We generally don't get too involved with existing entities. Kurt and I prefer to build our epiphanies from scratch. However, on occasion we'll eyeball an area that needs a subtle tweaking, and we go for it. Today's fare includes the worlds of Big Business and Organized Crime - two of our favorites. Although these moneymaking machines are separate entities, Kurt and I don't think they're all that different. The similarities include greedy owners, unscrupulous tactics, and a casual disregard for human life. Those are the negatives, however, and we don't like to concentrate on negatives. We like to think positive. When we do, we realize that Big Business and Organized Crime would do a heckuva lot better if they were allowed to merge into one entity.

We've got multiple reasons for this. First of all, there would be a lot of good public relations for Big Business. Corporate America can't win under our current system. From the folks at Enron to Roger Smith at GM and even our man Trump in New York, the big shots in the business world have always gotten skewered. Organized Crime hasn't had that problem - in fact, America loves Organized Crime's big names. They made a movie about the Godfather, the Sopranos is a successful TV series, people loved Capone and even John Goti was a hero to most. Why? Kurt and I believe its because these guys didn't hide the fact that they were ruthless criminals. Whereas your corporate CEO is a weasely, sanctimonious jerk-off who hides behind legions of lawyers and accountants, the crime boss comes right out with his tough talk and his promise to break your frickin' neck if you don't cooperate. America loves that.

We also think Organized Crime could solve the personnel problems of American corporations in a hurry. You want to downsize? If a corporation can make a phone call to a big guy with a gun, there will be some mighty fast downsizing. How about performance problems? We don't think there will be performance problems if someone's going to get their leg broken. Entire human relations departments would be replaced by one guy who looks like Lou Cabrazzi.

Advertising could also be eliminated. Once organized crime is on the scene, they could simply post a few guys at the grocery store. "Hey lady," Kurt and I imagine a rather large man saying, as he holds out a roll of toilet paper. "You really want to buy this brand, if you know what I mean." You could scrap all that celebrity spokesperson crap and trillion dollar ad campaigns by using Organized Crime's ability to launch a "grass roots" campaign.

It's a win-win situation for Organized Crime, too. Al Capone would have avoided prison time if he had performed this merger long ago. The big problem with Organized Crime is that they refuse to give the American government a sufficient enough cut of the business. For example, if our proposed merger goes through, Organized Crime can drop the whole money laundering scheme and just employ a million tax attorneys and accountants to exploit, challenge and cheat the ridiculously complex IRS tax system. In fact, the IRS would probably love it, as this sudden influx of new business that used to be "off the books" would require an immense expansion of their department. Also, Organized Crime would be able to write off all the bullets they use to aerate a stoolie's body.

Kurt and I make a few phone calls to both the heads of America's most powerful corporations and the leaders of some of the most feared criminal organizations (Again, we got their numbers through the Department of Motor Vehicles.) We float out our latest epiphany to these various parties, and they can't help but admit they love the idea. The corporate CEO loves the fact that he won't need to pay unemployment insurance or worry about employee morale. The crime boss is ecstatic that he can finally print a business card with his name on it, and that he's now legit - or at least as legit as you're going to get.

Things really go smoothly for a while. The Federal Reserve notes that America's productivity has increased in leaps and bounds since the merger. There's also been a dramatic slashing of personnel in the Justice Department, because many of Organized Crime's tactics now become standard business practices. Unfortunately, the merger fails because, of all things, a difference in semantics.

Kurt and I are talking about the hostile takeover. It seems that the Kraft/Tortolli Family are looking to acquire Blockbuster Video/Bennata Family. The Kraft/Tortolli feels that the asking price is too high, and its accountants respond by saying, "Perhaps we need to engineer a hostile takeover." This comment is overheard by an overzealous heavy from the Tortolli family, who, with a simple nod to another heavy, approves a hit on the Blockbuster Video/Bennata Family. The hit goes down at the stockholders meeting for the Blockbuster Video/Bennata Family, and over a thousand people are gunned down while they're in the process of approving the sales of some devalued holdings. The mass slaughter is looked down upon by Wall St., who points out that Blockbuster's entire leadership team has been eliminated. Despite the drop in stock prices, this practice becomes commonplace, and soon corporate CEO's heads are exploding everywhere.

This makes for some enjoyable newscasts, and the sales of the Wall St. Journal skyrocket as fans of Jerry Springer now have something to read about. But all good things must come to an end, and the realization that blatant cold-blooded murder is a bad example for our kids proves to be the undoing of this titanic merger. Moms organize protest groups and say they won't buy products unless Organized Crime and Big Business become disentangled. In the end, it's a group of ladies who shatter the glass ceiling that supported our little merger. Like so many gunned-down wiseguys and laid-off middle managers, Kurt and I can honestly say we never saw it coming.

© 2007 Greg Mischio