Does Age Matter in Relationships?
87Does Age Matter in Relationships?
The question of whether or not age is a matter of concern in relationships has often been debated by family and friends. The simple answer to the question is ‘yes’. Where the issue grows interesting is taking a look at how age differences influence relationships. There are issues that need to be considered with relationships that have a noticeable difference in age. These issues are not insurmountable, yet they are obstacles that must be considered and dealt with if the relationship is going to be successful and meaningful to both parties.
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The Cohort Effect
One thing to consider is the cohort effect. The term cohort effect comes from the social sciences. It is used in describing what groups have in common or in variation from other groups. The term ‘cohort’ is used to describe the group of people within +/- 6 years of the target population. This age spread represents a group that has had similar social experiences. Theoretically they grew up sharing similar music, culture, and events. People within the cohort will have more in common than those outside of the cohort.
Cohort effect has been used in studying psychological, epidemiological and financial information. These studies often enable researchers to understand more about human behavior and health. There are significant commonalities within cohorts in terms of their behaviors, needs and resources.
The further away one is from the cohort, the less in common the two groups will share. With an age difference of 6-12 years, it is considered a cohort and a half. People from the two groups will share many things, yet may find themselves out of sync with each other on some matters.
With an age difference of 12-18 years, the two people are two cohorts apart from each other. There will be significant differences in their worldviews. They will have significantly less in common and fewer cultural reference points that the two of them can agree on. At times, it may seem as if they grew up in two different worlds. When relationships evolve between people from two cohort distance or more, there are often concerns expressed about the relationship as to whether something is wrong with the persons as to why they are not associating with their own cohort.
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Biological Differences
Another major concern is the difference in biological functions. As people grow older their biological drives and needs change. When a relationship forms from the same cohort, these issues can be addressed at the same time. When there is a significant difference in cohorts, the needs of the persons will not be in sync with each other. As one party is wanting to experience life, the other may be wanting to take it slower as they deal with declining abilities. In the early days of a relationship, the differences may be stimulating and exciting, yet as the relationship matures, those same differences may lead to conflicts and fights.
Age differences do matter in relationships as they color and impact the relationship in major ways. In these days of people being in and out of failed relationships, it behooves couples to strive for having more things in common rather than differences. Couples having more commonalities often weather crises and pressures better than those that have little in common.
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Gypsy Willow,
I am glad that your relationship worked. There are many that do. With some couples, age is not a big issue. I have also seen relationships where age was a major contributor to violence in the home. Have seen both outcomes, I encourage people to at least be aware of the potential issues and go into it with your eyes open and realistic expectations. That is why I take the position that it matters, although it is not necessarily a relationship breaker in some cases.
I thank you for valuable information you gave us. It is very important. My experience is different since our relationship was great but as you said it cannot be generalized.
Vladimir,
Thank you for your encouragement. This topic is often one that is debated within families. I tried to deal with it even handedly and in terms of the research on the topic. With most persons the age difference is insurmountable, yet those that have made it work, it works well for them.
I think this is mostly true, Tom. Some are lucky enough to overcome the differences. From my own experience, I have found that a big difference can limit the time reference which we use for stimulating discourse. It's also interesting to consider a difference in intellects. Just substitute the word "intellect" for the word "age" and your article works (with a few minor changes in verbage, of course, but the outcomes are the same.)
Great article!
Christoph,
Thanks for stopping by. People do not often consider that the age difference is also a difference in intellect, sex drive, body decline, and emotions. It involves many areas, which few tend to consider and look at in the long term perspective.
I would say it matters a lot. My foster daughter is 46 now and living with a 22 year old. They have been together on and off since he was 19. She is so much more of a mother to him than a girlfriend, she even admits it. He is immature, whines, is uneducated (dropped out of high school, and they have nothing in common. She says she stays because she feels sorry for him because his mother died when he was 8. His father is a real Jerk. He is a Jerk too! She should have adopted him instead!
Kebennett1,
I believe that age does matter. There have been some people that have managed to handle it, yet they are the minority. The majority of relationships with big age differences often contain many problems that puts added stress on the relationship.
JD, this title lured me right in. Having had the experience of a relationship in two cohorts apart, I realized, like you say, that age does matter.
Without going into detailed information, I can say that the one thing that made the biggest difference with age in that relationship was with energy levels. And his energy, vitality, excitement level made me very unhappy.
Needless to say, we are now 1000 miles apart.
My father and step-mother, on the other hand have stuck it out. They are in a 23 year age difference marriage for 25 years. It hasnt been easy and I dont know how they have managed to do it.
Here again, I wont go into details but they hardly do anything together and it is evident that they are equally unhappy.
It is ashame really, to watch it go on, as they pave a way to make it last.
newsworthy,
I had not thought of the energy level factor. That can be a major factor. It saddens me to hear about the 1000 miles apart, especially since you two are in the same house.
I suspect that in some of the previous generations couples made age differences work, since they had to in many cases. Necessity has a way of changing relationship dynamics. Although many people think that 'love' alone will make it work, it takes more than that these days.
Hi JD, re: especially since you two are in the same house:
It isnt that way at all and it's reference was nearly 7 years ago.
newsworthy,
Sorry. I read too much into the comment. Thank you for clarifying it.
JD, its quite alright to think of me as connected. My purpose for clarifying was to keep my status as single :)
newsworthy,
gotcha. I never bother to ask if people are connected or single when I am on hubpages.
I am so imressed with your explanation sometime you feel that thing but you don't have words to express them you explain it so beautifully.Initially the attraction works but later on the age,culture,biological differences these all things matter after the attraction is over. so one shld always keep in mind those factor might be the person who is younger does have the chance to start up his or her life again but the person whos is older will be nowhere and so always think twice to take any step. very nice hub
Kunika,
Thank you for your kind words. Experience in helping others through such issues and working with people have allowed me to put words on many of the struggles that people go through and the issues they face. Large differences in ages do present a fact that people need to consider.
JD, Re: gotcha. I never bother to ask if people are connected or single when I am on hubpages.
Likewise
I don't think age matters in a relationship. But one must weigh the pros and cons before getting into such a relationship. I have written a Hub on such relationship. i would appreciate if you visit the hub.
Anamika S,
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your input. I read your hub and enjoyed it. I know that there are age differences in many relationships. The point of controversy is the amount of age difference. Your hub mentions the differences in ages, but never tells how many years age difference there is in those couples. Problems arise when the age difference is too much.
I also have to wonder about when someone wants a spouse that mothers or fathers them. Such relationships have deeper issues at play than they are openly discussing.
I also recognize that the some cultures are accepting of major differences in ages between spouses. In previous ages, such differences would not be a major issue. In the modern world, things change so fast, that such differences are a matter of concern for the quality of relationship.
Excellent article! I agree wholeheartedly about the kinds of problems that can occur, however, I think the research suffers from a lack of construct validity. You can definitely dissociate age from the actual factors that are causing these relationship problems, age only correllates with these factors, it doesn't necessarly cause them. Age is not nearly as important as shared experiences, desires and other commonalities. Also, wanting to experience life versus wanting to take things slow is not a biological difference, although those can definitely be a major factor. I know men in their late fifties who are in better shape and have more energy than men in their twenties, so is the causal factor in that relationship problem age? Or lifestyle?
I feel that for many relationships, age does not matter, although it can. However, as the age gap increases I feel it is more likely that age will play a significant roll. Young people can have the maturity of those much older, and older people can be incredibly immature, but after the age gap becomes so great, I think it will be very unlikely that the two will be able to line up very many commonalities.
In sum, I think that age matters only in very large difference, and even then it is a poor measure of what is actually causing the relationship isues (perhaps a convenient predictor, but a terrible measure nonetheless)
Thanks for the great hub! :)
Pandemic Press,
Thanks for stopping by. In dealing with the age factor and relationships, there are many issues to be considered. I appreciate your input on the question.
The age versus lifestyle can be a difficult matter for people to consider.
For all intents and purposes, for the average person, I think your hub is excellent! It's just the psychology student in me to nit-pick details :) (Even now I'm thinking of possible experiments in my head to separate age from its confounding variables!)
Pandemic Press,
I can appreciate the psychology student wanting to nit-pick details, especially having taught psychology for several years. Experience has taught me that there is a time and place for it.
It is a given that psychology students are often the most experimented on group of students at universities. They are also taught vast amounts of minutia that has limited usefulness. It took me a few years to 'unlearn' the minutia mindset when working in a clinical setting so as to know when it applies and when it does not. Researchers often make things more complicated than they need to be or do not let the public know what they need to know due to the politics of research psychology.
Yes I could have talked about the many intervening variables, yet the lay public often is not interested or are easily confused by such concepts. Since there are always outliers, I chose an answer that would apply to the largest population. In my approach, I laid out variables to consider (cohort effect and biological differences) and what makes them important to consider.
I also gave my simple answer to the question, which is yes, age does matter. A question that I did not address but would merit further exploration is "How much does age matter?" and "Is age the most important matter?". There is also the analytic side of me that also considers what would motivate a person to ask a question about whether or not age being a concern. if they felt alright about it, the question would not have come up in the first place. I am sure that you have developed quite a few questions yourself, which I hope that you explore on hubpages. The site provides an interesting venue in which to address such concerns.
WEll Let's see: different people with different level of consciousness react differently to different situations. Dating an older person doesn't have to be a scientific act but just a love, sexual connection. Just like when people of different ethnic groups date. It is simply being aware of the differences in the other and celebrate the other as you want to be celebrated. Age doesn't affect love and matters of the heart.
Penina,
Thank you for stopping by. Although it sounds romantic to say that dating an older person is just love and sexual connection, in cases where there is a significant age difference (10+years) there are other underlying issues at work. These issues need to be addressed rather than ignored. If there is a need for a father figure or a mother figure, or an inability to be intimate with people of one's age group, such issues need to be addressed rather than ignored in the name of romanticism. Acting like those issues do not exist can set the stage for problems in the relationship.
The people with large age differences may call it love or a 'sexual connection'. The question still arises as to the reasons they crave a 'sexual connection' with a person with such a large age difference. In my hub, some of the areas that they need to consider are addressed.
Some people address and work through such issues. Many people who fall into such relationships do not consider those issues. The issues may not show up initially, but eventually they do, and the differences often lead to significant strains on the relationship.
i love your topic so much it doesnt mean
Hi Mr.JD,
I am in a relationship with someone who is more than two cohorts apart. He is the oldest between us. I see what you are saying about the differences in social experience because he just retired and now going through "Man-a-pause" stage. For the most part, we have the same energy level, connected spiritually, and he has also shown me how much he really does love me unconditionally and have plans to marry me as well.
garynina05,
Thanks for stopping by. It sounds like you and your significant other are aware of the differences and are working with them. That is the healthy approach to the matter of age differences. People get themselves into trouble in such relationships when they have expectations that the relationships will operate by the same rules and activities are a same cohort relationship.
Yes, it is true age matters a lot. I had i lover who was 5 years older than me. i came to realize that, some years to come, the girl will grow old and i will therefore look out for a girl of my age so not to disappoint someones love, i had to quit the relationship to bring peace. So yes age matters.
Peter atta gyamfi,
If one is looking for compatibility and shared common experiences, age is a factor. Some couple values other aspects of relationships and downplay these qualities. To them excitement, security, or some other factor may be the quality which they value the most.
Thanks for stopping by.
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Gypsy Willow says:
5 months ago
My experience was excellent with someone 2 cohorts younger. The reason we split was not age difference our 20 yrs together were great. Age is just a number in MHO.