The Onset of the Abyss 

I was fifteen and my dad had just ended a long-term relationship with a woman I really cared about. This woman had been like a mother figure, even though I still had my mother in my life. When my dad ended the relationship I stopped trusting him and didn't talk to him for a while. 

My sleep became erratic. I would cry myself to sleep most nights, if I got to sleep at all. I didn't want to do anything and my friends had to force me to go out. It was like coaxing a skittish cat out from underneath the stairs. I was suddenly afraid of everything and it made no sense. What made less sense is that nobody seemed to realize my pain. 

So she's actually sick?

After the horrible summer that I endured I started my sophomore year in high school and it was too much for me to handle. I had a full course load and everything was piling on me and it seemed like just when I'd think things couldn't get any worse, I'd prove myself wrong and spiral downwards.

I finally had a breakdown while I was home alone one night. I was chatting online with some of my friends but all I could say was, "I can't do this anymore." I was hysterical and my breathing was impossible. It was the first panic attack I had ever experienced and I had no idea what was going on. All I knew is that I wanted to end it and the end meant killing myself. 

Luckily, my friend is a boy scout and had learned what to do if a friend ever put him in that situation. He called my mother at 11:35 PM and told her that he suspected I was going to kill myself. My mom rushed over to my dad's house and it took me until I went to college to be allowed to stay home alone again. 

Treatment

Treatment was and is a continuing process. I went to an outpatient clinic in which they put me on so many medications I was permanently stoned. I tried Prozac, Lexapro, Abilify, and others while I was there but after four months and my symptoms getting worse I was put in a residential treatment program. 

I went to this particular treatment program at Rogers Memorial Hospital in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin twice. They saved my life by helping me build my self-esteem, learning to work past my anxiety, and got my medications figured out. I was put on Xanax XR, Effexor XR, Clonazapam, and Gabatril. These meds helped me feel better and I was stable enough to go home. 

Staying Safe

After treatment my school social worker and my dad helped me rediscover my love for horses. We found a therapeutic stable, Reins of Change, that provided me a safe place to think and be myself. I made the best friend I could have possibly wanted in the form of an Anglo-Arabian horse. Zach has helped me a lot. 

On top of having just Zach, I have my trainer at Reins of Change, Amy. Amy is someone who I trust and who has showed me alternate ways of coping with problems. She helped me learn that I don't need to use self-destructive behavior to help myself. Besides dealing with horses she helped me discover my love for writing and the horses continue to give me constant inspiration for my writing. '

If I have learned anything...

I have learned that it's not impossible to overcome obstacles and also that there are alternate ways to cope with what seems impossible.