Depression Awareness And More: A Personal Journey

Do you have a depressed family member? If so I encourage you from the bottom of my heart to read through this whole article. Please. If you say you love them than you must follow these helpful hints.

http://www.cignabehavioral.com/web/basicsite/bulletinBoard/familySupportAndDepression.jsp

Strength In Numbers

Family Support And Depression

When a loved one is suffering from depression, the support of friends and - most importantly - of family is crucial in their recovery and return to well-being. The most important thing any family member can do for the depressed person is to offer emotional support. This involves listening without judging, and demonstrating understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement . The second most important thing is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment.

If you are the spouse or guardian, and play the role of primary care-giver for the family member suffering from depression, your role is the most crucial of all. Some suggestions for successfully managing your role include:

Be Realistic:Understand that depression won't just go away on its own or be ‘cured' overnight. Your help, and the commitment of the rest of your family, must be there for the long term. Treatment, which usually consists of behavioral therapy and/or antidepressant medication, requires a dedicated, ongoing effort. Keeping your expectations - and the expectations of the depressed family member - realistic means you both realize that neither is perfect or able to satisfy every need of the other.

Keep Communicating: Sharing intimate feelings, desires, and hopes in any relationship can be challenging, and the added dimension of coping with depression can lead to additional mistrust, anger, and frustration.Don't be afraid to keep your lines of communication open. Look for ways to solve problems as a team, and make sure the person suffering from depression knows you are there for them for the long haul. Balance the needs of the depressed family member with needs of your own, and don't work against each other.

Don't Take It Personally: The effects of depression can put even the healthiest relationships to the test. As couples or families try to cope with depression, family roles and interactions change, and financial status, social and work routines can be disrupted. Remember that the actions of a family member suffering from depression result from depression, and are not aimed against you or the family personally.Keep in mind that mixed feelings are common in those battling depression, but focus on the goal of well-being for the depressed family member.

Don't Forget About Yourself: It's a natural tendency for a caregiver to focus all of his or her efforts and attention on the person suffering from depression However, when that happens the caregiver's own life can suffer dramatically. Try to make sure that your needs are being met. You're not being selfish when you ask for help from other family members, friends, or support groups. When the depressed person isn't feeling like a burden to you, it will benefit you both. Dealing with depression requires ongoing effort, and the more help you have, the better will be your results.

For family members in general, the following tips can provide a useful framework for assisting in the depressed person's recovery:

Acknowledge that the family member is suffering from a real illness and that getting better is a priority for everyone

Understand that depression can change the family member's behavior, and that he or she may at times have a negative outlook

Don't ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist

Recognize that all family members must adjust to new responsibilities, both inside and outside the household

Set a good example for the depressed family member and others by avoiding alcohol and tobacco, and eating a healthy, balanced diet, and exercising regularly. A healthy body is more resistant to mental and physical illnesses.

Don't accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it."

Eventually, with treatment, most people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

Invite the depressed family member out for walks, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently encouraging if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Depression is a real illness that afflicts nearly 20 million people in the United States each year. With proper treatment, and the support of a dedicated family, the chances of recovery are very good.

If you are part of a family coping with depression, or suspect a family member may be showing signs of a behavioral health problem, call your EAP today. It's a toll-free, confidential call that allows you to speak with a clinical professional 24-hours a day, 7-days a week.

This is my first time to try to write out and process all my thoughts about the recent happenings here in my life. It centers around family. Before I go further, I must comment how fucked up it is that family can treat you so much worse than anyone in the world! All the kind strangers that I've met online would never treat me the way some of these so called caring-relatives have.

I want to give a little background as to why this was just the straw that broke the camels back in the whole family situation. When I was first married, dh's dad and step mom were very close to us. Dh had went most of his youth with little contact from his dad and this changed when we were dating as teenagers. They became our pals and family at the same time. We did almost everything together and saw eachother almost every day. Weekly dinners, vacations, coffee and reading the paper...it didn't matter what we did- we just really enjoyed eachothers company. It was actually more myself than dh who always pushed to visit them frequently. If it was up to him at the time he would've just worked in the garage more or done another of his hobbies. I always saw that dh's father was a great husband and father and actually hoped that my own husband would turn out like him as he matured. Step MIL was like a big sis that I never had, a best friend and a maternal figure all wrapped into one. I felt soooooo lucky to have her. I talked to her about everything.

This bond deepened when I had my first baby. This is as you know a trying time in any young woman's life and in many ways I felt so alone and needed her company so bad. None of my friends were married or had babies yet. My mom was trying to get a new business up and running and Step MIL was out on permanent disability and was the best help I could have ever asked for. She was always there for me and dd and I used to come over to her house every day while I was out of work. She taught me a lot about being a good mother to my daughter and I will forever be thankful for this.

Somewhere in this time of dd's first year or so, I started really feeling tension when I'd come over to their house. I tried to ignore it knowing my sensitive ways but eventually I asked Step MIL about it. She told me that she knew I was going to notice and that her older daughter was holding some resentment towards me for being around so much. I believe she felt that I was trying to take over her mom and her house. I was crushed and explained to Step MIL that I really just wanted to be family and friends with all of them. I wanted to be their sister just as much as I was happy to have added new parental figures and friends into my life.

Step MIL told me not to worry about what her oldest dd thought and to keep coming over. I never approached the daughter I don't believe. I guess I was waiting for her to approach me...with an apology actually. Instead, I started coming over less and less and since I was the one in the family who always wanted to maintain the constant contact (dh could have cared less if he ever went over) our time there got more sparse. We stopped family dinners. Never has her dd done anything to make me feel like family or approached the subject even after she had 2 kids herself and saw first hand how difficult it was being a new mom. Many things have happened over the past 11 years since my dd was born that made me feel more and more like an outsider to this family. Actions speak louder than words and even though they told me how much they missed me and wanted me to come visit more, actions spoke louder. We've had several confrontatins over the years that always end with me saying I'll try harder. And I do try harder until something else proves to me that they don't care about me and I should protect myself by staying away.

For example, I remember a very hard year for my dd when she constantly cried to "go, go to ami's house." I used to make up excuses but the honest truth was that she was the first grand child for 2 years but when her oldest dd had her first child, there wasn't much room or time for my dd anymore. I was jealous I admit, but I think I was also a bit wrong. I guess it's only natural in a way when new babies come along and then the family started having more and more babies and they got busier and busier. I know for a fact that Step MIL was worn out with babies and she told me this herself. I understand- her family grew quickly.

The pattern of seeing eachother less and less continued with various blow outs in between spurts of trying to work things out. To this day I"ll never understand my dh didn't receive any of this heat. Why didn't they realize he's the blood relative and blame him for not wanting to see them etc??? It's not like my parents would blame dh if I didn't visit them. It just doesn't make sense??

I'm sure I'm missing lots of little things but to me it was last year when the strained relationship we had took another nose dive. DH and I had separated and they claimed to still be there for me. I wanted to believe them. I even took the kids to family parties (like I always do) without my husband while we were separated and took the kids to hang out at the pool as I sunbathed and chatted with Step MIL.

You can imagine my hurt when during this time I started to hear that they were talking bad about me and what kind of mother I am. My daughter, 10 at the time, came home crying one time and eventually told me that Ami had said things about me and her family that made her sad. In my dd's words she said, "that my 2 kids were overweight because I didn't feed them nutritiously and that I probably didn't even get out of bed to make meals for them." This certainly didn't sit well with me for many reasons and no matter how hard they tried to explain that my dd had misunderstood or heard wrong or whatever, I know the truth and so does dd. To this day she loves her grandparents so much but will still say "I know what they said mommy and they didn't tell the truth when they came over to our house." I believe her!

Dh and I got back together and just a few months ago the kids went over randomly (because I will not ask them to babysit). DD at the time was so excited that she thought we were getting a pool and told her grandparents. Step MIL says "Great, now we'll really never see you. That was the only time your mother came over here was to use our pool" Boy, that sure made me feel like coming over more often! Why, so they can call me a user?? And then my poor son got confused on which cousin was which and whispered to sissy to find out. Step MIL yells at him from the other room: "Maybe if you'd come over more often, you'd know your cousins names!" Now come on here: first of all, if you have a problem you tell the parent not the kid. Also, he has no control of how often he visits especially since dd is the only one who ever gets invited to go over or do anything with them.

Okay...this pretty much brings us to this week. I had a bday to go to. The daughter of oldest SIL. When I went there they all put on a big show like they were my best friends. I actually felt comfortable (a little). I mean not enought to put a bathing suit on in front of these people, but not like they thought I was trash either. Step MIL says over and over to come over next week when the weather warms up and I was actually considering it and thinking how nice it would be to have a family relationship here again.

That changed quickly on Tuesday a.m. when I get a call from the most recent ex of oldest SIL telling me that for about 6 months she and step MIL had been coming on my blog account. They had made up fake screen names to comunicate with me and apparently had all stood around the computer as a family unit (grandparents, SIL, BF, 8 yr. old neice...) LAUGHING and discussing my blog. Getting an especially big kick out of my so called depression. I guess mental illness is excluded in the ailments they believe in. They've commented on my blog and to the whole "peanut gallery of blog readers" that I wouldn't be depressed if I'd get out of bed before noon and do something. First of all, it is apparent here that they really don't know 2 shits about me. I very rarely stay in bed past 10 and this is obviously only when I'm not working. And anyone who knows me knows that I take damn good care of my kids. Whether I'm depressed or not, I am a better Mother than most will EVER be.

DD was with the inlaws when I heard this so I called SIL. I tried telling her it was a family emergency and I needed to meet with her. When she wouldn't bite, I had no choice but to get into it on the phone. I told her all the details I knew and asked her how she could pretend to care about me and do this and why would she do this? She wouldn't admit it and only said it was my problem because she didn't know anything about it.

Ironically, dh was still with her ex and the minute I got off the phone with her, his phone starts ringing off the hook. My husband was there when he called her back and she admitted to doing it and just said "We haven't done that in a month!" As if that makes it better....???

Yesterday, dh went to pick up dd and talked to his dad in the driveway. He laughed in dh's face and made him soooo mad. He tried to justify that we were overreacting and that I forced them into this since it was the only way they could get into our lives. BULLSHIT! If they wanted to get close to me, they could have told me who they were. She could have admitted she did it and took an interest in me finally after 20 years with dh! But no, she lied. They lied. They don't care about me. They proved that. There are a lot of things I am, but STUPID ISN'T ONE OF THEM!

Ask yourself my real friend, while reading this, was it hard to get me to let you into my life? Why do you think I didn't want to visit them? Were there actions what you would have done if you missed me and wanted back into my life??

I think not!

I was sick about this and I let it once again consume me and I generalized how weak it had made me and doubted that I would even be able to start my new job next week. Then I got some good advice from dh and also from some well meaning blog and real friends.

My motto all these years has been kind of like the Jewel Song "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."

Well now I've decided that sensitivity has it's place but some parts of me must "toughen up" and "stick up for myself more" and "believe in myself more".

So, Ive decided that in this situation, I know I'm right so it doesn't matter what they think.

I've also decided that I like who I am and those who don't like me can FUCK OFF!

You know why?? Because I would never mistreat people and so if they have a problem with me and aren't big enough to see me about it in person, but would rather talk about it behind my back...they aren't the kind of people I want in my life or my children's lives.

I am a good person. I am a smart person. I am one of the most compassionate, non-judgemental people I know. I love God and God has always loved me. He will always be on my side and does not want me worrying over what I can't change.

He showed me something else through all this too though, I really do love my dh and I need him and now that these FAKE PEOPLE are out of our lives, we can rebuild our own family and make our own traditions...

based on love, communication, trust, forgiveness

Family is defined by the heartstrings...not by blood...

If you or someone you care about has ever suffered from depression, you know Depression Is Real. But you may have also heard that it's "just the blues" or worse a "made-up disease." Those kinds of statements obscure the real facts about this debilitating and potentially deadly medical condition that affects some 19 million Americans every year.

We think that's dangerous.

Depression in Women:

Contrary to popular belief, clinical depression is not a "normal part of being a woman" nor is it a "female weakness." Depressive illnesses are serious medical illnesses that affect more than 19 million American adults age 18 and over each year.[1] Depression is a treatable medical illness that can occur in any woman, at any time, and for various reasons regardless of age, race or income.

Prevalence

Approximately 12 million women in the United States experience clinical depression each year.[2]

About one in every eight women can expect to develop clinical depression during their lifetime.[2]

Depression occurs most frequently in women aged 25 to 44.[3]

Contributing Factors

Many factors in women may contribute to depression, such as developmental, reproductive, hormonal, genetic and other biological differences (e.g. premenstrual syndrome, childbirth, infertility and menopause).[4]

Social factors may also lead to higher rates of clinical depression among women, including stress from work, family responsibilities, the roles and expectations of women and increased rates of sexual abuse and poverty.[4]

Gender Differences

Women experience depression at roughly twice the rate of men.[3]

Girls 14-18 years of age have consistently higher rates of depression than boys in this age group.[5]

PMS/PMDD

Twenty to forty percent of women may experience premenstrual syndrome and an estimated 3 to 5 percent have symptoms severe enough to be classified as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). [6]

Marriage/Childbirth

Married people have a lower rate of depression than those living alone. However, unhappily married people have the highest rates of depression; happily married men have the lowest rates.[3]

Approximately 10%-15% of all new mothers get postpartum depression, which most frequently occurs within the first year after the birth of a child.[7]

Co-occurring Illnesses

Research shows a strong relationship between eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia nervosa) and depression in women.[8] About 90-95% of cases of anorexia occur in young females.[9] Reported rates of bulimia nervosa vary from one to three out of 100 people.[6]

Research shows that one out of three depressed people also suffers from some form of substance abuse or dependence.[9]

Suicide

Although men are more likely than women to die by suicide, women report attempting suicide approximately twice as often as men.[10]

An estimated 15 percent of people hospitalized for depression eventually take their own lives.[11]

Treatment

Depression in women is misdiagnosed approximately 30 to 50 percent of the time.[12]

Fewer than half of the women who experience clinical depression will ever seek care.[13]

Fortunately, clinical depression is a very treatable illness. More than 80 percent of people with depression can be treated successfully with medication, psychotherapy or a combination of both. [3]

Women's Attitudes Toward Depression:

According to a Mental Health America survey [14] on public attitudes and beliefs about clinical depression:

More than one-half of women believe it is "normal" for a woman to be depressed during menopause and that treatment is not necessary.

More than one-half of women believe depression is a "normal part of aging."

More than one-half believe it is normal for a mother to feel depressed for at least two weeks after giving birth.

More than one-half of women cited denial as a barrier to treatment while 41% of women surveyed cited embarrassment or shame as barriers to treatment.

In general, over one-half of the women said they think they "know" more about depression than men do.

SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION? NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS?

1-800-273-TALK

It's like my heart and my brain are having a boxing match.

Neither one is really winning.

They're both losing.

They're damaging and hurting eachother.

I sit still, but I go through the motions at the same time.

My mind and my heart want more.

It's never enough.

It's never been enough because of the fight inside my own body.

It's a disease with only one cure.

And I'm not talking about antidepressants and other numbing ways.

I'm talking about courage.

Courage.

~Gwen

I had gained my ground and dug in my heels.

Busting out of my comfort zone while still remaining stable.

Using smiles and laughs as my tools and feeling really good.

It's all just a frame of mind, don't you know?

For 2 days I've been happy; so you see it's true.

All these years I've been miserable for nothing!

Positive thoughts, reaching out and communication...

Just like everyone has said all along.

What about now? What's that feeling?

Holy Crap! It was so easy yesterday!

Hold on ; Wait...You can do this!

Positive thoughts: I am stronger than this.

Pulling harder, I feel the effects.

My eyes are burning; throat is blocked

Mind is spinning; Make it stop!

Reach out!

I don't want to do this again. Please stop!

I'm so tired and I know that if I rest, I'm in more danger.

I'm moving slow but still moving.

The weight becomes more and more;

And it pulls me down so that I'm hunched over as I walk.

A moment of clarity comes and I scream "Help!"

Communication: "I need you."

"Please don't wait until I've fallen or have only one foot on the floor.

I need you when I'm happy, but I need you more when I'm sad.

I am trying and I hate being like this. I feel like a burden.

Walk with me and hold my hand, only then will you know when I begin to slip"

~Gwen

I used to think I'd be O.K.

and then life got in the way

Each day I try to get back up

And drink again from my broken cup

Super glue holds for a while

Before long someone in the house is on trial

Fighting hurts and leaves scars

The kind that make you wish you'd been feathered and tarred

It's already obvious from the look on your face

Your feeling regret and disgust at the waste

Do I mask my feelings or let them out?

Do I yell and scream or sit quiet and pout?

Can I help it if they seem irrational and in excess?

A day without a blow up, is it a success?

Lonely, angry and dissappointed

Mostly in me.

Damn you feelings!

Let me be.

What is it that will matter in the end?

Will there be anyone who will call me friend?

What will it take to show me the way?

To self- love....That'll be the day.

All Together

On the outside:

Buttoned up, dressed in black;

Hair pinned up, takes no slack.

A perfect house, picket fence;

Tidy and organized, makes perfect sense.

Designer this and name- brand that;

Never in the sun without a hat.

Kids are quiet, do as they're told;

Do well in school, etiquite class enrolled.

On the inside:

Guarded heart, nerves a mess;

Fear of failure causes stress.

In the home there's quiet, to avoid tears;

Silence and avoidance, more every year.

Kids sad and withdrawn, not knowing why;

Escape through videogames, hearing Mom cry.

2006 Gwen~

9:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove