When I saw the weekly hubmob topic I knew it was time to tell my story. I had been mulling it around in my head for quite some time now.. How do I go about exposing myself yet not exposing myself to a degree that I become embarrassed or emotional. Then the thought crossed my mind why would I want to write about this now? Why would I want others to know what I had been through? Was ti to gain sympathy? No that wasn't it.. I do not like a lot of attention. Was it to put it behind me? In a way . But it was more about seeing how far I had come. I tell you now this hub was definitely difficult for me to write!

It has been three years since my divorce. let me rephrase that.. It has been three years since I regained my sanity.

I had been married seven years. At first there was happiness. But was it really? I began realizing I had a problem when I began to dread the weekends. At the end of the work day I would walk across the parking lot to my car in the summer weather. Everyone else was laughing or talking about what they were going to do over the weekend. I was going home to him. How did I get to feel this way? What happened? I had to take a serious look at my marriage.

I kept a journal about what has happened through my latter part of the marriage and the divorce. By going back through the journal I was able to pick out the red flags I ignored. I was also able to pick out some of the tactics he used in his emotional blackmail. I will review these tactics and share with you my personal experiences on how they became very evident.

The first thing that was obvious was that I had fallen into this sticky spiderweb of control. i had allowed it to happen. I had thought that I was doing good things by being so helpful.. then to discover that the more I do the more he would expect from me. Going home was the same routine. Pick up the baby, go home cook dinner let the dog out wash dishes make lunches and bath the baby. Sometimes he would help, but more often he would not. he would often complain about some ailment and then fall asleep. Sometimes he would criticize me. I found myself going to the park alot with my child.. just so we could be away from the negativity.

I found I had hardly any time with my friends. My first clue was the fact they did not call me. Secondly ever time I went out for night out with the girls I would get three or four phone call from him, wanting to know who was there what we were doing ect ect. One time he even drove by the restaurant. He stated that our son wanted to see where Mommy was.

He would often put down my friends or my family. I should have picked up on this but he even put down his own family.

As time wore on the phone calls were getting out of control He would call me while I was on the way to work then once in the morning while at work, at lunch at work , in the afternoon at work and then on the way home. One time I missed a phone call from him while I was at work. There was an impromptu meeting with a client's family. He was enraged that I did not bother to call him first to tell him I had a meeting.

Even before the divorce process started ther were alot of phone calls just so he would know where I was during the day. Who did I see, what did I eat for lunch ect ect ect.. This has always been standard. At the beginning of the relationship I thought it was sweet. Then it quickly became annoying.

Ridicule was a favorite tool of him. This is definitely considered emotional abuse. Often he would put down my job.At one time I had a job where I had to go out in the middle of the night ot search for run away kids. He always asked me not to go ( as if I had a choice). It would technically mean he would have to do something. He would often attack my self esteem (as if I had any at that point). "If you were just fifty pounds lighter you would be hot! "

I know this is not a tattle tale hub. But these actions made me aware that I had put myself into a bad situation when I married him. I let him totally control me without even realizing it!. He had little tricks that he would use to manipulate my behavior without even me realizing it. He is very much a dramatic person.. and uses it to try to evoke sympathy or attention. When these tactics do not work he gets angry and verbally attacks. When the verbal attacks do not work he becomes more threatening in body language.

There was one time right after the divorce we went to counseling. I thought it was best there to tell him what I had to tell him being a therapeutic setting. When I told him all the things he didn't want to hear he pulled out all the stops. He tried to bargain with me. Then he tried to emotionally plead with me. Then he was verbally aggressive with me. All the while the therapist was redirecting him and saying to him what he was doing. She would point out when he was using guilt as a defense mechanism. He also begin to bargain with me, and she pointed this out as well. The funny thing was every time she pointed out what he was doing he would change strategies. This opened my eyes to just how manipulative he is. At one point he took off his wedding ring and the therapist pointed out how dramatic he is. This made him angry! She had him pegged! However, the therapist did not have any common sense as she let us both go at the same time! This was horrible as he badgered me all the way to the car. He made statements about God taking me him and out son all to Heaven. At one point he kissed more forcibly as if it were going to change my mind. He took my cell phone out of the car and I think my flashlight. I backed away and went straight to the car. I opened the car door, got in and strapped up. He stood in the doorway. he did not move. Instead he stood there attempting to think of anything he could to change my mind about getting divorced. The therapist came out of her office and locked the door and went home. i couldn't believe it! I began yelling and telling him to move and he told me that no one could hear me. It had been nearly thirty minutes that I was trying to leave.  At this time I began to back up the vehicle with the door open. He began backing up with the driver door open and then hopped out of the way. I drove off.. He followed me in his truck down the interstate. This was the first time of many times he would follow me. The stalking had begun. Perhaps he thought he could intimidate me.

Upping the Ante.. When I made a decision to leave I had to do so with great care. He had already made threats about taking my baby away from me. I left and he began stalking me. At first it was driving by the road where I work, or driving up and down the road of the daycare when it was my turn to pick up the baby. Then it progressed to driving up and down the road in front of my apartment. He was around town a lot. once in the town grocery store once in a a gas station late at night. The bad thing was he was with my son when he was following me around. Even worse thing is that the police wouldn't do anything about it. the even worse worse thing is that he still to this day does it. In May of this year he walked into my new house totally univited. Labor day he was lurking at the bottom of my hill because he knew i would be walking down to see the festival. The potential for violence is ominous. Did I mention our child was asked not to return to daycare becuase of my Ex's actions? Yelling at the Daycare owner is never acceptable.

This is another famous tactic he would use in attempt to get me to go along with him. He was so ominous and forceful with his opinions in the past it is just easier to go along with him than to argue with him, even if he is wrong. This technique has been successful for him in the past so he consistently uses it. He is the kind of guy that would ask you for your opinion, then argue about it until you agree to see it his way. I admit in creating this monster as I never much disagreed with him because it was a never ending battle.

This technique became  more evident when lawyers became involved. He went to at least ten other lawyers in town to get them to do things his way in the divorce. According to my source..most of them recommended therapy for him. At one point he wanted to scrap the parenting plan and his lawyer almost quit on him.

This is another tactic and usually a last resort when all other tactics have failed. He plays the victim to get sympathy or attention. He has always been very histrionic. There is always some physical ailment going on with him. If I was ever sick and mentioned that I did not feel well, he would state he would feel worse. If I had a headache.. his head would hurt so much that "tears would come out of his eyes". No lie.. he really says it. He also considers himself a victim in his job. He has several jobs he has quit or taken another position due to some physical ailment. This victimology became more apparent when my toddler began complaining about his back hurting while at daycare. Recently he states that I have done wrong by leaving him and our son. I make sure he knows that it is him I left.. not our son.

When I made my intentions known to him about leaving he stated I would never be able to have our son. He would in fact take our son to the next door neighbor without my permission so we could have little talks. I had no idea what he was telling the neighbor about me but I am sure it was not good. In fact I was not really able to talk with neighbors much as I was always with him or the baby.

 This tactic could have gone under the wearing me down category but I choose to give it a section of it's own.  I had to have contact with him daily to talk to our son.  During these phone calls he would just unload on me.  I call it emotional vomit.  I am not sure was just reaction to the whole divorce process or if it was in part trying to get me to get into an argument with him.  The more i chose not to argue with him the worse it go.  here are some examples of what he said.

You are the one I've Killed myself for everyday.
I could have any woman I want
You got serious problems
This is all in your head
Your little girlfriends have you brainwashed
I have a right to know who he (our son) is with and where he is at all times.
The things you have done are unbelievable
You are not normal
There is one parent that cares about our Son and that is me
I would go out with married friends not single friends
You don't believe in God because your parents think we come from Monkeys
If God would come tomorrow i would ask him to take us all to heaven

This is a tricky one. He used to use this technique a lot. he was the one in charge. Like I said before he would ask for opinions and only argue with you if the opinion was different than my own. There were certain things I was expected to around the house like cook. If one night O wanted to get Chinese take out I would have ot make a federal case about it before I would be able to buy it. He was always aware how much I had in bank account. If I came close to having any amount of money then he would suggest things I needed to buy for the home. If the baby finally went to sleep I had to help with with whatever project he needed completed at the time. There was no rest. If I wanted to watch a TV show I could not do if he had something Hewanted to do and needed my help. During the divorce he thought he could use male privilege by having the state police come and take my son from me.  There was no just cause therefore it never happened.  When I bought my new home he came right in the door and demanded he see the home his some would be living in.  I had to call 911 because he wouldn't leave.

Abuse comes in many forms. It can be physical, mental or sexual. The power and control wheel give us a good indication if there is a good balance in our relationships. Take a look at the power and control wheel.

My hopes in writing this is to help other women who might be in the same predicament I was in. Ladies,, if your stomach is in knots and you feel depressed more times then not , then something is definitely wrong. Look at my examples to See if any of them match with what is going on with you. I cannot advise you what to do as every case is different. Some couples may be able to go to counseling. Some couples may end up in divorce court. If you feel threatened or intimidated or he is using emotional blackmail to get to you then get help. there will be links at the bottom of this hub. A safety plan is most important. If you feel there is a time when you will need to get out of a situation immediately then have safety plan wiht a friend or relative. If you have been physically assaulted by your significant other then you need to seek help as soon as you are able