Domestic Violence - When a Man Hits
61What Do You Do When Getting Up Means You'll be Knocked Back Down?
It's Not Just Cut and Dry
I know I'm in the middle of a 'boob' series, but in light of all the Rihanna stuff, and the hype surrounding her current situation, I thought I would do a hub that focuses on domestic abuse and domestic violence.
Believe it or not, there is a lot more to domestic abuse than most people think and contrary to popular belief, it's not all cut and dry. Unfortunately, far too many people believe that the number one answer for dealing with domestic abuse is to simply 'get out', but depending upon one's circumstances, that may be an impossible prospect.
Many women (and some men) who are victims of domestic violence don't have the option to walk out on their homes, their children, their jobs, and their current way of life to get away from the abuse. In fact, one of the main reasons victims of abuse stay in their current environments is because they lack options. They stay because they have lives to lead, children to raise, and no resources to simply 'move out'...
I know what you're thinking, there are always shelters and safe houses, but when you look at the situation from the perspective of a parent and spouse, uprooting your kids and leaving your spouse for a 'safe house' doesn't seem like an appealing option. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that staying in a bad situation is a good idea...I'm just giving some perspective into the mindset many victims possess.
On top of the 'lack of options' comes the fact that many victims still truly care for and love their abusers. While it may seem impossible to love someone who beats you...it is the claim of many, many victims that the love doesn't dissipate just because pain is present. When you fall in love and marry, you likely feel an unconditional love for your spouse...unconditional means just that - without condition.
Another major factor that plagues many victims pertains solely to faith. As a Christian, I have to admit that, were I to become victim of domestic abuse, my faith would play a major role in the decisions I made...God willing, this will never be an issue I face personally, but I do feel it pertinent to address.
In an effort to provide some hope and some information to those who may be suffering, and those who know someone who is...I have researched current stats and information on domestic abuse and plan to pass along some of what I've learned.
First of all, there are options for everyone. There is help for everyone, no matter what their circumstances. Let's take our first look at the 'Fear Factor'...many people fail to seek help because they fear what would happen to them if their partner found out...If this is the case for you, you should consider contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). This hot-line can provide you with advice and can also help you plan a safe 'escape' if that's your chosen plan of action.
Most professionals advise that, if you plan to leave, you practice your escape before hand and make sure your move is swift and efficient. It's also pertinent that you have somewhere to go. Again, the above hot-line can help with this.
If leaving is not an option for you, you should still take immediate action to protect yourself. In fact, some professionals recommend spending a night or two in a hotel room and discussing your situation with your spouse on the phone only. Often times, abusers are more rational when their outlet has been removed. This may give you the opportunity to secure an agreement for counseling, and contact relatives or friends who may be willing to help you (and your children if you have them) while you work things out.
The Christian advice is similar to the above, but to include Christian counseling and an education in the ideal marriage...the Godly marriage. If both partners are believers, this approach is often very successful...but couples must be prepared to spend time and effort on solving their problems.
The TIME AND EFFORT approach is true for any facing a domestic issue...even if you plan to leave - your recovery will take time and effort...and if you plan to stay, your healing and the repair of your relationship will also take time and effort.
There are countless resources pertaining to domestic abuse online. But the bottom line is, no matter what you decide, YOU MUST DO SOMETHING --- doing nothing may cost you your life.
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Hi all...Just wanted to clarify...the information and advice provided in the above hub is presented as derived from several professional resources...I myself am NOT a domestic violence professional. However, all the information as outlined above was presented to me after having interviewed both social service counselors as well as Christian counselors...it's important to note that every situation is different and stock advice might not be right for you. If you are facing domestic violence, follow the advice that suits your particular circumstance
My husband was verbally, emotionally and borderline physically abusive (meaning he never hit me, but he did place me in situations that could harm me and our unborn child just because he was angry).
I waited until he would be gone a week for work, and then I went and spoke to a counselor. She told his chain of command, and he was removed from the apartment for another week and made to stay in the barracks until she could evaluate him.
I'm happy to say that, in my situation, this worked. He attends anger management, he listens more, and he's no longer abusive in any way.
I admit I was worried he would come back violent, but the situation just made him think -- and straighten up.
There's hope for the abusive spouse.
I'd like to add to Eldritch Elegy's point - that there is hope.
Too many times it seems that we're ready to write off abusive individuals as some kind of monsters to be locked up, throwing away the key.
While I'm not saying that abuse of any kind is ok - physical, verbal or otherwise, I'm just trying to point out that dehumanizing them doesn't solve the problem either.
In fact, it's just the same thing turned around.
Sure, when we treat someone as a "thing," then it's easier to justify almost any kind of behavior.
Never mind what happened at Guantanamo Bay Cuba; it's the basis of every military training in the world. A soldier can kill a thing; it's harder to commit atrocities on fellow human beings.
Part of the problem is that it starts out relatively innocently. As kids, men are taught to use aggression and anger. They're taught not to cry or be afraid.
Unless they find healthier ways to relate, this carries into their adult relationships. In extreme cases of abuse where parents either hurt the kids or each other, they never know any other patterns.
Believe me, I'm the first to argue for personal responsibility. What I'm talking about is not an excuse for this kind of behavor. I'm just trying to point out that the common myth is that locking away or these individuals or restraining orders takes care of the problem.
Glad that Eldritch Elegy points out that there are other ways. If anything, we need to figure out more!
THANK YOU BECAUSE, WE MUST CONTINUE TO ADVOCATE AND SPEAK OUT AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!
We certainly should!!:)
I couldn't agree more with your hub. Not everyone has the option to just "get out" or leave. Nor does everyone want to. Not all abusive partners are monsters. Sure, what they have done might be horrible, but they themselves are not necessarily horrible people. I've tried to explain this to my friends who were leaving yellow sticky notes on my computer monitor at work with the Domestic Abuse Hotline toll free number on it because my black eyes and swollen lips were causing them to worry about my safety. My partner was not a monster. To a large degree, I participated in my own abuse, if I didn't down right cause some of it. We are two very different temperaments. He needs his space to calm down and I need immediate resolution. Well, he can't calm down if I won't let him get away from me and keep on badgering him. So, the ultimate conclusion was a blowup, with pushing and shoving and throwing things and me ending up the worse for it. He had no prior history of abuse and was horrified by his own actions and agreed that there was no excuse for his behavior. We both realized that something had to change. We felt that our relationship was worth saving. Counselling has helped us to let go of much of the emotional baggage we both carried around with us from past relationships and how to resolve our differences without violence.
Now having said that, I do believe that if you're in a relationship with someone who truly enjoys controlling and hurting you, you should find some way to get away from that as quickly as possible.
I've been in other abusive relationships, so I speak from first-hand experience.
Ask yourself how you can change. You cannot change any other person. You can only change yourself. You are with someone else's man. If he was yours, he would not beat you. Pray that God will show you where to go and who you should be with, instead of forcing a relationship that was never meant to be. Respect yourself enough to leave... without retaliation.
AEvans says:
10 months ago
Your topic capture my attention, their is plenty of domestic violence going on. My first husband left me for dead, but I wrote my life called a wing and a prayer (my life) which explains. It should never hurt to be a woman and a man should never put his hands on a woman, there is help as you stated. :)