Domestic Violence doesn't exist, least not for my mom.
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Shhhhhh...
It was quiet again, or at least she was. I hated going out. It was that horrific secret we both had to hide for her. For my mother.
She always walked with her head faced down. Whether from shame or embarrassment, she was determined not to reveal any hint of a a problem. Despite how obvious it was.
Domestic violence was not my mother's pain. She believed, it was her fault.
If I could only tell you, and I will try to, how she justified her means of reason, then never having to deal with the truth of my raging alcoholic father. Who in his own mind, never did a thing wrong.
We finished grocery shopping and with her shoulders slumped, a hat to shield her head and sunglasses to hide the bruises. Nothing to cover her stitched mouth and bruised, broken nose, she sheepishly paid the cashier. We shared the small load of bags to bring home.
She never could look someone in the eye. I however could. When I did, what I saw was people observing my mother with their faces full of pity and endless empathy, in their slow movements.
Mom kept enough money in her pocket (always) for the taxi home. Again to ensure no one would see her, or worse, recognize her.
I am an adult today, a long time now, but am at times, still triggered to recall those horrible times that today, years later, I now know was violent, domestic abuse.
I hate that term, as if trying to soften the blow, with the word ‘domestic’. When in reality it's a horrific violence, and relentless abuse.
I promised myself to share here and not be vindictive, but I can't. I am still even now, still angry.
Angry at my abusive, sad excuse for a father, angry for my mother, angry for me and angry from anger.
I now know this will never leave me as I do feel, having received and heard too much hatred. Hatred in a family who supposedly was there to protective one another.
Excuses were intentionally honest for her, so full of denial, fear, shame with an inner defense.
My mother coped by not coping.
By doing so, the three ring circus then featured me, and it was unfair.
I deserved to be protected, not criticized and insulted. I deserved to feel safe, not trembling in unknown fear. I deserved a non physical form of communication, not beatings, I deserved to be the child, and yet, I never was. When your never a child, you never have parents. Never.
Explanations define a meaning of a word or phrase. I have no interest in looking into Webster, Wikipedia, a Thesaurus or Rhyming Dictionary for that matter.
My definition of Domestic Violence entails abusive secrets that unfold within the walls of your home, from a controlled sick person. Painful existence, all the while being defenseless, with no explanation or understanding.
It far surpasses being a ‘victim.’ You are forced to become the puppet. Snapped strings, broken pieces, wilted, quiet, without emotion, wet, stained, and worn. With no alternative option. Victim feels like this for me.
My closet made for a great bed. The doors would shut tight and blackness protected me. Still, I never could sleep.
It was those nights I spent in the closet covering my ears when my dad was angry again. I remember all too well.
I could take cover in the beginning yet felt like a coward for not helping my mother. I was too afraid. Besides I couldn’t stand watching her connect the dots of blood on our winter white colored walls, one more time.
If Dad was angry, we could be sure he was drunk. A raging alcoholic known for his benders and violent temper.
He was jealous, judgmental, arrogant, physical, prejudice, mean, tortuous, inquisitive, demanding, repetitive, enraged, lost, guiltless, accusatory, blameful, bossy, relentless, hurtful, loud, strong, endless, abusive, selfish and always, unpredictable.
That closet helped my sanity on countless occasions. However, I couldn’t live in there forever.
Soon as Dad would pass out snoring, mom would come and get me and we would sleep in my single canopy bed, together.
Not before I tried stopping her bleeding, washing her blood stained skin, and change her clothes. She was smart to always stock up on bags of frozen vegetables. They were perfect ice packs that would form her bruises, most often, her eyes.
It was quiet again. She never cried.
This wasn’t domestic violence to her. Again, rather, this was her fault.
With the shame and beating she just beat herself more. I would watch her lie on her side, back to me and spied on her in the reflection of my mirror by the windowsill. Her eyes were always open and cold, like they had no color.
What could bring her color back and make her smile? I snapped. It was 3;30 am. I took smuggles my bear and headed to my Father’s room. I always could fix things. Besides I was his favorite. Surely he would tell me what we could do to help mom and correct whatever Mom did wrong to deserve so many nights of punishment.
Pulling on his left pant leg, ‘Daddy,’ ‘Daddy,’ ‘Daddy.’ He wasn’t happy to have been woken up. ‘What the Fuck do you want? Get the Hell out of my room.’ He kicked me clear across the wall unit. As I started to leave, he got pissed even more so, that I was crying. Red welts, bruising, cuts, painful bumps, verbal degradation and then... well, somethings are better just left to be discussed in private venues.
Finished, pulled me by my ponytail and made sure I understood about respect, listening, gratitude and minding my own business.
Leaving, rather limping, he dumped his Scotch all over me. If I only had been older it might have been perfect to go with my packages of frozen vegetables.
I won't lie, since that night, I have been terrified of my father. Even though I refuse to see him now, I still am terrified. Fear will consume me if I let it. So I vent my memories, my flashbacks, my experiences, when I can.
I won't lie, it was that night our family roles got reversed. I became the mother, the wife, the victim, and no one warned me what that really was going to mean. All of 9 years old.
Right here, right now, the numerous actual details of our violence are irrelevant. Even though we could not protect each other, we still had each other. This HubMob is not about the details of Domestic Violence but rather the feelings and emotions that keep us stuck there. The secrets. It's these secrets that will kill us.
What's Going on in the World Today?
I have heard many times that the ‘abuser’ will eventually become the ‘abused’, and the ‘abused’ will eventually will become the ‘abuser.’ If this is true, it almost makes sense given it’s taught and learned behavior. Looking back, in most cases abuse threads back throughout these families. My family. It was just not talked about as it is now. Even still, shame silents us victims.
Guilt is a direct result of something we do and shame is something that is directly forced upon us. How can their be shame or guilt in a victim? Yet it continues to be the two leading emotions following violence.
Domestic violence for me is the most tragic. The circle of trust is non-existent and living your days and nights walking on eggshells would drive anyone to permanent silence. A change in personality to over accommodating and quiet, an introvert, if you will.
If this is all true will I become an abuser? My God that thought alone triggers horror flashbacks of the my own experiences, I have fallen victim to. How could I possibly do this to anyone else? Am I abusive in my actions or words? Is my temper to quick and sharp? Do I ignore people for my own sense of self? Am I quick to judge?
I need to wrap my head around what ‘abuse’ means. Have I oversimplified it’s term by defining this as - 'it’s when someone hurts another person with intent.' So, really it’s the word ‘hurt’ that I need an explanation to be defined to me.
This explanation is different for everyone. To some, if some one was to hurt you, it would be an act that degraded you and made you feel bad. That’s a wide range of abuse and for domestic violence and this HubMob topic. I find myself torn between hatred, and that little voice telling me I must heal, forgive, and move on.
Maybe some can, I guess I have but my jitters still startle others, my quick actions frighten others, my ability to degrade someone who is out of line leaves people curious.
Finally my ability to take a whopping or verbal attack with no reaction leaves people, and me, empty.
Much like my mother, In my head, Domestic Violence doesn’t exist, it just couldn’t have, it just couldn’t.
Do you now someone suffering from Domestic violence and feel helpless?
See results without votingIn Conclusion-Taking and Giving
This may not be my exact story, but I guarantee it is for many others. I am a survivor of abuse, that stills haunts me today. Yet, we all know someone or someones child fallen victim to this violence at home. So why when we seek help and begin to recover are we not reaching out to others trying to get help.
It just seems far too common when you get enough time to step back and take a look around.
The events causing my childhood post traumatic stress repeated itself in adulthood.
None of this was my fault but I did and still have to take action. Changing my behavior, staying educated, helping others when I can, not living in it but remembering it, keeping distant from overpowering men, avoid anger, watching and observing before acting on impulse, and most importantly, know the warning signs.
I have heard it takes a woman between 7 to 9 times of violent beatings before they leave. How true can these statistics be when so many don't live to reach these numbers, whether from injury or suicide.
I leave you with this weeks hope for our HubMob topic of Domestic Violence.
Abuse controlled my life for years and I am wounded.
How can each one of us HubMobsters commit to one personal action towards helping this cause? Even to donate clothes to a near-by shelter, or volunteer to cook a dinner for that same shelter and just sit with someone suffering who's being controlled. One small gesture can make the difference from horrific to bearable, and if we're really lucky, from terrified to hope.
This, our HubMob topic, I hope this matter extends further through each one of us privately. Giving something towards a worthy cause that took so much away, from too many of us.
Bless.
You must watch this 50 second message
Now, Today
Are you done Baby, with all your fun?
Are you happy Baby, happy to have won?
Don't curse my name because I bleed
You did this, it's stitches once again I need
I will never cry one dry tear for you
I can't keep being effected by what you do
Come and get high
Once more, cause this is goodbye
Lower your voice, this is no threat
I need safety without owing your debt
My fault holds one reason
I stayed here to try and keep pleasing
Your looking and I am choking
But there is nothing left to be broken
Now you can no longer have it your way
Cause Baby I'm leaving now, today
Domestic Violence doesn't exist,least not for my mom. in the News
- Christmas move to ease pain of domestic violenceHartlepool Mail6 hours ago
PEOPLE are being urged to help make Christmas special for families hit by domestic violence.
- Sacramento cop arrested, faces domestic violence chargesThe Sacramento Bee16 hours ago
A Sacramento police officer was arrested Friday morning on suspicion of felony domestic violence and brandishing his service weapon during an argument with his girlfriend, according to authorities.
- Nine secret refuges for Blackburn domestic violence victimsLancashire Telegraph13 hours ago
NINE new secret refuges for domestic violence victims have been opened to cope with a massive rise in incidents sparked by the recession.
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Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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Black and Blue (True Stories Collection TV Movie)
Price: $4.98
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Domestic Violence Sourcebook, The
Price: $8.50
List Price: $21.95 |
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HubMob Weekly Topic: Domestic Violence in the HubPages The Hubber's Hangout Forum
Comments
Oh Lyricsingray, you a fantastic writer. I am sorry to read all about you have gone through. I had for 10 years domestic violence but psychological. I don't which one are worse? I am sure there never will be an answer to this question. He would have hit me but he knew I would call the police and he was scared to end up in prison. Thank you for writing such a great hub.
Thank you my sweet Hello,you are always so kind. Sorry for what you went through - no one should have to.Bless xo
hi lyricsngray, I am sad about what you had gone through, like what you said, nobody deserve it, not even your mom, the victims are always the children plus the other parent. Disbelief and unacceptance of the reality is just a phase of it, once you realized that it is wrong you need to move forward and you have to heal, it takes time but then it is possible, I feel for you and for others who have suffered.
You are a good writer lyricsngray, keep your head up always and I am happy always to read your hubs and be a fan!
Thank you ever so much prettydarkhorse, you have made my day, glad you came by, bless.
Again. you exhibited some powerful writing here. I can the sensation of emotions here and the pain and torment of abuse. I really do hope that those afflicted find peace and happiness. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Dohn, your a great guy and an even better support, I thank you dearly, Kim.
So great as always, Kimberly. You are such a special friend to all of us..
As you so very much are to me love, thanks Dan, xo
Great hub. How's your mom now?
My heart truly goes out to your mom, who was clearly at a loss as to how to cope or survive and to that 9 year old child you once were who had to grow up too fast.
I could never walk away from anyone in a violent relationship. When I was involved in a violent relationship the woman in the apartment below came up one night. HE opened the door "Is everything alright up here?" she asked. THis was 1980. "Fine" he said matter of factly, she looked right passed him to me "Are you ok AnnMarie, do you need anything?" I shook my head no. But it stopped the violence that night and from then on in I fought back until I finally left a few left months later. I will always be grateful that she didn't ignore my crys for help. Even if I didn't accept them that night. I could never ignore any women going through a similar experience. I love that more and more people write about it and talk about it and take down the veil of secrecy. The only way to kill something this insideous is to bring it out into the open. Thank you, once again, for a fabulous read.
r2 your a doll, my mom is doing well and has come a very long way - I just love your sense of caring for other people, truly. Thank you, as does my mom
Your so right Moonchild,we need to keep bringing it and bringing it out into the open. I thank God for that neighbor of yours and your inner strength and gifted instinct to get the hell out. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words, Bless.
Hi Lyricsingray, thanks for sharing. You are a great writer. Always very strong emotions in your hubs. I wish they could find a miracle medecine to stop all this abuser.They are so sick that they dont realise all the pain they are causing.
Sorry for coming late:) its very hard when you have to read all the hubs and try to comment all of them. I cant do it.:) But I will always find the time to come to visit yours, even if I am late:) Take care my friend. God Bless.
God Bless Keira, I too have had no time to read hubs-so keep a look out for some comments,and thanks for yours, I adore you.
You've expressed this torture beautifully, Kimberly. How sad. I have never been in an abusive relationship and don't intend to.
I wish your father had seen that video.
Good point love, thanks for reading it and thanks for you
Thanks for sharing! I so wish for you that sharing this will help take the pain away, but I suppose deep down I know that it will take a lot more than writing a hub to erase such deep pain.
Your writing really touches a nerve - you are an excellent writer!
Best of luck.
A wonderfully written story Lyricsingray, I applaud you for sharing this, and am so pleased your Mum is now okay.
You never fully recover from these things, and even today, years since I was last physically struck by a man, I still flinch if someone raises a hand suddenly during an argument or heated debate, even though they may only be going to swat a fly (or another innocent, but rapid movement).
Laura, bless you, you are such a kind person, in every comment or post I have read of yours, now I need to dive into some Hubs! My point is your support helps me because it's real, thank you. The process of this Hub was very healing as writing always is, I have much writing to do. God Bless and I'm thrilled you came by.
:( did you miss my post Lyricsingray, you only replied to Laura, and I was right below her?? ;) ;)
Misty thank you but I do have to say I applaud you for sharing a chapter of your life that will in fact help someone, I just know it. It's just a shame we never get to see the people we touch. But you touch many. Thanks and Bless.
Misty, that's why adore you, the size of your heart, I didn't miss you just slow tonight, need cider :-) need to read your Hubs and want to say thank you so so so much xo
This story was very, beautifully, eloquently, written. Out of a possible 100, I give you 110.
an amazingly written story. i commend you for being so honest!!! you really help those in need with your writing. keep on hubbing
It's frightening that as human beings we have the capacity to do such harm to one another. Your story is so powerful. I pray for any woman in an abusive situation, no one deserves to be treated like that. Like you say, help, safety and recovering are available and healing is possible. Thanks for speaking out and breaking the silence.
Mickey Dee, your the best, thanks buddy, glad you came by and made my day
Thanks for recognizing this Chris, we all need to keep working on breaking the silence, xo
Yet another hub that pulls at the heartstrings of all who read. What I have seen with women involved in domestic violence is that they never leave. They are either too afraid or too addicted. I'm not saying they are addicted to the violence, but they are addicted to the man. Like a drug, the man gives out the highs and lows. When he is good, he is better than good, unimaginably great, prince charming. When he is bad he is exactly the opposite, he is pure evil. Now the woman chasing the high, which is him when he is good, accepts the lows as part of the addiction. My best friend used to tell me that she loved the man that was beating the crap out of her, now that she is out of the relationship she describes the love as nothing more than addiction. I have to believe this, why else would a person stay if they weren't getting something out of a toxic situation. Now about women never leaving, usually they don't. Either the man ends up in jail or he ends up cheaating and leaving for the new woman. In my friends' case the man ended up in prison for five years which ended their 7 year turmoil.
I have experience of my own w/constant abuse. I have been a punching bag in my past. I am happy for that, because it taught me how not to be. I no longer worry about continuing the cycle. When my daughter was first born I was scared to death (would I shake her if she cried, when she got older would I hit her for everything she did wrong and eventually everything she did right). I am happy to say that I decided I would be me, not my parents. I am healthy in my thinking, they were not. My daughter is 8 years old and is a happy, well rounded child who has never had to suffer abuse.
I am fortunate in that I was determined to not allow my past to haunt me. To accept my past as a great lesson in life. It taught me not to fear anymore. Just think of it this way "No one could ever hurt me or make me as afraid as I was at the hands of my abuser. I survived that so there is nothing more to fear"
I think your experiences in your life made you incredibly strong, Lyricsingray. Strong enough to share it with the world. Strong enough to have the experience to help others that are currently living your past. Strong enough to break the cycle. You are so much stronger than your father. He is the weak one. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you Max Sumer, your comment without doubt should have been one of our HubMob Hub's. You've learned a lot and that my friend is the secret. The good kind. Bless you for coming by, Thank you
Kimberly you always amaze me. You compel people to read about things most would rather put on blinders for. Great hub and really great poem.
Rm thank you, it's been a direct result of your friendship and support that's helped me write here on HubPages, thank you Buddy xo
Great Hub as always, lyricsingray! Domestic violence is a vicious beast, that causes pain to many people. I am so sorry that you and your mom have had to endure this pain. Within everyone's 6 degrees of people someone has been or is being abused. Hopefully, one day we will be able to stop the beast...
wouldn't that be great to stop it money glitch. thanks, I'm so glad you came by
Hey, Kimberly! You have had such painful experiences, and you write honestly, yet discretely about them.
If you are not already working on one or more books, you really should be. Your autobiography would be a great
start. Hubs are great, but this "stuff" should be on paper.
I believe that it would sell well. More importantly, I believe that it would help other hurting folks, and would likely help some abusers to understand what they are doing, which might help to prevent some victims from being hurt.
Truth teller your name is so perfect to your words. Thanks for the support you've given me. Yes, the book is crawling forward for some time with,as you mentioned, the sole purpose of helping even one other person, than it's worth it. Thank you my friend, Bless.
Wow,,, this was powerful, Kim. VERY, VERY CURAGOUS FOR YOU TO TELL THIS STORY!!!!!! And you are so right WE NEED TO STOP SUGAR COATING IT WITH THE PHRASE 'DOMESTIC VIOLENCE', (I've never liked that term to begin with) TO ME IT IS IMPLIES THAT IT WAS A FIGHT BETWEEN THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE AND THAT IS PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE IGNORE IT, (that and ignoring it is easier than dealing with it if your not involved).
I SAY LETS START DEALING WITH IT HEAD ON AND START CALLING IT FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS!!!!!!!!!
ABUSE, VIOLENCE, BATTERY, BULLYING, CONTROLING, BATTERED WOMEN, BATTERED WIFE, IT IS ABUSE!!! PLAIN AND F****ING SIMPLE!!! IT IS WRONG AND NO WOMAN DESERVES IT, NO MATTER HOW THEY FEEL!!! Franki
Amen Franki - I love your Candor and your continual support as well, thank you my friend
My Mum although not a drunk was fond of giving us a good beating, that was some hub my friend, many hugs to you x
Thanks HealthTip,means a lot coming from you. Bless.
Alcohol has destroyed so many families around the world, as well as submissive behaviour of women, who did not have courage to remove themselves from the hell- and much more important -to save THEIR CHILDREN - from such tragedies. Honestly, I do not feel well just after reading your story...I can just imagine what is going on in your mind.
Children do not deserve that parents pass on them their stupid and sick behaviour, but unfortunately this is very common. Domestic abuse is so common,all around the world, just is not always physical.
You need to move on and start completely new life without carrying this horror with and within you.
EMDR "Eye movement therapy" is excellent technique for healing traumas, especially after abuse. This technique is able to completely remove your negative feelings, fears, anger, and scary movies from your mind. And this technique works very quickly.
I would suggest you to give it a try.
Love and hugs.
I broke down reading this....it's just so powerfully written! It must have taken a lot of courage and strength to share this.... and I wish I could just give you a silent hug....and take away all the pain you've known. may the scars heal one day....thank you. all my love x
This is a powerfully written hub that grabs you from the first word and just won’t let you go until the very last. It is awful to think that this is written from personal experience this is the third time that I have read this and I just didn’t know where to begin commenting. I am sure that this hub will be a great help to others out there who have been and are going through this painful experience I was very moved and touched by your writing thanks for having the courage to write this. God bless you Maggs
Tatjana it is far too common, your right, I'll check into that therapy as well, thank you xo
myown world, you are such a compassionate person and care so much, I think your very special and thank you for the support, bless.
maggs, thank you, let's hope through own sharing it does help even one person, thank you and god bless
Good HUB. I had a friend ( as we always do) who's boyfriend controled every aspect of her life. She couldn't eat, drink or you know what, with out his permission. He will beat on her from time to time, and they make her go to work the very next day with black eyes and bruises. She says she stays with him because he is all she knows. My question is after 7 years of abuse, why wouldn't she wanna know something else besides pain. Has she became so numb to his beatings that she thinks it's normal and he will never kill her? \
Playathome, thank you for your comment and I agree one of the hardest things we have to watch is the abuse repeat itself and the victim stay, mostly from fear but from what your friend said also, so glad you dropped by, Kimberly
Kimberly, I'm always touched by the way you write. I can see images through your words. I'm glad that your mom is doing well.
Thank you Nera, you made my night and I'll tell my mom what you said, God Bless
Kimberly - you are writing some beautifully, poignantly, *seriously* important work! Your tone here is so honest and strong and gripping.
Oh - and I *despise* the term "domestic abuse" as well - at least its effect. Why not call it what the hell it is? Assault and battery! Or, unfortunately, worse if that's the case. "Domestic abuse" just to me sort of harkens back to a subconscious message from the era where people thought "oh, it's none of our business, dear!".
Violence should not be sugar-coated. Very powerful stuff, sweetie. While I'm newly offended that a gentle heart like you has gone through yet other crap, I'm not at all surprised that you survived and are now expending this energy opening up to and helping others. :)
-stan
Stan thanks my good friend. I think it was so smart for HubMob t pick this topic for content. It's just another step towards breaking the silence far to many have kept secret. Let's hope it does help others. So glad you came by, I'll be by soon too, Bless
Anyone who has not lived through this sort of abusive violence can not possibly imagine what it is like. It is much worse for a small child. I know what you mean when you say you were "never a child". Neither was I. I had to protect my younger brothers & sisters, so never had a childhood. It is a dark, terrifying, confusing, and painful world for a child to live in. And yes, also there is so much shame attached to it - the shame that you do not live in a "normal" family.
I am sorry you had to grow up that way - sorry I did, also. It does make you different, doesn't it?
The only way I finally came to terms with it so it would not ruin me, was to understand that my father was a product of his own upbringing, and not responsible for the behavior, that it was not my fault and I was not responsible for it in any way.
My father died a year ago.
I did not go to the funeral.
MagicStar, you just helped me a great deal, and you need to know that. You helped me by validating that my feelings are real and I am not alone. I will never understand why such permanent damage is put on children (like you and I) with sure, abilities to heal but never ever completely, just like the funeral. Thank you for your words and so much for dropping by, you really did help me. Bless.
You make me thinking "what am I doing?" I am not sure. I feel that I am being psychologically absused for a long time and I am still here.
Dao, be good to yourself and listen to your heart, you seem like an amazing person, thank you for coming by, sincerely, Kimberly
Very moving.. thank you for writing this. Awareness really needs to increased in regards to domestic violence. It took a lot of time, counseling, healing and learning to break away from this dynamic. I had been a victim of abuse as a child and as an adult in relationships, then later found myself being the "abuser."
Especially when children are victims or witness it the events, a vicious cycle can emerge.
Miss, the cycle is viscous and until we jump off the merry-go-round it keeps continuing. Thank you so much for sharing and even your brave comment helps spread awareness, bless you and thank you
lyricsingray says:
2 weeks ago
Help is available, Safety is available, recovery is available and healing is possible. Reach out, people need your help too.