Why do we push people away when it is an inherent desire to be wanted and loved? Some of us don’t even realize we are doing it until we look back on the parade of individuals, some good, some bad, walking through our past. It is a shockingly hurtful sight to some and they continue to add characters to their line but for me, on this day, it is a lesson I need to learn fast.

I have always tried to be the honest sort, the kind that likes to give everyone a proper "heads-up" just in case something unusual may happen but many times, this has just turned into a disaster of dramatic and semi-hysterical proportions that works to drive love away from me. I forget to consider that I may be the only one who cares in certain situations and the "warning" may be viewed as just unneeded, confusing baggage thrust on someone who is possibly trying to disengage from an experience they really wish they had never had in the first place. Even thinking that dooms me because I have already decided that I am “less than” and deserving of desertion. In trying to be nice and offering an explanation for my behavior, whether it was asked for or not, I set disappointment in motion because no one can measure up to my high expectations. I expect things from people but don’t voice what these expectations are and when they aren’t met? Viola…an excuse to be angry and beat myself up for getting into a rotten relationship or for trusting anyone at all with my heart; a pure recipe for failure.

I suppose the answer would be to stop being so damn nice? How about being just marginally nice and all normal-beige? On the outside that is what I appear to be but on the inside my head took a different road long ago so I do apologize to anyone I have freaked out of late. If you really want "beige" then I am sure there is a whole gaggle of happy little agreeable dolls that never emote or cause embarrassment...check eBay or Craigslist or… any local church!

I have never liked the color beige and can’t fathom acting all wholesome-like...but I should stop pushing people away. Here are some tips to avoid my fate:

1. Seriously learn to love yourself. Write out the crazy things you love, hate, feel annoyed by and be honest about the things you do that others love, hate and get annoyed by! Once you figure those things out stop doing the annoying shit.

2. When someone says they like, love, respect, enjoy you...accept it! If you act like you don't deserve praise and love over and over people will take you seriously and leave. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they offer dumb-ass.

3. Stop waiting for people to disappoint you. Accept that some people will hurt you but also… many will not, that is life but if you let fear keep you from trying to see the good in people then you will miss out on some real gems!

4. Stop the "negative-brain dialogue" about how nothing good will happen and how all people are the same. If you tell yourself that only losers will like you then it is the losers that will come your way! They can hear your negative thoughts and will descend upon you like thirsty vampires. STOP IT NOW because being with a soul-sucker is no fun!

5. Act attractive and you will attract positive people....smile damn you!

“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. Will I ever

learn to do the things I should?”

There are times that I regret being me and think about secluding myself from respectable society because of my Alice in Wonderland approach to solid relationship advice. That is an exaggeration for dramatic effect of course but I do often wonder why some people are cursed with minds that always think about mountain-high "what ifs" and why some people are destined to go over-board and assume a depth of feeling in others that just doesn't exist while missing out on those with a real capacity for love. I'm sure that I am not the only one that feels this way and writing this out does help clear it from my thoughts but it is still a damn shame that I cannot sit and just "be" without worrying about how others perceive me or how I may be affecting them. There is a good reason why I typically keep people at arm’s length and hide behind self-deprecating humor and sarcasm. I rarely run into people I deem worthy of giving a private viewing of the inner workings of my mind and the last one I thought was worthy I married…note the “I thought” part but we won’t get into that right now. Maybe later, if you still want to have anything to do with me! I will understand if you don’t…I ALWAYS understand because given the ability to switch places, I’d probably haul-ass myself.

So, back to the reason I drive people away. I feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast so in the end what I give is never equal to what I receive. It's something that I view as a failing because I look around and see others engaging in what I think are simple human connections, interactions without worries about whether something was said or done to offend or whether their personality was just too intense to handle. Man, being human sucks massively but it won’t stop me. I will go on and on, riding this merry-go-round of unintentional insult and misunderstanding because it gives me something to write about and that is what makes me tick, it is what keeps me young and alive. When a relationship is new it is all fun and games and you feel ageless but when a shit storm starts brewing the weight of countless age’s hits like every old-age mental and physical calamity known to man, all wound up in a big Bengay scented ball! That realization freaks people out because when your "insides" age the outside follows suit quickly leaving you no choice but to hang it up and shuffle into a musty grave, alone! Boo hoo…

Knowing how to figure out my kind isn’t hard if you always assume that a vast percentage of what is said while laughing is the truth and that which is uttered or written in a serious tone is never as bad as it is made out to be. Dramatic effect...remember? This is what is known as an “escape clause” because creatures like me automatically assume that people will eventually want to run. So, to anyone I have pushed away or will push away in the future, be free and thanks for the material I suppose. I’d rather have a real relationship but since that seems unlikely I will dedicate my next book to you. Just giving you a heads-up!