Let me begin by saying that children are a blessing and I am thankful for every one of them. I am the mother of two and the step mother of two more....all teenagers and perfectly able (but not likely to) read this article - I love you guys....but some times.......why I oughta!!!!

That said, lets move on to the subject at hand - CHORES and how to get a child to actually DO them.

Children are by nature, selfish. It is actually a survival instinct that has, in modern man, evolved into a type of stubborn arrogance that can be very hard for a parent to eradicate. Most forceful approaches only lead a child to believe that you do not have their best interests in mind and will back-fire in a slew of off putting mumbles about how much you "don't understand" or worse are "such a loser". These might result in even more forcefulness on the part of the parent followed by very audible statements involving "wiping a smile" off the child's face or even the inability to sit down for a week. None of these approaches are really effective in the long run and often result in a child losing interest in the family all together. Kids are very hard to push....try leading instead.

Another approach is through monetary encouragement. Many parents choose to pay the child either a weekly allowance or a daily stipend for the work that they are willing to do around the house. This, while effective with some children, really sends the wrong message.You are more than likely to hear, "you want me to do WHAT? for only $5" and "nah, I have enough money right now" just when you really need help washing the cars or cleaning up the poop in the dog pen. With more than one child, arguments arise over who was paid more, and therefor more loved....regardless of the job jar or task board that clearly shows that one child simply did more work. There is nothing wrong with supplying a child with an allowance when they are of age to need one, just try to prevent attaching money to chores in a earning type of relationship. Allowance can always be taken away as a disciplinary tactic but the work they do around the house needs to be required of them, not purchased as if they were a servant. It is their house too, they need to learn to be responsible for it. Kids can only be "bought" if they are in a selling mood.

Let me tell you what has worked for me.

It is important to make sure kids grow up understanding and noticing what you do to take care of the house and family. Include them in YOUR chores. Let them emulate you and tell them repeatedly what a good job they are doing. Kids who grow up seeing chores as a part of life don't feel resentful later. When they are old enough, give them a chore of their own - something they can have ownership of - maybe emptying the waste baskets on garbage day, or watering the plants (you might still need to supervise). Keep a calendar where they can see it and give them a star for every chore they do on a given day. At the end of the week present them with a prize for doing such a good job. It can be something small like a candy or pretty pencil but make it feel big. They will learn that appreciation is a goal. Recognition and pride is an award.

If your kids are older and have not done chores yet, the process can be a bit harder, but the principal is the same. Try NOT to make the process based on money but on getting what they want. In our house, if your chores are not done, then you don't get to have "fun" until they are. Business before pleasure. My kids know not to ask for a ride to a friends house or to expect to rent a new movie if their chores are not done. Keep the expectations realistic. My rules are that they dogs are walked daily, the dishwasher is emptied, their own messes are cleaned up (dishes, clutter etc) daily and that their rooms are clean every Friday. In the event that I ask for more complicated help, I will offer to pay them extra, the amount of which we negotiate. This way they learn the difference between allowance, which I give them weekly to learn independence and how to handle finances and money they earn which teaches them the value of a dollar.

Does it always work? Yes, and no. We have only one real rule in our house and that is respect. If they want to argue about their chores (Homework and illness are the only acceptable excuses) they will get a warning and then lose their allowance if they persist. If it escallates, they will lose priviliges like TV, video games, iPods etc. I don't take away their toys, just the modem, electricity, cell phone service or cable that I pay for to make them work. The same is true for inappropriate attitude or language (pissy fits and name calling). If they ask a question and can't wait for an answer....then the answer is NO. On issues of discipline you have to mean what you say and say what you mean. In these cases we have complete control and the message is that "I will not give you anything you don't deserve" Food, clothing, shelter and education (as well as loving support) are all that they NEED. Every thing they have is a privilege, remember that.