Equality: I've got some habits to break
62How do I say this? ...I don't have a boyfriend. Well, I do, but I mean, I have a partner.
Don't give me that weird look. I know I said I had a boyfriend, and yeah, I'm a woman... but my partner isn't.
Okay, I know it sounds weird, but my partner is a man.
Gays aren't the only ones who have partners.
I've been working really hard to use "partner" instead of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" when referring to the love of my life. Allies are supposed to do this to keep from isolating certain groups of people and to help eliminate feeling like you have to identify your partner as a woman or a man. Why separate gays and lesbians (and others) from heterosexuals by using "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" only in referring to straight couples and "partner" in homosexual relationships? We're all equal, right?
Similarly, it's positive to use "committed relationship" or a similar term instead of "marriage," as not every couple has the privilege to marry whom they love; not everyone is yet entitled to have a "spouse," if you know what I mean. It's important to think about the words we use everyday and the meanings and implications behind them.
However, I find it's difficult to follow the tenets I just mentioned because a lot of people don't understand what I mean and why I'm using those terms. Saying that you are married and have a husband or wife is commonplace; those words have existed for centuries. We don't mean harm, but while some people can be offended, it's hard to change an entire culture of thoughts and concepts.
I was telling a story to my coworkers involving my sweetie pie, and instead of "boyfriend," I used "partner." I feel like I got a lot of weird looks that seemed to ask, "You're a lesbian?"
I am ashamed to admit that I am still a little afraid to be perceived as such, too. In referring to my man again, I said "boyfriend" instead of sticking to my principles. I really feel like no one would have understood where I was coming from otherwise, and I know it shouldn't matter, but I still feel a little pressured by society (or myself) nonetheless.
I would love to hear from others about your responses to this, or other situations where alternative terms should be used. Do you even think what I'm saying makes sense or is important?
Also feel free to read up on how to be an ally (if you don't know what an ally is, please look at the links I've provided). Thank you for reading.
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You know the term I like best of all? "Sweetheart". Isn't that a lovely phrase. And I think "lover" sounds good, although that tends to imply an illicit relationship. As for "partner" - yeuch! Make it sound like a business relationship....
It reminds me of the "Only Fools and Horses" episode where Del Boy keeps introducing his girlfriend Racquel as being, "My significant other" much to her disgust. Very funny.
The confusing thing about this use of "partner" is that some people still have business partners. If this trend continues, people aren't going to be able to say partner and mean the person who co-owns their business, without sounding as if they have a sexual relationship.
Why not just use "lover"? It's straight and to the point and gender neutral.
Oh, and another word that is hard to use now is "straight." I should have said "direct"!
Lately, it seems everyone takes words to heart, and are somehow offended, so now it seems to me, because of that, there has been some kind of movement for the country to now be politically correct in word and action. It is ridiculous! Since when is it wrong or meant as offensive to call a spade a spade?
There are a million words that have many meanings, and one should feel free to use whatever word they want to describe something. If our language should be broader in its scope, fine. What works for some doesn't necessarily work for others, but that doesn't have to mean that because someone doesn't like the description or word, that the whole population needs to adopt it.
Certainly we know, when speaking to a child, we need to speak in a way they can understand. Likewise, an adult. Misinterpretation comes in when a child doesn't fully understand the meaning of what you said, and processes it at their level of maturity. Misinterpretation by an adult, I feel, is because their perception of what you said is skewed by their own ideas or thoughts. I may say to you, oh, where did you get that dress? You could then interpret that as my having said, ughh where did you get that dress?
Our language is what it is, and my own opinion is anyone can use whatever term they like. In the matter of relationships, sometimes there has to be a clarification, such as, most commonly, boyfriend or girlfriend implies a couple romantically involved, whereas if a boy or girl is just a friend, it would then be proper to say I have a male friend, or female friend.
Is this important? If you feel it's important, then it is. It is not for someone to judge what is right or wrong for you. And I personally hate the fact that this country has become so anal and obsessed with a fear of hurting someone's feelings that free speech is becoming greatly oppressed.
A thought provoking hub, thanks :)
You don't have any habits to break. Say what you want, and watch the reaction. If you really care about the person whose confusion your words caused, then explain. Otherwise, go on.
About five years ago, I met an interesting woman at a business event. She kept talking about her partner. I thought she was talking about her business partner. After a while, she and I became friends, and I learned differently.
That confusion is going to be there until people like you bring it to the forefront by making a lot of noise about it. "Partner" belongs to both business relationships and loving relationships, and there's nothing gay about it.
Except that when you're gay, you need another way to say "the person I'm paired to in my life". I know that you know that "partner" is the way of describing that relationship when straight folks would misunderstand the terms "girlfriend", "wife", or "husband", the labels that describe the essence of a same sex relationship.
I think you opened up a can of welcome words.
Thumbs up.
Thank you all for weighing in on this issue that's been on my mind. It's true that there are words that sound a lot better than "partner," but I try to use it because that's what allies encourage me to use and what gays and lesbians say they prefer to hear. I am personally a people-pleaser, but I also don't have a problem trying to accomodate others with my speech because I am one of those people who can easily find myself offended by others' words, whether there is negative intent or not.
I think it's a good point that watching my words can depend on the situation and context. You all have great points... including the many alternatives to "partner" that we can use! :)
What’s wrong with boyfriend? He’s a boy, he’s your friend. And a gay man can refer to his boyfriend as well. After all, it’s not you who makes the wrong association, is it? It’s not you who separates gays and lesbians from heterosexuals. And if it is, all you have to do is broaden your own concept of boyfriend/girlfriend.
'My other half', 'my man','my fella', 'him indoors', 'the old man', 'his master's voice', 'the trousers', ''he who must be obeyed', all wonderful English euphimisms for 'partner' in the physical, heterosexual sense. Take your pick! The trouble is that they all have a jokey, intimate ring to them, whilst 'partner' sounds too formal. It's a bit of a dilemma, isn't it!
This discussion goes back to the idea that language influences thought, doesn't it? The idea that: if only we can change how something is termed, we can change how society perceives it. If only that's all it takes to change people's attitudes and prejudices.
That's what I wanted to express, Marlene. Thank you for putting it so well :)
And thanks to all of you for so actively commenting on this Hub. Again, more great insight... I might just have to use "the trousers" in reference to my guy :)
It is astonishing as to how much power we give our words. I think the word boyfriend is something a middle school or high school girl would use, but not a woman. I think partner should be socially acceptable, but we have gotten accustomed to partner being used for a gay companion.
I have to agree with the majority opinion here. This whole "politically correct" thing drives me batty! Homosexuals wanted to come out of the closet, be recognised as being "gay" (used to be one of those words too!), and not be discriminated against. Fine. I can understand that. Now we are supposed to change our language to suit people who don't feel comfortable using the same terms to describe their relationship? Balderdash! My wife is my wife and that's what I'll call her, just as she calls me her husband. Sometimes, I refer to her as "my better half", and quite often I just call her Laura, 'cause that's her name. And if I want to call her my "oopsie poopsie snuggle bun" then I'll call her that too (but I wouldn't, not in public anyway). Next thing you know, we'll all have to dress the same too, and then maybe all the guys will have to act more feminine and girls will have to wear baggie pants and a ball cap so nobody can tell who is what. If they care that much, then I am sorry for them, but they'll have to knock on the next door because I'm not buying any today.
Hey, I've got an idea. It is they who are making me uncomfortable. I wan't them to use the terms boyfriend and girlfriend too. The one who takes the traditionally male role calls the other his/her girlfriend and vice versa. Problem solved.
Great hub, glassvisage! Thanks for writing it. Sincerely, Your ....uh....wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea...friend.
GREAT Hub Glassvisage!!
I love that your Hub has created a really thoughful dialog among so many Hubbers!! And it seems that many of us have faced the same issues!!??
English is such a limited language!! We are a creative bunch - certainly we can come up with some positive alternatives like Amanda suggested!!
It's not just the romantic terms that are limited!! Most of my friendships defy tidy definitions as well!! I have a dear friend, old enough to be my father, a retired minister, published author and we have lots of fun together - but there is nothing sexual about our relationship!!
It is hard for people to comprehend and they are constantly asking questions trying to fit us into a box where there is none!! Let's all come up with new words!!
Yes, words have power!! That's one of the reasons we write!!
Thanks again for the GREAT Hub!! Blessings always, Earth Angel!!
You all are wonderful... you're right, Earth Angel, I love the discourse present in response to this Hub :) People are always trying to fit others in categories and other little boxes to make them easier to deal with, and yes, even friendships are victim to this! I agree, talented, that it still seems strange to me to hear an older woman refer to a boyfriend and vice versa, but whatever. And Christoph, your response is why we love you :D
Greetings again GlassVisage!!
How about if we look to other languages for more befitting terms?? I've always liked the French word: Paramour??
Certainly there must be a host of words from around the world that would feel comfortable and be appropriate!! How about it Hubbers??
Blessings always, Earth Angel!!
P.S. PARAMOUR:
c.1300, noun use of adv. phrase par amour (c.1300) "passionately, with strong love or desire," from Anglo-Fr. par amour, from acc. of amor "love." Originally a term for Christ (by women) or the Virgin Mary (by men), it came to mean "darling, sweetheart" (c.1350) and "mistress, concubine, clandestine lover" (c.1386).
I could do without the "mistress, concubine, clandestine lover" (Looks like the conotation overshadows the definition!!)
Sorry - connotation!!
Paramour... like the band! :) Good idea!
I've been with my other sex partner for 14 years. One long marriage was enough for me. I refer to him as my partner and some think that means my business partner. Sometimes I just call him my other half, or my best friend. Both true. To hell with anyone who thinks I'm gay when I mention my partner. Keep em guessing. My bet friend (same sex) happens to be gay, not something hidden or avoided, it's just rarely relevant to what we talk about....and/or you'd be amazed how many parallels there are between gay and straight relationships. It's all about heart.
earnestshub says:
14 months ago
Ok. I can see why you like writing. you are so good at it!
I am so glad to see a high hub rater talking sense about relationships.
You are right, lets all try to be a lot broader in our inclusions and do some good for the language and culture of all.