Dream of Missing the Mark

Back in 1994 I decided to get out of teaching and make some real money working as a human resource development executive. I had two dreams that told me that in making this effort, I was missing the Mark, that my real work was to try and reach a higher level of consciousness and that work as a high paid executive would only feed my false personality.

Alex and I were walking along the north fork of the Merced River. He was telling me about his meeting with the board of directors of the hospital that wanted to merge his rural health clinic into their H.M.O. How he bought a new suit, shirt, shoes, and tie; had to make the right impression. If the merger went through, he'd double the eighty thousand a year he was making. I was thinking how three years earlier Alex had quit his job, was dead broke, owed the tax man over two hundred thousand, and was ready to change his identity and take off for parts unknown. “If he can do it so can," I told myself and decided to book the flight to Philadelphia to see about becoming an independent associate with a human resource development company.

On the one hand, the whole effort was a big mistake. Only, I had more than one goal in mind. As I look back, I see that I was still asking the question, “How can I pay off my credit card debt?” But, I was beginning to identify vague impressions of psychological forces that were motivating the habitual thoughts that drove my actions. Like a song in the back of my mind was the saying that came from Vance's dad, "Once a job you have begun, do not leave it 'til you're done." Both Vance and I agreed that it was a true saying. And, what was my job? To pay off my debt; the credit cards, the house; to get some money in the bank, make the money work for me... Another saying that came from Vance is, " I admire a man who acts. Action, get the job done... Do it, even if it's wrong. Do it. Just do it. Do something!"

I was getting these impressions just at the time when I was seeing more and more that one cannot do. True doing is often not doing. By now, I was deep into Gurdjieff, and putting to practice many of his concepts. And, though this is a doing, it is a doing largely in un-doing. I was asking myself how can I use this effort at earning extra money as work on lower centers, how can I use it to become a more conscious being? Another part of my work was to increase the conscious level of my moving, thinking, and emotional centers. Gurdjieff stresses that real work is preparing lower centers so they can receive influences from higher centers. I knew that there was very little chance for me to become a successful executive, but the excitement of the venture would provide a break in my routine and give conscious shocks to my system that would put holes in my conditioning.

The day after my walk along the river with Alex, I have the following dream.

I'm in an elevator with three men in business suits. I'm also dressed in suit and tie, but feel very uncomfortable, my tie almost choking me. When we reach the very top floor, I follow the others, who look to be in their late 50's, out to the roof. We walk to a concrete stairway, more a wide ladder with slots cut in the concrete every two feet or so. "It's really great to be able to eat out like this. Especially at our age," the guy up front says as he hurries us up the ladder. Looking at the climb, which seems to go on forever, I grow very anxious. I'm wondering how there could be an eating-place up where we're going. I can see that the concrete structure is too narrow to support more than three or four people. My anxiety grows and I have the strong feeling of really not wanting to be up this high. I know we're going to fall, I keep telling myself.

We're back at the bottom of the ladder. Our lead guy, who is now my friend, Alex, tells us he made a mistake. "The eating places are really on the roof level," he explains. He and the other two walk off towards several up beat looking coffee shops. They stop at a pushcart vender, and order pieces of expensive pastry. I glance at several exclusive looking restaurants across the way, and tell myself, I can't afford to be up here eating lunch...

The dream is telling me that in wanting to land the job as a human resource executive I am missing the Mark. I am aiming at a position that will only strengthen my false personality. In a dream clothes represent the ideas that you are fitted with. The business suit and tie that is coking me indicate that getting ahead through earning more money is not conducive to further growth. The businessmen that I am climbing the stairs with are not associates who will help me to climb to higher levels of being. The expensive restaurants and shops at the top of the ladder are not goals that I should be aiming at.

Several nights later I have a second dream. A heavy set older looking man is walking naked in the basement of a large beautiful church. I feel a sense of shame and disgust at the sight of his nakedness as I watch him walk toward the altar. At the same time, I sense a profound holiness that grows stronger as we go deeper into the arched structure. At the front, he turns right and follows an inner hallway to a small room that contains three gorgeous young naked women. When he sits down on the couch, I realize that the naked man is me. (The women are also me, but I don't realize it.) One of them has very lovely full breasts. As I look at her more closely, I begin to sense the blue color of her skin. It's a see through very light blue that gives off a luminous glow. The eldest of the three comes up and asks me why I feel shame at my nakedness. I rise from the couch, and tell her that the shame is gone. I'm a little surprised at the truth of my revelation.

I'm in the shower room with the three women. The blue tinted one has stepped into the running water. Her luminous glow and the steam from the shower give a warm feeling to the place. I'm thinking my showering with them will prove that I'm not ashamed to be naked...

This dream supports the earlier one in telling me that I am missing the mark in attempting to become a human resource executive. The church represents the Work that I am just beginning to learn through my readings of Gurdjieff and Krsihnamurti. There is a profound holiness about the church, and the Work. To understand the work, to really get into it, I have to strip off all of my old ideas of what my job is. My job is not to pay off my credit card debts and put money in the bank. My job is to raise my level of being.

The blue tinted girl in the dream is my anima, the female counter part of myself. I need to work on developing this inner spiritual aspect of myself. I need to stop feeling ashamed of the naked truth that I have a long way to go in my spiritual growth.

I did not take the advice that the dreams were offering me and flew to Philadelphia to pursue the job. I went to work for the human resource company on a part time basis and lucky for me I was not successful. When I left the company I had more time to pursue my real work. If I had paid more attention to the dreams I would have had a little more time to aim at the mark.