If you've finally found yourself overwhelmed by the circle of lies, guilt, and anxiety, the first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. Countless people have fallen into the trap of infidelity and become bewildered by how they ended up there. It's not something you planned, and it's not a vast conspiracy--chances are, when you said "I do" or say "I love you", you find that you meant it and mean it even more, only adding to the confusion. Whatever your circumstances, there are a few crucial steps you can take--right now, right this second--to break free of the agonizing cycle and make a fresh start.

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The first and most important step is acceptance. You need to accept that if you've cheated, then you've cheated, and you can't go back in time and fix it. You might wish with all your heart to either start over or spend the rest of your life acting like it didn't happen, but deep down you know that you can never get the satisfactory relationship you want out of life carrying around the burden of your guilt. Once you've accepted that you're in an affair and are willing to admit it to yourself, you're ready to calmly look at your options.

Life isn't predictable. Sometimes the storybook love that the whole world thought was certainly yours turned out not to be your bride, but that other woman who had the qualities and character that you realize you were looking for all along. If you've fallen out of love, then it is something else you need to accept--and it is nothing to be ashamed of. You are a free person living in a free society, and while it may be confusing and heartbreaking, you are also free to to be with who you wish. You may feel that it's over, or you may feel a desperate desire to salvage things. Either way, once you've sorted your feelings, you're ready to move on to the next and hardest step--coming clean.

There's no easy way to do this. Even the great motivational speakers of the world couldn't budge you an inch for telling your spouse that you've been seeing someone else. One thing that might help is to take a few deep breaths and calmly remember the reality of the situation. You're in an unpleasant limbo. You want a fresh start with or without your spouse, but if you're in the midst of an affair you can only have the worst half of both worlds. If you're worried about how to sound, try to remain as calm as possible. That doesn't mean you should go in and coldly "lay it on the line", it just means you shouldn't sugarcoat it. Finally, remember that you have a free choice to make about your life and your relationships--the affair of your past doesn't have to dominate your future.

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