Ask any of my family or friends what I was like when pregnant and they'll usually respond with a nervous laugh and a roll of the eyes. Some may even start to weep at the sheer thought of it. My husband truly deserves a medal for what he went through, as do I. I was the pregnant woman from hell. I hated nearly every minute of it.

I thought long and hard and have decided to acknowledge that pregnancy wasn't all bad by starting this hub with the things I enjoyed about pregnancy before telling you why it was so bloody awful. So here is my list of the good things:

• my little "parasite" (as we affectionately called our unborn child) kicking and growing. Feeling her grow gave me some pleasure out of an otherwise horrible experience.
• people giving me chairs, being allowed to sit all the time. I'm quite a lazy person and in pregnancy I made sure that I never stood unnecessarily.
• labour (yes, that's right, labour) as it meant that very soon I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore.

I guess I want to write this for myself as I never thought I'd ever recover when pregnant and am very pleased to have come out the other side and for all those people who may be suffering as I write. I hope this cheers you up a little and lets you know that you are not alone. When I was very depressed in pregnancy I felt very alone, very crazy and felt like a complete failure. I felt like a failure as a woman, partner, person, baby carrier, employee and friend.

Conception was great from what I can remember, so that wasn't bad but a few weeks after things started to go downhill. I think it's fair to say that I was in denial for a while. I felt sick, had sore boobs and I had a general weird feeling for a couple of weeks before I got a testing kit. Then came the line. I was shocked. I knew that I could get pregnant, I just thought that given my heavy history of partying, that I might have to be off the pill and trying for a while before I got pregnant. I was wrong. Pill packet over, rolling about and line happened within weeks of each other. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to have got pregnant as there are a lot of women out there who can't. So here is how pregnancy affected me

• So the "morning" sickness kicked in well and truly in week 6 and didn't stop until she was out. I seriously threw up during the whole pregnancy and even did a bit in labour. I was unable to hold down most things. I threw up first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I was constantly sucking on sweets to try and keep my glucose levels up as this helps and then I'd throw them up. I was a vegetarian and couldn't bear the smell of vegetables cooking. One of the only things I could stomach was ice cream and coca cola which I didn't drink prior to pregnancy. I constantly worried that my child would be deficient in everything as I was so ill, but she was fine, it was only me who felt like crap.
• Metalic taste. Whatever the hell that was and whatever caused it I never knew, but it was constant. Never went until she came up. Within minutes of her being born I was aware that it had gone and that I felt normal. For the first time in months. I was so relieved, I can't tell you.
• Your body is not your own. My life changed from the moment I saw that line and from that moment on your body is not your own. It is truly beautiful to make a life and carry a child, However I found it also very oppressing and judgemental and controlling the way that women are treated in pregnancy and how they are seen as irresponsible if they don't follow every rule and criminal if they even consider doing something that carries a slight risk of anything. I consider myself a responsible person but what I hated were the looks and the constant reminding that you can't do this or that or eat that or be around that. It really, really pissed me off and I think it definitely increased my levels of anxiety and contributed to my depression. I hate being told what to do, but in pregnancy a lot of people feel completely at ease telling you what you should or shouldn't do often while doing said prohibited behaviour in your face. This led me to rarely go out and feel very shit and angry.
• In the second trimester I was signed off work and didn't return until she was 3 and a half months old. This was a devastating blow to my confidence and esteem. I work as a programme tutor and struggled to get through any sessions without having to run for the toilet bowl. Not only was it embarrassing, it was also stressful for colleagues and students. It became worse when my emotions and feelings became almost impossible to keep in check. Tears would well, anger would boil and generally I was a complete nervous wreck.
• Peeing, like you wouldn't believe. No-one gets away from this.
• Heart burn. Never experienced this before pregnancy or since. Just like to say stupid name, should be called "acidic throat reflux" or something.
• Happy "blooming" pregnant woman. Have to say felt incredibly jealous and pathetic around other pregnant women who l felt were much better than me at everything. Their ability to be "good" pregnant women just made me feel like even more of a failure.
• Relationships with my family were deeply affected and still haven't fully recovered. There was a serious lack of understanding about the issue and a few of my family members felt I was just being "weak" and needed to "pull myself together". Hard to deal with this when you are reaching out for help and people are just telling you to sort yourself out. It made me realise who was there for me and who wasn't. Unfortunately, my family let me down.

But there is some consolation and positivity to be taken from my experience. It is through my traumatic pregnancy that I am convinced that I had a good birth. Having been signed off work gave me lots of time to mentally and emotionally prepare for my new baby. In those months were I was at home before the birth I had a lot of time to think about what was going to happen and by the time the first contractions hit, there was nothing going to stop me getting that child out.

Pre pregnancy depression I feel curbed post pregnancy depression. As someone who is prone to depression, I was very worried about what things would be like when she was born, but to my relief and joy I didn't have any signs of depression after her birth. Now, I look back and am grateful that I got the depression out of the way when pregnant rather than when she was a newborn. It meant that I have the most wonderful memories of my new baby and look back with pride at how I dealt with labour and new motherhood.

Depression in pregnancy is something that isn't understood very well and the lack of support that I received from medical professionals and family members (who are medical professionals) is something for an entirely new hub. But if you are going through it, try and stay positive (I was rubbish at this), remember that it isn't forever (even though it may feel like it) and if anybody asks you how you feel, tell them "I feel blooming! BLOOMING AWFUL!!".