Dreaming of other partners when already in a relationship!
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Simon Cowell
David Tennant
Ian Ogilvy
I admit that I am concerned by the fact I do dream of being intimate with other men, in spite of being married. I do love my Husband loads, and can't imagine a life without him, but I can't seem to stop the periodic dreams of being with, or kissing other men. This might only happen once a fortnight, but the dreams are vivid, and more often than not the male involved is a well known TV/film actor or personality.
To illustrate this point, in recent months I have had these kinds of dreams which included "Simon Cowell" as the other man, "David Tennant", (of Dr Who fame), "Ian Ogilvy" (from the 1970's series Return of the Saint), and various others whose names and faces escape me right now.
The worst part of this is waking up and actually feeling quite disappointed that it is "only a dream", whilst feeling incredibly guilty for feeling this way when my Husband works so hard to support me, obviously loves me and is genuinely patient with my various emotional and (minor) physical problems. Does this make me a bad person, does it mean there is something not right in my relationship, is this normal? The answer is, I just don't know, but I know these dreams leave me feelng low and disgusted at myself, plus having a terrible fear that I cannot ever discuss this with my Husband for fear of hurting him, or feeding any insecurities he may have. We have been together over four years now, and although he frequently frustrates the hell out of me, and in general I am the stronger half of the partnership, I do love him, (albeit not in the adolescent teenager sense of the word, but more in the calmer adult sense of the word). Perhaps I struggle to respect him in the way I should! Although he is very kind, he is not as quick off the mark as I am, and I can find it frustrating having to explain various things to him several times before he understands them. This is not helped by his short attention span, that means as people are talking to him on a subject, he either "glazes over" or simply interrupts them completely and totally changes the subject, apparently oblivious to the conversation that was taking place
With all of my love for him in mind, as well as his more immature and frustrating habits (for a 42 year old), why is it I find it exciting to dream of the passion you feel when another attractive man kisses you for the first time and all those goosebumps and aroused emotions flood to the surface? Am I unfulfilled in some way by my relationship? Do I simply miss my exciting youth where I could flirt and be chatted up? Is this need to have the excitement of the 'first kiss' , the 'mating game', the 'anticipation of first time sex with a new partner' a sign that I am approaching some kind of mid-life crisis?
Ian Ogilvy Continued.
My Husband would have sex / make love, with me daily if I let him, yet I have an incredibly low libido. This doesn't stop me periodically dreaming of sex with other men though, and I wake up with a feeling of wishing it had been real, even though I know this is not how it should be. I feel that this really isn't my Hubby's fault, but that possibly by constantly pestering me for sex, he pushes me away and makes me want sex less than ever, (much like forcing chocolate cake down someone who loves chocolate, would eventually result in them not wanting chocolate cake under any circumstances). I have tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he grasps it, especially as whenever he cuddles up to me he inevitably ends up groping my boobs, or trying to put his hands lower down!! Both of which have simply become an annoyance nowadays! Yes, I have told him this, but it seems to fall on 'deaf ears' and he just jokes about how he needs to have an affair or needs to leave me, which all joking aside leaves me feeling very insecure, especially as to coin a phrase, "Many a true word is spoken in jest". In fact what it serves to achieve is to make me "go along with having sex /making love", just to put a smile on his face and stop him banging on about it for a day or so. However, you can imagine how this makes me feel, not contented I can assure you, in fact sometimes I struggle to allow him to touch me at all in these instances, as I am not in the mood, and am going though with it for all the wrong reasons. This is not to say he is not good in the bedroom department, in fact he is a totally unselfish lover and would do anything I asked of him, problem being I just want to relax and do things like.... well..... this for instance! No mess, good fun, very relaxing and what I enjoy!
I have never been unfaithful to my Husband, not even in the tiniest way, but my dreams make me feel as if I have, and the fact I am disappointed when I wake up realising they aren't real, feels like infidelity in itself. I struggle to understand why I can have a huge sex drive in my dream state fantasies, yet in my normal day to day marriage I almost avoid sex, and certainly want it to be a simple "wham, bam, thank you mam" when I do have it, and with none of the foreplay or duration that most women apparently desire. Believe me, five minutes would suit me just fine, nothing any longer, and none of the apparently expected oral exchanges, (from either end of the body).
To be totally honest I am at a loss to understand this. Am I normal? I doubt it as most couples seem to demand far more sex than I do if the polls on my hub on "How often do you and your partner have sex.... honestly" are anything to go by. Meanwhile I live with the guilt of wishing I could still enjoy the adrenalin rush of the build up to intimacy with a new partner, one who makes you feel truly sexy and desired, and can arouse you simply by brushing their lips over your neck, yet why can't I feel like this with a man I love, and who loves me still after four years of marriage? I love him to cuddle me and stroke my back, but I just seem unable to get aroused anywhere other than in my dreams, and then it is with the unattainable, but very sexy idols of TV and film.
Tell me, is it just me???
Assuming you are in a good relationship do you dream about intimacy with other partners?
See results without votingDo you think it is wrong to dream about being intimate with other partners as long as you don't act on it in real life?
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Comments
Hi Q&T, not so simple I am afraid, e.g. I haven't watched Ian Ogilvy on TV for about 25 + years, as for David Tennant, that has been well over a year. Simon Cowell, well, only when X-Factor is on. I am guessing that even if I didn't watch these guys on TV it would be someone else who I had seen, (some years back, and prior to this marriage, it was Adrian Paul from Highlander the series, or David Boreanaz from Angel the series).
Sorry, but I also find praying doesn't help, (although I do believe in a far greater power). It just seems like something I am meant to go through, but I don't know why, and in my own experience praying seldom seems to help on any problems I have asked for help or guidance on.
I know the feeling re-the drinking, as I do find it quite hard to go a day without drinking, albeit only cider, but am starting to worry this may be an additional problem I have to confront.
Thanks for the advice and the feedback :)
Maybe ask your husband if you talk in your dreams ?
Or tell him that you wish he could do for you what your dreams do and see what he says ?
Hi Misty: Simon Cowell? I hate that egomaniacal little punk! He is slime personified, you need a psychiatrist. Bob
PS Discuss this with your hubby; all people dream and you have no control over it. Maybe it's better in your case than actually acting out these hidden impulses in real life. You've had a bad man; don't screw up things with a good one. Sex ain't everything!
and you're not even watching soap operas. let's imagine if that occurred. but truthfully you got me worried a little bit.
Misty
I believe what you've mentioned in this hub to be more common than people let on. Perhaps there are many other housewives that have similar dreams and men that do the same, but with other women. I've had dreams like that about other women, but still love my wife.
Our sex life is fine but one can fantasize!
I understand what you are talking about when you said "forcing chocolate cake down someone who loves chocolate."
I have an old saying, " A man convinced against his/her will, is of the same opinion still!" I didn't originate that quote and not sure who did, but it's very true.
The love making or sex your husband needs or desires, needs to be your idea in order for it to happen, not forced! Maybe if he would learn that, he would be successful and you would be happier? How to teach him that is the question. Possible provide him with some literature for him to read, suggestive stuff.
Have you ever played dress up? Maybe you can have some fantasy time with your hubby, letting him dress up as a stranger or something, making it fun and interesting.
I have to be truthful with you though, your circumstances sound a little like you being "unhappy" in your current relationship. You might want to do some soul searching about that. Perhaps meditate on it and see where you go.
Let me ask you a question, do you find your husband attractive? If not, maybe fix that. Buy him some clothes, get him a hair cut, spa treatment or whatever.
If none of that works, then you might consider that alternative.
Just my thoughts
Jeff
PS I drew a portrait of Simon Cowell on one of my blogs!
Hi again Q&T, no I don't talk in my dreams apart from maybe the very occasional word of absolute gobbledigook, and the other weird thing is that I can't really say to my Husband I want him to do the things that happen in my dreams because often they are quite trivial, and simply consist of the flirting stages of a potential encounter as opposed to specific physical actions. Kind of hard to explain in words, and often even I can't remember the finer details of the dream once I wake up, just the people in the "starring roles".
Hi Diogenes, thanks for commenting, LOL re-your Simon Cowell comments, I probably do need a shrink I guess, mind you, many women find him pretty irresistable, my guess is because he is successful, good looking and not afraid to speak his mind. All traits that act as a great aphrodisiac to a woman.
Don't worry, I have no intention of acting on these dreams in real life, although I may ask my Hubby if he experiences the same sort of dreams, and then tell him that I do too. He is a very good man, and I have no intention of losing him simply for a cheap thrill elsewhere.
Hi ocbill, LOL, actually I do watch the soap operas, funnily enough I have dreamt of both Phil and Grant Mitchell (Eastenders characters) in the past.
When you say I have got you worried now, do you mean that you do the same? i.e. dream about other partners.
Most of the men I have spoken with about sex - sex being a popular topic with most of them - have expressed an unabashed desire for many women, mostly famous, referring to specific attributes they find particularly attractive. Personally I tend to imagine almost all of the women I meet as partners, at least in passing. Don't tell anyone :)
Hi Rvsource, I am beginning to think this is quite a common trait in relationships, and am guessing it could even be quite a healthy way of avoiding literally straying.
Yes we have done the whole dressing up thing in the early days of our relationship, (or at least I did the dressing up), but I don't think it would work for me if the man did it. Thesedays I can't motivate myself to bother with all the dressing up in sexy lingerie stuff, and am quite happy to simply have basic sex.
I am happy in my relationship, I guess I just miss the excitement and the thrill of the chase, plus I am 40 in December, which is quite a significant milestone for a woman, (not that I am one of those who is going to get really depressed about hitting 4o or anything like that).
My Husband does need to take better care of himself in terms of losing some weight (Recently he hit 15 stone at one point, although he has lost about half a stone since then). He always dresses smartly, and he is not an unattractive man, especially as he is also very funny and can have a room in stitchs laughing with some of his anecdotes from his life. Don't think the hair idea will work though, as he is bald LOL.
So no, I don't think I am unhappy in my relationship, but maybe I am unfulfilled in my life overall, and feel a need for some excitement, and this is surfacing in my dreams.
BTW, which of your hubs has the picture of Simon Cowell on it. I would love to see it?
Thanks Jess, that makes me feel better. Do you dream about them too though, or just fantasize when you are conscious?
Good hub, you got your feelings out, and the pictures are great. Don't worry, really. Look at the poll results. Everybody dreams about someone who isn't their partner. And it's ok so long as you don't act on it.
You might want to work on the hubby a little more about leaving you alone when you don't feel like doing the bad thing. He needs to be able to recognize your signals and tune in to you better.
Occasionally I have dream about a female acquaintance, but in the dreams there is usually no sex. It's just assumed that this is a person I have (had) sex with. We're like, having lunch or something. Do I have a sickness?
Thanks Paradise, I do feel better now, (it always helps to get a general consensus of opinion). Will try to work on the hubby, but not easy as he sulks if I say no too often, and to be honest I probably wouldn't bother with making love more than once a week if it were down to me, but he seems to be chasing for it constantly, which makes me always seem reluctant to respond, even on the once (or twice) a week basis. Tricky one to solve!
Perhaps you have more of an emotional connection than a physical attraction to this person Jess.
Thanks, Misty. An emotional connection sounds much better than a sickness. :)
Hi Misty
A lot of the answers I thought I would hear. I understand about the 40 thing. When I hit 40, it was similar for me. I went out and bought a Harley! I sold it shortly afterwards.
I will be 48 in November, the 18th in case you want to throw me a party!
My drawing hub is this address http://hubpages.com/hub/Drawing-Simon-Cowell
Take care
Jeff
Have fun. At least you aren't dreaming of it with that flasher feller. LOL
It's impossible to control what you dream, unless you have lucid dreams (Which are rare, and sex dreams are generally not lucid dreams, in my experience)
Even I have had weird, weird, and weirder erotic dreams that don't involve my wife. I told her about the weirdest one (It involved a guy, which was weird enough, I NEVER have heterosexual encounters in erotic dreams, EVER, but the subject happened to be a young man that I had gone to school with since kindergarten,and, when I was about six, had told my parents I was going to marry because, while unrelated to the best of our knowledge, we had the same last name and "If you're gonna make me marry a boy, I don't want to lose my last name!")
Amy's response was, "Did you have fun?"
(for the record, I took my wife's name when we got married. I think the whole last name thing was just a child's way of rebelling against the system!)
Hi Jeff, a fabulous hub, and my God, what an artist you are, I just wish I had an eighth of your talent. Happy Birthday for the 18th of Nov by the way.
Ick Ralwus, what a thought, never in a million years could I fancy that troll!!!
Ironically tonight I had the dubious pleasure of being chatted up by a 50 + year old man, with a gold capped front tooth, a Wife in Turkey, and one who openly said to my best (female) friend, that he wouldn't "climb over me to get to her". What an insulting and hurtful a thing to say to her, (especially as she is very insecure anyway). Why do I attract such a bunch of muppets???
LOL at Ralwus.
I don't understand what's the big deal people? I'm sure we are just as guilty! But I admit that you are becoming more stronger by confessing these things and wanting to do something about it.
Misty
Thanks for the b-day wish! Who knows maybe you can draw better than you think!
If you write a hub on how to draw pets I might just give it a try. :)
After I draw "Lady" I will make a hub about it, fair enough?
Sounds like a great idea Jeff, and one hub I shall definitely follow with great interest so I can see how you did it.
Great,
Just waiting on your photo! Pencil and eraser ready!
Hi Jeff,
I do have a few photos in mind, but am waiting for a friend in the UK to email me some he took a couple of years ago, as he says they were lovely. I have asked to send them to me asap without telling Mum about it to avoid spoiling the surprise.
Will send all of them as soon as I get them.
Thanks again :)
Sounds great, looking forward to it Misty! Your Mum will be happy, promise!
I am sure she will be Jeff, I am greatly impressed by what I have already seen of your work. I just wish I was as good at art :)
Hi Suiiki
LOL, my Mum and Step Dad actually had the whole "last name" conversation a couple of days ago. We agreed that it seems unfair that the woman gives up her name for the Husband, especially if the woman is the last in her family to hold the same surname, with no-one to continue it. The probelm we then came up with was what surname the resulting children would have if each half of the couple kept their original surnames. (obviously this is less complicated if you adopt your wife's surname).
I started to read your article light heartedly and as i got into it, I noticed you were actually serious and revealing your true feelings. The thing with some men is that after a while they stop doing all those things that make us warm, receptive and really "into" them. Little things such as a nice kiss and cuddle before going off to work, paying attention, random acts of affection. Not just the Wam Bam! I hope things get better. :)
Hi Lady_E, actually what is nice is that my Husband does still do those things, cuddles me, kisses me before he leaves for work, tells me he loves me and even brings me breakfast in bed on a Sunday. I wouldn't feel so guilty if he didn't do those things LOL. Thanks for commenting
Honestly, I think what you are going through is normal. To dream of something you know is out of your reach, to fantasize about having an encounter, is not saying anything to your love of your husband, or family.
Maybe the key is in something you posted. I took your posting to say, that you struggle to respect your husband as you percieve that you should. Maybe, that is part of the "Key" to your issues with your being ashamed.. I don't know. However, over time a relatinship goes stagnant. It has to be worked on, not by forcing someone to live up to your expectations; thus thinking omeone has to be fixed.
I have found, that truely open conversation is the door to fixing what may be at issue. Keeping secrets or trying to fix someone else to hold up to your expectations, is a waste of energy and is somewhat dishonest, in my opinion.
I have always subscribed to telling anyone, with whom I become involved in is that I am human. I am going to have thoughts about other people and will look at the opposite sex, until such time as I am submerged below the surface of this earth. I joke about dropping my spouse or significant other is so and so, were to come up and show interest in me. I would not hesitate for a moment, then I apologize to keep myself off of the sofa at night. lol...
I am positive that if the conversation were to come up, lightly, that your significant other would admit that he has people he is attracted to, and that he has had thoughts, dreams and even fantasies about them. Denial, would only be a lie. If that is the case, you both need to have a 'heart to heart" discussion about where you are in your relationship.
Again, this is my opinion and how you percieve it is your peroggative. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings, that isn't my intentions here. Good Luck!
quietnessandtrust says:
2 months ago
Sounds like you had better get this under control Misty. =8-}
My guess is that this happens in your thought life during the day too ?
Not saying I do not feel your desperation to make it go away.
It sounds very real and maybe you need to stop watching the shows with these men in them?
Sounds like you might be in denial about your real sex drive because obviously you have one in your dreams and yet are robbing your husband of it?
Maybe praying and then doing your part will help?
Sometimes when we cannot stop something we need to look to God.
I have had to do this when I could not stop drinking a 750mil bottle of Whiskey everyday!!!
~Shalom~