Frankly, it scares me witless! To think that something that started off as purely functional has now become an ‘industry' that a lot of people take very seriously is frightening enough. The fact that I can't understand the phenomenon at all is secondary.

When Early Man was covering himself with scraps of animal hide to preserve his modesty one imagines he wasn't particularly concerned with cut and colour. Of course one can't with any authority really say the same for Early Woman. She was probably rejecting bearskins for the more glamorous tiger pelt but even she had to settle for what she could get. And the string of bones around her neck could do with a bit of polish but hey, it was neutral enough to go with everything.

So when did basic clothing and accessories capture the imagination, and pockets, of people across the world (and beyond perhaps, some of those aliens are quite nattily dressed) to the extent it has? When did function become Fashion? When did people stop dressing to suit the weather or the levels of modesty prevailing in that era, and start being outfitted according to trends decided by someone with nothing better to do than play around with scraps of fabric and an overactive imagination?

Which in itself might have been alright if those who worshipped at the altar of Fashion did it quietly, happy to get a few admiring looks each time they pirouetted around in some ridiculously expensive creation (they're always creations, Fashion doesn't recognise words like clothes or outfits). But no. That would quite defeat the purpose. What is the point of devoting your energies and bank balance to pursuing this amazing phenomenon if no one is even aware of it?

You can't escape the propaganda. Everywhere you look they're promoting some eccentric designer, a line of completely unwearable but spectacularly flamboyant apparel, shoes that look like they couldn't support a stick, and hideous handbags that you should be slavering for because they have someone's initials stamped all over. Switch on the television and you're being bombarded with incomprehensible fashion shows; open a magazine and the latest bizarre trends stare accusingly out at you from the glossy pages.

What's someone with no interest in being fashionable do? I'm scared to open a magazine today; the dreaded word has even slipped into those that have nothing to do with the Fashion industry. There you are reading a current affairs magazine and behold...a section devoted to festive trends! If you aren't planning to invest in the right kind of sparkly clothes you are definitely not going to be the flavour of the season. They are going to overlook you for someone with more pizzazz, someone who knows that the word ‘bling' is not used to describe a firecracker that makes only a modest sound instead of a loud blang...er...bang.

I'm not a complete slob (though many of my friends and female relatives would disagree) but I refuse to succumb to the pressures of being a la mode. Comfort wins over couture any day and I am much too lazy to revamp my wardrobe with the seasons even if I could afford to. I don't see the sense in tossing out perfectly wearable clothes just because they're now deemed passé, and if my bag resembles something the cat brought in, it's not some new fad - I just couldn't be bothered to get a new one.

My mother and sister despair of me. They think I'm a changeling - some evil fairy whisked away their doll-like relative and replaced her with this...this...the word fails them. Why, she wouldn't even keep on that adorable pink bonnet that mom spent so many hours knitting! Yes, well, don't get me wrong. I'm not a total ingrate. I loved those fuzzy booties they made me wear because they were nice and cosy, and I'd have loved them more if they were a bright yellow or orange instead of the pink that's de rigueur for baby girls. But you won't get me to wear a hat of any sort. Not then, not now, not ever.

Don't tell the Fashion Police where I live!