Embarassing Behavior In Kids
64Inside - Outside Self
Selective Listening
Do parents just not hear their screaming child at their table in the restaurant? Well, they hear it, I think. They just have a delayed listening/reacting habit. Now, don't get mad. I know it's not easy to control the kiddos when you're in public. I've had egg on my face in more ways than one. First, read my story about little Richie.
Failure to Thrive
Richie was two and a half when he entered our home and was one of our first foster children. Due to a development disorder and failure to thrive, he was about 9 months old in his development, with stunted growth. He had been fed a diet of soda crackers and water, and if his parents thought of it, they've give him a newspaper that he'd scoot back and forth across the floor. When he wasn't hiding from the torment of his slightly more developed brothers and sisters, that was the extent of his day.
Under nourished and under stimulated, he did not speak, and we weren't sure he could hear. He did not understand the world around him. Those first few days we managed to get some fluids and baby food down him and were happy he'd improved slightly.
Uncontrollable Behavior
Behavior is a gift. Especially misbehavior. It will tell us, what the child, or person, can't seem to put into words. When training foster parents for the state of Oklahoma, I would repeat the "behavior is a gift" concept many times. You couldn't blame the foster parent for disagreeing at first. It's pretty hard to see the destroyed furniture, the cut up $50.00 jacket, and the chopped hole in the bedroom wall as a gift.
I had reason to remember my own advice the first time we took Richie out to eat. After days of being in the house we were needing an outing. We called my husband's mother and invited her to dinner at the local cafe. Gathering Richie up with our older son, we drove to town. As new foster parents, we wanted our friends and neighbors to see our new family. We ordered Richie fries and chicken nuggets and coaxed him into trying a few bites. After a few feeble tries, he'd reach for it, then refuse it. For several minutes this went on at an ever increasing pace. Over and over, he reached for the food and pushed it away, making this odd gurgling sound. He was getting so frustrated that he began to bang the table. People were staring and Richie just got louder and louder.
First Impressions
So much for our first impression as great foster parents. Did I mention that my husband was the Assistant Chief of Police? It wasn't like we could fade into the background. To this day, I'm sure people in the restaurant were thinking we were pinching the poor child.
Coping Skills
After what seemed like days of torture, we got the annoyed server to bring a little sack and we boxed up the food and got out of there. As I turned to look behind us, my mother-in-law was going around the room to people she had known for many years saying "He's not theirs, you know. He's a foster child. They just got him a few days ago. It's not their fault and he really can't help it." She offered that explanation to every table between us and the front door.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. When we got into the car, Richie was clutching his food and became quiet. We gradually learned that his little "yes/no" fits were his only way of showing his stress. He didn't understand how to eat and everything tasted odd and different. We also discovered that if we bagged the food up, and he held it, he felt more in control and his "public distress" became less frequent, as did our embarrassment.
Acceptable Behavior
My point is, kids don't always please us in public. But please, if you take them to public places and of course, we must, be prepared to please the public. Leave early. Have respect for others; most won't understand or think the little squeals we are so used to, are cute or endearing.
I know parents are in a difficult spot. We have to shop and we have to eat and go to movies, and do all these things that keep us sane. Just commit to not turning a deaf ear to the sounds and behavior of the young ones with you. They will soon learn acceptable public behaviors when their fun is cut short if they "act out."
Extra HInt Bonus: Want to have a better time when you take your children out? Make sure every single day you spend some time rehearsing what you want them to do. Play "store, church, friend's house, restaurant," etc. Show them how they sit, talk, listen, shop, and do all the things at home that you want them to do in public. Rehearse. did I say Rehearse? That one skill will save many days. i Promise.
Embarassing Behavior In Kids in the News
- Queens College to help autistic children in ChinaNew York Post3 hours ago
Queens College will soon be lending its resources and expertise to the Beijing Wucailu Children Centre, a group that provides support for autistic children and the children’s families and teachers in China, the Flushing school announced last week.Pei...
- Fallon names behavior health director, Webster site chiefWorcester Telegram & Gazette10 hours ago
Dr. Traci-Marie S. Kasparian has been appointed behavior health director at Fallon Community Health Plan.
- Queens College to help autistic children in ChinaYourNabe.com2 hours ago
Queens College will soon be lending its resources and expertise to the Beijing Wucailu Children Centre, a group that provides support for autistic children and the children’s families and teachers in China, the Flushing school announced last week.
- Experts say controlling behavior is a warning sign for abuseABC 4 Salt Lake City1 second ago
SALT LAKE CITY (ABC 4 News) Susan Powell's family speaks with the media. They say there was no sign the missing mother was in danger. Others say she was in...
- Antipsychotic Prescribing in Children: What We Know—What We Need to KnowPsychiatric Times25 hours ago
A pair of recent research articles has cast the public spotlight on treating children and adolescents with antipsychotic medications. 1,2 In the first report, a large and broadly representative group of child and adolescent patients, all naive to antipsychotic medications, was followed for approximately 10 weeks after initiating treatment with olanzapine, risperidone, quetiapine, or aripiprazole.
- My Word: Treating transgender children as mentally ill creates the problemAlameda Journal28 minutes ago
We second Kerry Cook's gratitude to the Alameda Unified School District for creating the Community Advisory Committee, albeit for entirely different reasons. We are thankful that the district is working to create a more inclusive and tolerant environment in our schools.
- My Word: Treating transgender children as mentally ill creates the problemAlameda Times-Star30 minutes ago
My Word Rafael Pineda and Maria Jose Munoz
- Behavior improves with achievement in District 2KOAA Colorado Springs - Pueblo2 days ago
Student achievement in Harrison School District Two has improved to point that the district has been removed from academic watch by the state education department and is now fully accredited. One benefit of that change has been an improvement in student behavior. At Carmel Middle School in particular, kids are coming to school more often and acting out in class less. Half the number of students ...
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Comments
Marisue, I don't know how you handled such an experience. It is breaking my heart to read -both what the boy went through initially, then to make progress and be cared for by you, and to then have to go back. Ugh. I imagine he was very hard to let go of... you must be one strong woman!
amy Jane, thank you for your insight....it was so hard at the time...hindsight, it's still hard to realize that there are so many other cases so similar in tragedy I'm sure....Let me tell you this, Child Welfare normally does an excellent job in making recommendations to the court...and most of the time the court does it's best to respect parental rights....and keep the safety of the child in mind.  they do not govern happiness, unfortunately. Yet, with the passage of time, the courts have evolved into calling it "the child's well being" which allows them to think about attachment.  So...families fall apart and sre mended, and sometimes re-unified by grave error in judgement.Â
I can stand it all, if they just don't rush through cases, giving no thought to fact...treating them like numbers. In this case, Richie needed to be in a loving, stimulating environment, with parental visits. Didn't happen, but we had to move on and go to the next child waiting for help. THAT was nearly impossible, but we had to do it or get out of the system and we couldn't as we had 2 babies that needed us to become their parents. Â
what a journey.  thanks for reading!!!!  Marisue
Reading this really touched my heart. It shows me how strong a person you are also. Strength in patience and understanding. This is an eye opener.
Great Hub enjoy reading of the love you have God Bless
Sir Dent, thank you!!  Part of what I seem to be doing, by talking about those children and years...is opening the eyes of the public to what foster parents really go thru. so many times we get a bad rap in the press....and some of them deserve it as we see such horror stories of abuse in a foster home that's supposed to be safe. Still those are the minority -- even tho' we don't want it to happen to even one.
We learned to be accepting and respectful of differences both in values and religion. We learned our system was imperfect, yet one of the best in the world....with many improvements still needed.  We learned our normal parenting skills were not enuff....We learned by our mistakes and by the mistakes of others. We learned we never knew enough but could and should trust our inspiration and instincts.Â
We learned our own family had to come first. it was all hard.  but many times it was good.   thanks for reading and for "feeling." =) Marisue
commentonthis7 Thank you for stopping by and reading and commenting....!! I appreciate it! see you again on the hubs...marisue
Thanks for this. Good advice to 'practise beforehand'. It really doesn't work to tell a child how to behave when you are all in a new environment.
You described so well what is happening when children act out. They are trying to say something, but don't have a way to say it that is accepted by others. Maybe they don't have the actual language skills, maybe they don't have a stable emotional platform from which to speak, maybe they've been "hushed" so badly in the past that they are terrified of speaking up. You showed in this hub how you learned to listen to Richie by learning to understand his unique "language".
Regarding your comment to SirDent, I agree that we, the public, are ill- and under-informed about fostering. What we are fed about foster parenting is what Hollywood and TV serve up: drama on the cops and lawyers shows and sensationalism in the news.Â
Keep the hubs coming, Marisue.Â
2patricias...you are so right, "While you're in the middle of the quicksand...it is of little value to remember that your intent was to drain the swamp...." or close enough to the original quote...hopefully LOL
many times we'd discover a behavior in a place where it was hard to correct it and you'd think " OMYGOSH -- where did this come from??" and then, another rehearsal time would be needed. It was never ending of course.
thanks for stopping to read and comment!!! Marisue
Sally -- THANKS for reading again...I always value your input and you are right...many times kids are expressing in behavior what they can't or won't say in words. When parents would talk about kids lying, they would often be surprised at my first question "Do they feel it's safe to tell you the truth?" Because even us "adults" will cover our own butts at times when we shouldn't. It's instinct. Telling the truth is a great skill -- but sometimes we sabotage it's development.
I'm truthful, except when I'm not. hahahaha OK, I'm human. HMMMM another HUB, what is lying? Is it always bad? Are we supposed to tell someone they look great when they look horrible and all those other polite uplifting lies we tell...are they really lies, or social comments meant to help another? hmmmm
food for thought. Marisue
There are many lessons in this Hub, deeper than just the surface. It merits reading and re-reading to gain a better perspective. You are correct on all levels! Thank you for a touching story. All the best to you - Steph
Great point! There's nothing more annoying than a screaming kid in public. Especially if you're stuck, like on a plane or something.
Thank you Steph...I appreciate the re-read...I'm doing a lot of that myself on here...so many are writing pretty deeply about things and I have to study it...!!
Thanks for the comment! Marisue
esocial -- we've all been there and for sure, sometimes you just can't soothe the fussy child...I'm okay as long as I see the parent trying... it's the ignoring it that bothers me. See my new hub this afternoon about ignoring behavior...is this one case, for this foster parent, it payed off and my salute goes to them!! The HUB is entitled... "Parents to the Rescue - Or Not" and will be published after lunch. Thanks again for stopping by....Marisue
I think you have said more than you realize, here. This single hub speaks volumes about the depth of your strength and character! You certainly have my respect and admiration.
What a touching story. I have often thought about being a foster parent, but I know I don't have what it takes. You are truly a caring and patient person.
On the subject of kids in public, I am appalled at the way kids behave and even more so by the fact that the parents allow it. It shows a total disregard for others. I become so annoyed when I go out somewhere nice and spend my hard-earned money only to have the whole evening ruined by parents who refuse to leave with their misbehaving kids.
The rehearsing idea is great. Too bad more parents don't try it.
RMR, thanks for the compliment...I'm telling you any strength I have was bought with the wisdom from lots of mistakes. !!! Failure is the best teacher...if we don't get bitter.
Angela, you have what it takes to be a foster parent if you are willing to give up some privacy, accept invasion from the state, constantly be looking over your shoulder at the kids and the STATE (lol), have a sense of humor, are somewhat organized, can keep a journal (every night for your own protection, don't leave things to memory as you may to account for your time or actions one day) and can step out of emotions during emotional moments -- and have a great partner relationship of respect with your spouse or significant other. If you just have a starting amount of these, then you can build on them during the journey of foster care....
Many times I had to go into my bedroom, scream silently, shake it off, and go back to the situation. It can be exhausting...but easier if you don't take too many kids at once....
Thanks for you kind words.....!! Marisue
It is amazing what you CAN learn from childre's behaviors. My oldest behaviors lead us on a search to figure out what was wrong. It was like day and night, the child we knew she REALLY was, and the child that appeared once in a while. In the long run, it turned out she has a food allergy that causes only MINOR physical problems (mild eczema) but pretty major behavior problems. Even my husband has been hesitant to believe that her occassional behaviors were caused by her diet, until just the other day, when I pointed out a fit of rage she went into at only 2 years old, and how it stopped when we stopped giving her certain foods. Until that moment, he truely felt she could control her behavior if she chose to. (mostly because the REALLY major problems started when she was 7 and have just progressed). But changing her diet made a WORLD of difference. If we hadn't paid attention to her behaviors, the stupid school system would have sucessflly diagnosed her as bi polar, which is now where NEAR accurate. Kids speak to us with more than words, its up to us to listen!
oh wow! yes!! we should explore many possibilites.....GOOD POINT. good for you to be diligent....yeaaa! Thanks for commenting...this is a valid point parents need to consider!! Marisue
Well done Marisue for understanding his needs and trying to solve his problems. With love I am sure he will be great soon.
Great hub. For 5 years I was a live-in caregiver to MRDD (mentally retarded developmentally disabled) young adults. Although the majority of my experiences with them was a joy - even the public outings, there were those "bad days" that led to public outbreaks. Luckily for me and my co-workers, others around us could easily recognize that these people were "special," and were mostly very patient and understanding. An advantage you don't have with abused/neglected  children that "look normal." You, and you husband and son, deserve medals.
Thank you!! I'm working on a HUB about rescue kids from their own behavior in public....in this case NOT RESCUING worked.
I know what you mean -- and you deserve your own medal working with the MRDD. I'm patient...but not that patient and so glad there are those who are!!! Thanks for reading and commenting! Marisue
Your my heroes! When we help the ones with the least we help the Savior. I'm sure you've been blessed! Thanks for deeds and your word!
marisuewrites says:
2 years ago
Hi my friend....this one child was a blessing and an angel....He was diagnosed with smith Limley Opitz syndrome (named after the doctors that studied those particular symptoms..How would you like to have a disease named after you?? LOL ) but later with the progress he made with us, his diagnosed was changed to a less severe syndrome, but I can't remember the name of it. The smith limley one only gave him an age of about 11 years....that was the oldest...
However, his new diagnosis then, 1987 or so, gave him a longer life expectancy. He went home a very different child...one able to make his needs known, and one who could run and get out of the way.  We grieved and grieved that he was sent back to that destructive environment. Child Welfare tried to get the court to see it another way, which very often they don't. One of the many reasons for wrinkles and gray hair. haha God knew what he was doing tho....we did adopt the other 2 babies we had...and He knew our hands and hearts would be full with what was ahead of us, saving those 2 kids. A BOOK of stories in that ---  they are my sweet 22 and 23 year olds today.
We mentored the family for the next 6 months when Richie went home, but it became heartbreaking for us and Richie didn't understand why he couldn't come back with us....so we gradually quit. He was sick a lot, and is very likely not alive today...but we gave him a strong start...so hard to let go sometimes.  thanks for reading!!!!  Marisue