Domestic violence, spousal abuse, child abuse, elder abuse - we have all heard the words, and seen the stories on the news - the ultimate results of unchecked domestic violence. We abhor the senseless violence, we ache for their pain, and we say, "Somebody should do something. Aren't there agencies that can help?" We wonder how this could have happened, how things got so bad without being noticed. Surely someone must have seen something?

All of the questions below are warning signs of abuse. Not all abuse is physical, but those affected carry scars for the rest of their lives all the same. Mental, emotional, or psychological abuse is insidious. It hurts where it can't be seen, and so is easier to dismiss or ignore. The scars are only noticeable in the behavior of the abused.

Victims of domestic violence and domestic abuse may suffer silently for years before anyone notices. Battered women, abused women or men, may be too afraid to reach out - afraid their abuser will find out and retaliate. Some feel they have no options, no place to go, no-one to turn to for help. They are afraid that no-one will help - that they are not worthy of help - that they deserve to be abused. They may have tried to get help in the past and were not believed, or the person they turned to could not or would not help.

"All the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St.Nicholas soon would be there..." ...but not at "her" house.

At her house, she was watching the clock in nervous anticipation. He hadn't phoned, so he must still be out "with friends" - probably at the bar.

She wishes he would phone and let her know he's alright, and he'll be on his way soon.

She wishes she could just phone him and make sure he's alright but he really hates it when she "checks up on him".

She wishes he would get home in time to be awake again in the morning when the kids get up and open their presents.

She checks the tree and the gifts one more time. The stockings are filled with goodies - big, inexpensive things that take up a lot of space - as much as she could afford out of the little bit she was able to hold back.

She's very good at making a little go a long way. There's no big gift under the tree for him because he sees no sense in "giving her his money to buy him a present". If only she could get it right this year. If only somehow she could do everything perfectly, they would have a lovely Christmas.

In the morning, she will get up with the children, She will watch as they open their stockings and unwrap their gifts. She will hush them so they "don't wake Daddy", and she will wonder what his mood will be when he wakes up.

She will prepare a lovely dinner. She loves to cook, even though he rarely seems to like anything she makes. They were supposed to go to her sister's this year, but if he's not up and around, she'll probably just feed the kids and then run the food over. She won't stay though, because he might get up and find her gone.

Her folks are suppose to come for coffee and dessert later. She wonders if he'll throw her family out like he did last year when someone laughed at a joke too hard - an innocent little joke that she made.

She listens to the strains of "Silent Night" and wishes she were caroling with her friends. The roads around the lake can be treacherous at this time of year. She worries he won't make the drive safely. She wonders when he'll come home.- and just for a second or two, she wonders if it would be so bad if he didn't...

The woman in the story didn't seem to be abused. She had a tree and presents for her children. She had a roof over her head. She sounds like a bit of a whiner actually - "I'd rather be out with my friends", "I just can't please him", "He's always out late with his friends rather than here with us."

Her husband didn't seem to like her family very much, but maybe they were the kind of relatives that interfered too much.

We didn't hear any shouting. We couldn't see any bruises. We only see this rather sad woman who has wrapped herself up totally in her children. She never goes anywhere or does anything. She worries too much. Things aren't that bad.

So...what are the signs of abuse?

She has no bruises, no black eyes, no broken bones.

If we can't see any physical signs, how can we tell that there is abuse?

How do we know what to look for?

Take a look at this poster...

Take a look at the questions that follow.

This is by no means a definitive list, but they are some of the questions you need to ask.

Do any of these things apply to the relationship of someone you know?

Do any of them apply to you?

• "My partner likes meals on time - I really have to get back." Does this thought cause you a pang or a panic. If your response is panic, you might be in an abusive relationship.
• Does the choice of where to go for dinner or which movie to see cause endless debate that always ends one of two ways - either you go with your spouse's choice or you don't go?
• Do you always defer to your partner's wishes because "theirs was a better idea"?
  
• Do you not see your family as often as you'd like because "my partner really doesn't like them much" or "my partner says they always butt in and we don't need them to tell us how to...fill in the blank?
• Do you postpone doing things for yourself because you're too busy looking after your partner's needs, or do you avoid activities you enjoy because "my boy/girl-friend doesn't really like doing that"?
• Do you feel like you have to stay with your partner because you aren't good, or smart, or pretty enough to find another, or that no-one else would "put up with you"?
  
• Does your spouse belittle you either in private or in front of your friends or family? "Don't bother telling her! She doesn't understand that anyway!" "I don't know how many times I've explained that and you just don't get it!"
• Have you and you partner moved to "get away from your family/mother/father"?
• Does your spouse demand to know who called you and what they wanted? Does he or she monitor your outside contacts, allowing some and discouraging others.
• Does you spouse control your family finances? Do you know how much your spouse makes? Do you turn your money over because "he/she is better at that and you don't really understand finances anyway"?
• Has your partner ever threatened you?

If any of the points above sound familiar, you need to take a closer look at the relationship in question.

If more than one of them applies to your relationship, or the relationship of someone you know, you need to talk to someone - to seek professional help.

Emotional and mental abuse don't just go away, and they often escalate.

You have some hard choices to make. You need professional help to evaluate the situation, and you need to be willing to act on the advice. This could save lives - perhaps yours.