Understanding Domestic Abuse From the Inside

Domestic abuse is not a new issue. It is something that has been going on ever since the beginning of civilization. It's been a subject to be kept hidden in the closet for a very long time; in recent decades though, it has been escaping. Women have been speaking out about domestic abuse, but more needs to be done to create an atmosphere of awareness among the outsiders, those not inside the proverbial four walls; especially those who are choosing to look the other way. You see, when a woman is in an abusive relationship, everyone who is not a part of the domestic unit, is an outsider.

It is very easy to be judgmental of both the abused and the abuser, when your life doesn't consist of abusive treatment. It is interesting too, that most outsiders are in denial about the abuser, when they are close to them, and harshly judgmental regarding the abused. Like it's her problem; she's doing something wrong...

"Harry just isn't like that. He would never do such terrible things. I've never heard him even raise his voice."

"Sally must've done something to set him off. Why is she saying such terrible things about her husband? Poor Harry. I've never seen any bruises, or black eyes..."

The biggest argument most people in pro-denial have is, "Why does she stay if it is so bad?" Again, this puts it all on her.

Why would she lie? Why would any woman make up abuse? Certainly not for attention considering all the negative finger pointing usually goes in her direction, while the sympathy goes to the accused. And as for pity, abused women don't want it. They want understanding and support; they need it.

Women stay in abusive relationships for a myriad of reasons; all of them tied to fear. It's hard to imagine if you've never been in those shoes, but fear rules the life of an abused woman.

Women have every right to be afraid too. They've been programmed that way, by their abuser. What are they afraid of? The list is long, but here's something to give you an idea:

Fear of having no place to go

Fear of having no money

Fear for her children

Fear of being found, stalked, brought back...

Fear of being killed (30% of homicides committed against women are at the hands of an intimate partner- boyfriend, husband.)

What about going to the police, you ask? Law enforcement has failed women miserably in the past. Some very courageous women have been killed by their abusers because law enforcement failed to protect them when they asked for help. Restraining orders are a great thing to have, but they are only as effective as the police who enforce them.

Guilt keeps them in the relationship too. Misplaced guilt, that is. Abused women have been psychologically programmed, by their abuser, to think that they are the problem, that the abuser only does the things he does because of the things she does. In other words, he is reacting to her; it's her fault.

Not all abuse is physical, and that is another thing that the outsiders need to learn. The abusive cycle starts with psychological and emotional abuse. Sometimes it stays at that level, but it usually progresses into physical abuse. It is all about control, and some abusers get the level of control they require without violence, yet others don't use violence because that is how they can convince themselves that they are doing nothing abusive.

You see no bruises because he's beating her on the inside.

Whether the harm is done with words and actions, or through physical violence it is still abuse, and it still hurts. Emotional and psychological abuse tears a woman down to the core. It strips her of her identity, keeping her a prisoner in the insane asylum of her life. When she is told repeatedly, that she is worthless, she believes she is truly worthless. If you are worthless, you have nowhere to go, and the abuser has effectively locked the cell door.

Domestic abuse victims need outreach, support, and a legal system that works for them. They don't need pity, or judgment. Victims of domestic abuse need your help! Try to walk in those shoes and then ask yourself, "Who would help me?" It is easy to say that you'd do this, that, or the other thing, but unless you are actually in the trenches, you have no idea.

Copyright © 2007

The Trii-Zine Ezine

About the Author:

A domestic abuse survivor, Trina Sonnenberg used writing as a coping mechanism during her years of abuse. Her book, 'My Journey' is the result of that personal struggle and has been published as a way of offering solidarity and hope to others who are in a similar situation.

Trina L.C. Sonnenberg

Publisher - The Trii-Zine Ezine - Your Trusted Source for Internet Business and Marketing Information. Serving online professionals since 2001. ISSN# 1555-2276

Understanding Domestic Abuse: Emotional Abuse

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the terms, domestic abuse, or battered woman? Black eyes, broken bones, bruises... am I right? Generally speaking, that's what most people think of first, but domestic abuse is so much more.

What is emotional/psychological abuse, and how does it relate to battered women?

According to Wikipedia.com, it means: "... coercion, humiliation, intimidation, relational aggression, parental alienation or covert incest: Where one person uses emotional or psychological coercion to compel another to do something they do not want, or is not in their best interests; or when one person manipulates another's emotional or psychological state for their own ends, or commits psychological aggression using ostensibly non-violent methods to inflict mental or emotional violence or pain on another."This type of abuse occurs alone, or as a precursor to violent abuse. Either way, the damage it causes is inexcusable. Emotional/psychological abuse, is the first and most often used weapon in a relationship, where one partner demands control of the other. Outside of causing death, it is the most damaging form of abuse, and the most stealthy. Studies indicate that 1 in every 4 women have experienced emotional/psychological abuse, without having been physically assaulted.

Those who are emotionally abused have no physical proof of the abuse. How do you report such things? What are you going to say to the officer on the phone, or at the door? As a result, this type of abusive treatment is not reported to police.

Psychological abuse can be so severe that the woman going through it may begin showing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, a psychological affliction affecting war veterans. This is why therapy for the victim is critical.

Many woman experience isolation from family and friends, who would provide a possible support system. Some are not permitted access to money, or employment. The combination of these two tactics tighten the noose, making escape appear impossible.

These women are continually told, by their abuser, that they are stupid, unlovable, incapable, and worthless. Nothing they do is ever good enough, and the abuser is quite vocal about it. And, as the icing on the cake, if she would just do what she's told, everything would be right with the world. Yeah right!

Emotional abuse tears down a woman's sense of self. It warps her perception of the world around her. His reality becomes her reality; she is the problem. This is some seriously profound identity theft.

The truth is that he is the problem, and she is the solution, but neither of them see it that way. She believes what she's told to believe.

Psychological abusers work to keep her off balance. If he can make her doubt herself, he wins another round. Abusers contradict themselves often, in order to make her feel as though she's really crazy. She can't function without him, if she doesn't trust her own mind.

However, as I said before... She is the solution. She can change her life; no one else can, but she often needs someone to recognize the abuse; help her see it and escape it.

What do you do when something is broken? You fix it! Now she can't fix her abuser, only he can do that. Nevertheless, she can fix her life and the circumstances in which she lives. She can seek and get support for mind, body and spirit. There are services available to her for food, shelter, legal assistance, etc.. So, if you know someone who is being abused, or if you suspect it, reach out to them. Most women who are rmotionally abused don't even realize that what they are going through is abuse.

Copyright © 2007

The Trii-Zine Ezine

About the Author:

A domestic abuse survivor, Trina Sonnenberg used writing as a coping mechanism during her years of abuse. Her book, 'My Journey' is the result of that personal struggle and has been published as a way of offering solidarity and hope to others who are in a similar situation.

Trina L.C. Sonnenberg

Publisher - The Trii-Zine Ezine - Your Trusted Source for Internet Business and Marketing Information. Serving online professionals since 2001. ISSN# 1555-2276

Understanding Domestic Abuse: Why Does She Stay?

One of the most devastating misconceptions that many people have about domestic abuse is the notion that the abuse must not be real, or serious, if she doesn't leave. I'd say that it is safe to say that the question that many need an answer to is: Why does she stay?

It is fairly common, for outsiders to look down their noses in judgmental fashion, at a woman, simply because she stays in the abusive environment. I wonder how many of these same people feel abused at their place of employment, yet continue to work there.

Women do not stay in abusive relationships because they enjoy, or accept the abuse.

Women stay in abusive relationships because of: Fear, Guilt, Financial dependence, Religious beliefs, Denial, to name just a few.

What does she fear?

A woman fears many things, while inside an abusive relationship. Many women fear that their desire to leave will be discovered and any attempt at leaving will fail. Abused women have usually become isolated from family members, friends and other people who may be able to offer support, so she fears not having help, before, during, or after leaving.

These women fear being found,brought back, and punished for having tried to leave their abuser. They fear for their safety as well as that of their children. To defy an abusive partner is dangerous business.

For some, they have not been permitted to work outside the home, nor have access to family finances; they feel financially trapped. Where is she to go without money, or access to it?

The psychological abuse that women endure is a major factor in why she stays. She has been programmed, by her abuser, that all the problems within the relationship are her fault. This is where guilt enters the stage.

She may feel guilty for not being able to make her husband happy enough, her own abuse, for not being able to protect her children, and guilty for every negative thing she has ever heard her abuser say. When you hear negative things about yourself, long enough, whether they are true or not, you come to believe them as truth.

Along with that, religious beliefs can inspire a tremendous amount of guilt. I'm not a good wife... I'm not a good mother... I should be submissive to my husband, etc... Let's face it... there a religions that actually condone beating a wife for disobedience.

Finally, some battered women don't realize they're being abused, simply because they have not sustained physical injury. Not every battered woman is beaten.

I am not a battered woman... He's never actually hit me... He just says things he doesn't mean when he's angry, drunk, or high...

Domestic abuse and violence are not synonymous. All women who have been beaten have been emotionally/psychologically abused (battered), but not all emotionally/psychologically abused women have been beaten. Sadly, those who have bee physically assaulted are one up on those who wear their scars on the inside. Physical abuse produces physical evidence. Emotional abuse does not. Therefore, physical abuse can be reported and punished; not so for emotional/psychological abuse.

So, why do women stay? Because they feel damned if they do, and damned if they don't. Without support and resources they are stuck.

No one deserves to be abused... NOT EVER.

Copyright © 2007

The Trii-Zine Ezine

About the Author:

A domestic abuse survivor, Trina Sonnenberg used writing as a coping mechanism during her years of abuse. Her book, 'My Journey' is the result of that personal struggle and has been published as a way of offering solidarity and hope to others who are in a similar situation.

Trina L.C. Sonnenberg

Publisher - The Trii-Zine Ezine - Your Trusted Source for Internet Business and Marketing Information. Serving online professionals since 2001. ISSN# 1555-2276