Just as with being a victim of domestic violence, when the victim is a loved one there are no easy, simple, answers with regard to knowing what to do. There are cases in which the violence has been going on for a very long time, and cases in which an episode of violence may be the first sign that verbal violence has escalated to physical violence.

Some victims try to keep their situation a secret for their own reasons. Others don't keep it a secret but don't take action.

Domestic violence comes in a broad range of degrees, but even some, which may not appear as potentially dangerous as the more extreme cases, may be far more potentially dangerous for the victim(s) than even the victim(s) realize.

A sobering reality is that women with abusive husbands are often most in danger when they try to leave the situation. Angered and abusive husbands who may not be pose physical threats may not be above attempting to use children as a way of retaining control, or generally using a number of manipulative techniques to make a wife very much regret trying to leave.

What a family member or friend can do when a loved one is a victim can often depend on the relationship one shares with the victim.

So, with all the sobering realities involved when a loved one is a victim, what one person should do can be very different from what another person can do. The following possible options have been broken down by type of relationship with the victim:

When it is your parent who is a victim (and whether or not s/he will admit what is going on):

Tell someone who may be able to offer you direction. That may be a school counselor, or it may be a trusted, adult, family member. If a friend's parent seems particularly sensible and sensitive, tell that person. Most often, no one individual (who isn't a judge or a member of the police force) can solve the problem (any more than you, by yourself, can), but getting small degrees of different kinds of support/help from people outside the immediate family can add up. If you're still a minor child, as frightening as it may be, call your state's child protective services and ask them to help, particularly if you believe your parent may be in danger. If you talk with an authority tell them you believe your parent could be in danger.

When you can talk to your parent without the other parent hearing, ask your parent to seek help with professionals who deal with domestic violence. Tell your parent that you would be happier if she left the situation. Tell her how you feel to have to watch and live with the situation. Ask her how she'd feel, and what she'd want, if you were the victim of the same kind violence. Victims may not feel free to admit it, and they may even be afraid if they think children notice and may speak up, but victims often feel very alone; and there can be something hopeful and comforting in knowing that someone else has noticed the abuse.

Children of victims need to understand, however, that even if they've witness numerous instances of abuse, there is a good chance they have not witnessed the worst of it. This is why if a battered spouse urges her child not to talk to the other parent or even to siblings, respecting at least that much of her wishes may help keep her (and you) safer.

If you access to a computer outside the home it could prove useful (if the case eventually ends up in court) to set up a secret account (such as an e.mail account or any type that will allow you to store private writing without its being posted anywhere). Using a name and password you'll choose only for this account, it could be useful to write down dates, times, and circumstances under which you have witnessed the abuse. Noting who else, if anyone, was present could eventually provide a list of witnesses to at least some of the incidents. Also, too, if your parent has made any particularly concerning or upsetting statements, it could be useful to include those as well. (For example, if she has made comments that lead you believe she is feeling more threatened than ever, noting those could be important.) It's important to realize that, of course, keeping written track of your parents' situation, without doing anything else, will not be helpful. Keeping this kind of written information, however, could prove useful in proving the abuse (or a pattern of abuse) in the legal situation.

When the victim is your grown child, sibling, other adult family member, or friend:

What you can do is often limited. Even authorities meet with frustration when victims who call for help later become to frightened to file reports or testify. Victims who refuse to admit being abused (or who admit it and later say it wasn't as bad as they first said it was) are the most difficult to help. That's not saying they never want help. Some victims are truly terrified, and for good reason. Some no longer have enough emotional strength or self-esteem to take steps to get out.

Some things you can do are to gain a solid understanding of domestic violence, which can be done through researching reputable organization's websites online. Providing a safe, non-judgmental, environment for the victim to talk in confidence is important. The New York Asian Women's Center (NYAWC, http://www.nyawc.org/help/friends-family.html#help) advises keeping the victim's confidences. The Center also advises providing the victim with options, rather than telling her what she "must do".

Understand that even the victim who appears to be open about the abuse may not be telling you about the worst of it. Victims can feel humiliated by the abuse, itself, or they can feel humiliated by the fact that they have been helpless when it comes to stopping it. This can mean they may talk about abusive acts that point out how cruel their spouse is, but not talk about the things that also highlight their own humiliation.

Keep in mind that not all batterers seem like monsters 100% of the time. Some may be absolutely wonderful to their children. Some may be absolutely wonderful much of the time - just not all of the time. Victims often need to get beyond "but-other-than-that-he's-wonderful" thinking. It can be difficult for even victims, themselves, to believe that their "otherwise wonderful" partner can become such a monster, or "really means to be so cruel". Since even victims can have trouble really accepting that they are the victims of more than "someone who is stressed out" it isn't difficult to see how outsiders may have difficulty believing that the victim is not exaggerating (or just lying).

Parents of batterers (who may be the grandparents of victims) may have no idea that their grown child is capable of such behavior. The same may apply to other friends or family of the batterer. Family members and friends of adult victims of abuse may bring their own thoughts and feelings into the situation. Some may believe it isn't wise to leave "a perfectly nice spouse". Others may think adults must live with abuse in order that the children not to be raised "in a broken home". Family members and friends of victims of abuse need to keep in mind 1) that they do not know what is going on behind closed doors, 2) that it is very likely they will have difficulty believing it; but that doesn't mean it is not occurring, and 3) that any leaning they have toward hoping the victim "sticks it out" is not just incorrect, it is essentially abusive, in itself.

Family members of victims are often advised to seek support from a counselor or others trained in offering to support when domestic violence is the issue. Knowing what to do, having to watch one's loved one go through what they are going through, and generally dealing with the situation can be more difficult than many family members can deal with without support.

There is often the tendency of all involved (sometimes including authorities) to underestimate the potential danger of some batterers. Domestic violence is not a problem that can be handled by victims, alone; and it is sometimes not something family members can handle without trained support either.

Local support for victims of domestic violence is, in most locales, a phone call away. The following organizations offer general information on their websites:

National Association for Children of Alcoholics

http://www.nacoa.net/famviol.htm

NYAWC (New York Asian Women's Center)

http://www.nyawc.org/help/friends-family.html#ho

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.ndvh.org/

National Teen Dating Dabuse Helpline (for guys too)

http://www.loveisrespect.org/

The Broken Spirits Network

http://www.brokenspirits.com/information/domestic_violence.asp

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me". That can be true when you're four years old and the five-year-old who lives two houses down calls you a "poop face". Its not true, though, when you're four years old, and your mother is standing in front of you, looking down at your face, and demanding to know, "What's wrong with you?!" Maybe you knocked a plant over, and there's dirt on the rug. Maybe when your mother asked how it happened you said, "I don't know" because you didn't want her to think you're stupid or careless or else you were worried that she would yell at you (as she has been known to do). Now maybe she's not just asking what's wrong with you because you knocked the plant over, but she's on to "what's wrong with you" because you either didn't answer or lied (because you're four, and four-year-old people sometimes lie).

There you are - feeling pretty awful about the plant and pretty awful because now what you said has been revealed to be a lie rather than a matter of your emotional immaturity making it difficult for you to know what to say about the plant. There you are - trying to think up what answer to give your mother as she demands to know what's "wrong" with you. Your mother finally stops asking "what's wrong with you?", but you're left to wonder about that. You think, "Let's see. I'm a good little girl. I'm very nice to animals. A lot of grown-ups say I'm a cute girl, so I don't think I'm ugly. I want to do the right thing....." You go over it and over it in your mind, even if you're only four, and sometimes BECAUSE you're only four, because you just can't figure out what is wrong with you. "There must be something wrong with me, or she wouldn't keeping asking me that," you think. Then you think, "There must be something wrong with someone who knocks over plants," and "There must be something wrong with someone who is afraid to say she knows how the plant got knocked over," and you think, "There must be something wrong with someone who lies," and you think, "If my mother says there's something wrong with me there must be something wrong with me."

Having gone over it in your mind over and over again, you may come to the realization that even though you are nice and "smart" and kind to animals and cute and any number of other good things you know you are or have been told you are, and even though you can't figure out anything about what you are that isn't good, you must have some invisible thing wrong with you on the inside or maybe you're made of bad material in some way. After all, your mother kept insisting that there is something wrong with you; and while she was demanding an answer to that question, as well as long after she moved onto some other thing, you were left to try to figure out what invisible thing is wrong with you.

While she was yelling at you, you didn't know what to say that would make her happy, and you didn't know how to stop her from yelling and asking about what's wrong with you, so you were feeling pretty helpless besides feeling like you were being asked to figure out what's wrong with you when you just can't figure that out.

Later you hear your mother talking to her mother on the phone, and she's saying how she hopes you don't "have a problem" because she's caught you in a few lies over the last week or so. Hearing this makes you think that you are the only four-year-old who has ever said something that wasn't true, and now even YOU start wondering what is wrong with you.

Your mother hasn't called you any horrible names, really. She didn't hit you. She even went away after she figured out you weren't going to answer her question about what's "wrong" with you; but you will remember this incident, and if your mother reacts to some things you do in this way or in a more critical or belittling way even only every once in a while throughout your childhood you will over and over again be made to feel helpless in not being able to be a better child or not being able to stop "doing these things you keep doing" or not being able to please your mother or not being able to stop these awful, accusing, episodes from happening. You love your mother. She's usually nice to you. She's usually the best mother in the world, so if SHE says there's something wrong with you there MUST be.

So, the combination of being made to feel helpless and being made to ask what invisible thing is wrong with you that you can't really see erodes your sense of self-confidence and makes you start to feel that maybe you are a "Class B" person, while most other people are "Class A" people because you are "made of inferior material", and other people are made of "good material".

What if you're not four years old and are instead thirty-four? What if it isn't your mother but your husband who is demanding to know what's wrong with you or why you "don't understand" or why you "don't care" or why any other number of things that "inferior you" seems to be or do, which only makes his life more difficult? The situation and result aren't all that different, although at thirty-four you may at least be sure enough that you're a decent, capable, caring, person not to start questioning those things. At thirty-four and seemingly very confident about the kind of person you are, you are still in the position of feeling helpless and not being able to stop what is an attack on the very core of who you are. You still can't make the yelling, demanding, husband stop attacking you. On top of that, if you're an independent, self-assured, person you are ashamed that in this situation you have found yourself helpless.

While the four-year-old is ashamed at the "material" he seems to think he's made of, the thirty-four-year-old is ashamed that a strong, self-confident, person like she cannot stop the verbal attacks. She may not want to tell anyone how helpless she is at times because she's so ashamed. She has tried not answering her husband, and that makes him worse. She has tried reasoning, but he's not reasonable when he has these verbal rages. She has tried walking away and not being his "audience", but that only infuriates him more. Every time she is made to feel helpless she is also ashamed, and if these verbal attacks go on over a period of years her shame will eventually affect her self-confidence; and even if "her head tells her" all the positive things she is, she, like the four-year-old, comes to FEEL inferior. The gap between what she knows about herself and how she feels about herself widens, and she may find that she no longer sees herself in the mirror and instead sees someone she doesn't know.

Verbal abuse can range from reasonably mild to severe. The attacks may only come once in a while, or they may come regularly and for years. Verbal abuse can escalate to include physical abuse as well.

Sometimes people don't realize that their "freedom to say what they want" or expectation that the target of their rants and accusations and insults ought to be able to "take it" amounts to verbal abuse. Sometimes, though, people who are verbally abusive actually get that same little "high" that results from intimidating someone and feeling powerful that physical abusers get.

It shouldn't take a sophisticated understanding of abuse, though, for people to simply understand that it is possible to express displeasure or disagreement without yelling, belittling, and name-calling.

The thirty-four-year-old may or may not eventually leave the relationship. Maybe she will notice that was once just yelling and belittling now seems to be including a little physical "puffing up", even if she has not yet been struck. Maybe, too, she won't leave. For the four-year-old, though, there is no leaving. She (or he) will remain at the mercy of the verbal abuser for, probably, at least another fourteen years. For the four-year-old the helplessness and belittling may go on all through the years when his image of herself is forming and when feeling secure and valued and respected are required to build self-esteem. For the thirty-four-year-old, it can be (although isn't always) a matter of her starting out with confidence and self-esteem and being made to feel ashamed that a person like she can't stop the attacks. For the four-year-old it is more likely to be a matter of growing up believing there is actually something inferior about her, never knowing what it is or why it is, and never even having the benefit of originally having normal self-esteem that may actually help this individual recognize abuse when she experiences it.

I've described the damage that occur from even “relatively mild” (if there is ever such a thing) verbal abuse because it seems to me if people can see the damage that the more minor abuse can cause it may help them to realize that the damage the most serious verbal abuse can cause is unimaginable.

Haleigh Poutre

I've often asked myself why it is I'm so haunted by Haleigh Poutre's story. Maybe it was because the story was a big one in Massachusetts, and the nation, when the matter of "pulling the plug" on Haleigh was being dealt with by the courts. That is, of course, what brought the story to my attention. I think, though, I'm haunted by the pictures of Haleigh before she was beaten into a coma by an adult. It was reported that in earlier investigations of Haleigh's adoptive parents the state determined that Haleigh was hurting herself. The whole story is horrific, and when it comes down to it, I suppose what bothers me most is that this little girl could smile and dance and do all the things other little girls do - and someone took all those things away from her (just because, I guess, Haleigh was unfortunate enough to find herself placed with the wrong people). Maybe, too, what has bothered me so much is the thought that this young, human being, had only eleven years before being beaten into a coma; and if all those years could, at least, have been happy ones it would be bad enough. Instead, most likely Haleigh had the childhood most of us now imagine she must have had, only to then be robbed of the brighter future she certainly deserved.

It would be sickening enough if Haleigh's story were the only such story over recent years; but as we all know, it is not - far from it.

There are many reasons a victim won't tell a soul, and one can be that they're afraid if they tell someone that person will address the issue with their abuser. Whether child or adult, victims know that getting out of the situation sometimes only follows an investigation by authorities (or at least convincing relatives or friends that they are, in fact, being abused). In other words, victims are often afraid to tell but have to stay in the home with the abuser.

They may be "too understanding". Victims, perhaps particularly women, may overlook some behavior, believing stress is the cause. They may believe things will improve and/or they may not want to make others think less of their boyfriend or husband when they think the abuse may be a one-time or temporary thing.

They may be humiliated to let others know they are not able to stop the abuse. People who take pride in being capable, independent, and strong can be particularly humiliated when made to feel helpless by abuse; and that humiliation can be too much for them to share with anyone.

They may know that if they tell their family, as they know it, will never be the same. They may know there could be criminal charges. They usually know they will not remain in the home. The thought of tearing a family apart, or "turning life upside down" for all involved can be more frightening than saying nothing.

They may love the abuser. This may be particularly true of child victims, who often love their parents regardless of abuse.

Some victims believe they deserve the abuse.

Some victims believe the abuser "didn't mean it".

Women who understand what can happen in the court system may be afraid they will lose custody of their children.

Victims may fear leaving what they know (which may be a nice home) and finding themselves in a worse situation (for children, a bad foster home; for women, no home at all).

Victims may fear for the safety or even lives of children or other family members, even pets.

Some believe because they have no money they cannot leave.

Some are afraid they will be killed.


While this list of reasons doesn't cover all possible reasons victims don't tell and/or don't leave, those listed are among the most common.

When she finally decided to tell others what she'd been going through she felt betrayed, upset, and frustrated to think that people so close to her would not believe what she told them. It was, on the one hand, far beyond what she could understand. On the other hand, there was a part of her that completely understood because, after all, when she thought about him on his "good days" even she had trouble believing he was capable of such things.

She was fifteen and had made more than one attempt to kill herself (or if not kill herself, then at least get someone to understand the degree of pain she had been in for years). In one quiet conversation I had with her, in my attempt to help her see that she had so much to live for I said, "I don't understand why - when you have you have your whole future ahead of you - you would try to do that." Her blue eyes looked piercingly at me from under her bouncy, blond, hair; and as she shifted her spindly arms on the dining room table she said, "THAT'S because you had the mother and father you had. You CAN'T understand because you don't know what it's like." In that one, fleeting, moment I realized that there was so much this troubled young woman understood that I (both fortunately and unfortunately) never would.

I had tremendous respect for her youthful and troubled wisdom, while I realized with tremendous sadness that there were no words I could offer her to erase her sadness. In her eyes, the simple fact that I had had two loving parents made me a person of privilege who would never understand. Still, at least, she knew how much I wished I could and knew how much I cared - and I guess that was better than having no one who did either.

To live where I am not afraid.
To trust and not have trust betrayed.
To feel the lightness I once I felt
before the skies turned gray.

To feel the freedom I once I knew.
To do the things I used to do.
To have the peace that others have
just because it is my right.

Not to wish someone would hear.
Not to live in so much fear.
Not to hope nobody knows
how helpless it all makes me.

Not to wonder what to do,
or wonder what to say to you,
to make the problem better
or make it go away.

Not to feel so all alone.
Not to feel I've turned to stone.
Not to feel removed from life
or else removed from me.

To regret but not be so confused.
Not to feel I'm being used.
To have my life returned to me
before more time is gone.

To have dreams that remain unbroken.
To not have anger left unspoken.
Not to feel so isolated,
disrespected, or so hated.

These things I'm always thinking of.
This isn't life. This isn't love.
And still life is so far away,
for me, perhaps, another day.

What awful thing must I have done
to be so robbed of warmth and sun?
And God, where are you? Can't you hear?
Is it that you aren't really there?

Or is it that you hate me too?
What did I ever do to you?
How long before you're dead to me,
as I am surely dead to you.

To have the numbness go away.
To not have wasted one more day.
To feel some laughter in my heart.
To finally get a whole new start.