Divorce Options - How to Split

Ok, you have finally decided, you're splitting up. The hardest part is over. You're 'just' left with two questions:

• What about the kids (if there are children involved)?
  I won't get into that. The arrangements to be made require a seperate hub and who knows, I might publish that at some time too. :)
• What about the belongings and finances?
  There will be assets to be divided among the two of you and this division may be difficult. If you don't watch out, it can be a real pain, a cause for 'war' (remember the War of the Roses?), which will only result in pain.

So what are your options here?

In the Netherlands there are two ways (two types of contract basically) to get married:

• Shared assets
  This is the most common form of marriage. Any assets both partners have are submitted in the marriage, as are any assets acquired during the marriage. Both partners have equal right (50/50) to those assets. Both own half.
• Marital conditions
  An adendum to the wedding papers is drawn up, where each' share of the assets is registered. In addition there will be an agreement on how assets that are acquired during the marriage will be allocated to either one of the partners or the shared assets.

In the second situation things are quite simple: you know exactly what is yours and what is your partner's. There's little to no room for discussion. So I will focus on the first situation in the remainder of this hub.

You may feel a lot of anger, pain and resentment. That's only human. But what will you gain by staying put in that anger?

I'm not going to tell you what to do and what not to do. I'm just going to describe the fighting scenario.

Here's the way I see it: we are all subject to the laws of nature. And the most important law in this respect is that action causes reaction. So if you make it hard on your ex, your ex will make it hard on you. Human behavior. So yes, you may want to stay mad and prepare yourself for a fierce and raging battle over what is yours and what not. It's going to be a fight, which will cost you:

• Time. Time that you could have used to get your life back together and deal with your new situation.
• Stress. Stress you can do without as your new life will be giving you enough stress as it is already.
• Money. Money that will not come to you, nor to your ex, but to attorneys and court. Money that you could have used to settle down.

The end result will be that there will be some judge making the decision for you. And chances are that you will not be content with that decision. So you may ask yourself: is it all worth that?

This does not imply that you have to let your ex get away with everything, mind you. There's a balance to be found.

Well then, here you are. You've got a house, lots of stuff in that house, money on the bank, debts maybe. The legal rule is plain and simple: split it up 50/50. So if you get into discussion about the stuff you own together the ultimate resolution would be to just sell everything and split the earnings. Could it be any more simple?

Yes, it could, but the two of you will have to be willing to make it easier. You see, there will be assets that are personal and mean a lot to either one or both of you. There's more than just economical value. Your spouse may have grown to become attached to the silverwear, simply because it was given to the both of you by her mother. There will be plenty of items that carry emotional value for either one of you. And putting those on eBay then is kind of harsh, isn't it?

Both my ex and I don't care too much about material possessions. Neither one of us was very attached to the televison, stereo set, etc. So we started with those. You take the tv, I'll take the steroset. You can have the car, I can have the bed. This may sound simple, but be aware. Many people tend to grudge the other anything. You have to set your anger and disappointment aside and get the emotions out of the discussion. So before you start discussing who gets what, discuss that first. Come to agreement about this first. If you can't agree to leave the emotions out of it, you will probably be unable to agree on anything.

After everything of significant value had been divided we were left with the little things. China, silverwear, books, cd's. If you're completely honest then you will have to admit that the two of you have different taste. One book or cd will be of more interest to you than to your ex to be. Use that as your guideline. For what remains? It's just stuff. Stuff can be bought over time. Especially if you're the one with the (better paid) job, go easy. You'll feel much better about yourself if you can be generous, trust me. That's what I did. I left my ex in such a state that she wouldn't have to struggle to keep her head above water and I'm glad I did.

As for the house and the debt? Well, we sold the house. From what was left we paid our shared debt and then split up the rest evenly.

Fifty/fifty sounds fair. But is it, really? Don't just look at the past ("we've acquired it together so it equally belongs to her and me"). Keep in mind, that your ex may have quit working or taken a less paid, part time job to take care of the household, which enabled you to pursue your career. Also look at the future. Where will the two of you be after the divorce? If you're safe in your job, assured of a steady income, while your ex has to go out and find (additional) work, is it then fair to simply divide everything by two? If you're entitled (and set up) for a fresh start, isn't it fair if your ex is too?