read the language and if she just happens to be thinking of you he'll see this language and may mistake it as flirting towards him.

The other thing is especially if they just broke up and the emotions are still ripe even after several months (the intimate ones not the I want him or her back ones) and she gets a call, talks to them or sees or hangs out with them, the ex may subconsciously have those feelings around her and may voluntarily or not throw those signals at them which shows their still interested..

The rational fear that things could "ignite" again is there. The cooling off period after a long term relationship is supposed to neutralize these feelings and thus the new lover can enjoy them exclusively.(that's just but one reason for the cooling off period). I go deeper into the Lover's Language concept in the science of passion hub towards the middle of the article. I wanted to touch on it here because its an important reason people don't trust their lovers with their ex's, a subconcious language exists and when someone else has slept with your lover they "Know" this code.

How cheating happens, passion is murdered by innocent thought indulgences, and why thought control and devotion of thoughts as well as mind body and spirit to your lover is essential to sustain that passion you have when you first meet.

I want to talk for a paragraph of two about thoughts and how they can deteriorate passion, trust and more. Thoughts are not things you can keep to yourself. Your thoughts express themselves through your environment. If you think things about another guy you cant tell your lover about, he will find out, not by you telling him, but by your later feeling guilty, talking in your sleep is also a possibility!

Take into consideration that 80% of a relationship is forged and exists in the mental and emotional planes. If you cheat on your boyfriend by sleeping with another man EVEN IN A HARMLESS FANTASY you're cheating on him as far as karma and the laws of the universe go. What's worse is you did it in the very realm the love and passion exist in!

"Your in my heart" is really stating your essence, what I love about you exists in my mental state, the section of my mental real-estate that is charged with love and manifests in what I do for you, how I touch you etc.. if you violate this realm thinking that fantasy is harmless, think again. Thoughts become things - The Secret DVD I suggest if you don't agree with this you go watch that movie and what the bleep do we know as well (you can rent both).

I've seen more cheating in fantasy kill relationships than all the physical cheating in the world combined. One thing it leads to often is fantasy while having sex with your lover. The innocent fantasy means nothing you think but you see this person over and over and the fantasy felt good, you indulged; this starts to deteriorate your relationship at home because it robs you of your full focus of love and your emotional love for your lover.

You eventually start to see (out of your own guilt) him doing things that he's not doing, you start to subconsciously compare him to this guy you fantasized about, and as this other guy isn't in the stressful mix of bills and all the other responsibilities that you and your lover share, this other guy feels less taxing on your emotions, so its actually an unfair assessment this comparison!

Before you know it you feel the relationship stale, and its you not him that caused it to snowball to where it ends up, so your making love to him one night and the other guy pops into your head and now you decide to spice up the "boring" sex with this guy replacing your lover in real time.. When you reach orgasm he's astonished at how much energy you had but has no idea it wasn't him that provoked it.. Eventually cheating will ensue or the relationship will lose passion and neither of you will realize what happened.

In relationships I make sure to keep cheating type thoughts out of my head, for this reason, and if I see a girl and think she's cute, I tell my girlfriend. I always have this talk about being honest with each other, and so we don't hide anything, this keeps the trust going and the bad thoughts from happening.

Rule of thumb don't think it if you can't talk about it with your lover (where he's concerned i.e. sexual fantasies) if you are committed to him you should be 100% committed, Body spirit AND MIND. Passion is drastically affected by this and no one wants to believe it.. Relationships don't just go stale, something has to change. This doesn't mean the other party wont do this too, and the deterioration becomes incredibly swift..

The problems all stated above can be dissolved with simply communication, not paranoia, not guess work, not accusations or animosity. If you always have an open conversation with your lover, don't force them to hide things they think about by punishing them for telling you! Communication will make your relationship stronger and more secure. I recommend if your relationship is in turmoil and jealousy is already setting in that you pick up Dr. Phil's book Relationship rescue. This book isn't about the relationship as the title suggests, its about resolving Yourself so you can react to your partner with more intelligence, more compassion, and more love. You can't change her you can change yourself however.

I would also suggest any new couple read this book together (separately or together, their are exercises that you will want to keep the answers to yourself for best results).. as I've found this book taught me to maintain more respectful relationships. If you have any questions leave a comment and I'll address it. I'd love to add to this hub but am not sure what else to add, so if I didn't address your curiosity please leave feedback or questions in the comments box and I'll add the answers back or in this hub if they warrant an upgrade module to this hub's base article.

Good Luck! If you want advice on how to keep amazing passion in your relationship see my hub on The Science of passion! or How to Kiss intoxicatingly! (Not exact wording)